Not the Sequel we Deserve, but the one we Needed…or is it the Other Way Round?

Well it wasn’t the Second Coming of Christ, and as a result there has been a tirade of slander against the final arc in the Nolan Batverse Trilogy – nicely countering the influx of fanatics who sent death threats to less-than glowing reviewers. Personally I liked it, although I’m fully aware of its’ numerous story, pacing, characterisation and design flaws, but c’mon this is a Batman film – remember how bad they used to be? Surely a disappointing yet not unwatchable instalment is leagues more acceptable than Forever and & Robin. This review isn’t me hating on a bad film as done for the previous Batman reviews here; it’s a chance to air out the complex stupidity of the story and maybe help us to better understand why Batman has such trouble getting rid of bombs. Plus with the Nostalgia Critic covering most of my back catalogue to-do list I figured I’d best cover something made after 1997 for a change. Strap on your detective hats, because this is going to take some sussing out…

Part 1: Poverty: Batman’s Kryptonite

Bane, a mercenary vocally channelling Sean Connery with a mouth filled with cotton balls via Kenny McCormic, hijacks a CIA plane using a different plane in order to kidnap a nuclear physicist, then instigating a plane crash. To hide the physicists’ disappearance from the wreckage he transfuses his blood into one of the dead CIA agents, his life in prison having never taught him how dental records are all the rage in cadaver identification. Fuck the World’s Greatest Detective; this is so dumb the cast of CSI Miami could figure it out.

In Gotham the city’s highest of the high-brow are celebrating 8 years without crime thanks to The Dent Act; a law making the unlegal illegal, that has seen ALL criminals jailed. Sounds good in principal, however Commissioner Gordon is wracked by guilt that the law is a celebration of Harvey “Two-Face” Dent, who went crazy and tried to kill his son, only to be killed by Batman, who took the wrap for killing Dent and branded a murderer despite minutes earlier having stopped the Jokers’ genocidal rampage. It’s complicated and a little convoluted; end result is Bruce hung up the cowl the night of Dent’s murder and crime has been on the verge of extinction ever since, much to Gordon’s’ deteriorating mental state. While the Commissioner has been occupied with going Killing Joke crazy, Bruce has been growing a beard and practicing his Howard Hughes routine while sporting a crippled leg. It takes the theft of his mother’s pearl necklace by a certain cat burgling piece of fanfare to get his crime fighter juices flowing. You read right; crime on the streets is a matter for the police now, but steal from Bruce Wayne and you’re begging for a batarang in the sternum. This is possibly the most self-serving reason anyone has ever had to don armour and smack down drug dealers, but who cares if it means Batman is back \o/

Hot head cop John Blake links the body of a teen found in the sewers to his old orphanage, now on the verge of foreclosure after Wayne Corp. pulled its funding. Enraged, Blake confronts Wayne about this while revealing another truth.

Blake: I know you’re Batman.

Bruce: How did you know?! Even I wouldn’t have been able to deduce that were I not me.

Blake: Because that one time you visited the orphanage were I grew up I knew your smile was false.

Bruce: Forgive me for not finding kids without parents genuinely grin worthy.

Blake: My point is, only a man worth billions of dollars, no parents due to violent crime, and a penchant for dressing as a winged rodent of justice could smile like that.

Bruce: …Or I could have my smiling at some unfortunate kids because they had no parents.

So…yeah that’s…that’s a…really? Good thing Joker never managed to get Bats to crack a smile if this is all it takes to unravel his identity. Turns out Wayne corp. is teetering on bankruptcy and the assets are being sold or bought by some douchy share holder looking to buy out the floundering company for full monopoly over Gotham. Turns out Douche Bag is allied with Bane, using the merc to do his muscle work to undermine Wayne Corp. Confused? Why the fuck wouldn’t you be. In case you needed more story arcs, Bruce is worried his NUCLEAR REACTOR of potential sustainable energy might fall into wrong hands and be used as a weapon if the buyout goes ahead, so entrusts its safekeeping/destruction to a French woman called Tal-I mean Miranda, whom we have never met nor had reason to trust. ALSO Selina Kyle has copies of Bruce’s finger prints and is selling them to Douche Bag so he can access Wayne’s hidden accounts, so she can get some Wayne Tech that’ll let her erase her criminal record. When the deal goes south, Selina is forced to run while the police take on the criminals. Gordon follows them into the sewers only to be captured and brought before Bane in his lair of hench. He escapes with critical gunshot wound, and rushed to hospital by Blake who used his seemingly psychic powers of deduction to link Gordon’s disappearance to the site of the body he discovered by the sewer pipe earlier. This is a mere 30 minutes into the film and already I have to lie down and thumb the cliff notes. The Lord of the Rings, Matrix Trilogy and West Wing combined had fewer sub plots, and this is a franchise about a man who punches clowns and burn victims in the name of justice.

Having sexed up Miranda and pissed that Gordon, his only comrade, is on death’s door, Batman decides it’s time to kick ass. Alfred is against it and quits, rabbiting on about his hopes that Bruce will settle down with a family and leave Gotham forever just long enough to earn his $1,000,000 Michael Cane appearence fee. Luscious Fox is more than happy to place his employer back into mortal danger now that his name is on Wayne’s will & testament, and outfits him with, I swear to Jacob, a robot leg that can break concrete and a flying tank. That was the sound of the ubber-gritty realistic Nolan Batverse imploding on itself. Bane uses Bruce’s stolen prints to steal all of his money from the stock market, bankrupting Bruce entirly.

Bruce: Poverty! How did they know my only weakness?

This results in a motor bike chase and the first public debut of Batman in 8 years. Still wanted for the death of Dent and breaking the law just by existing, the police give up on the THIEVES WHO STOLE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND SHOT UP THE STOCK EXCHANGE and instead go after the guy who stopped the League of Shadows and the Joker destroying the city. THIS IS WHY THERE BATMAN HAS TO SORT OUT ALL THE CRIME SHIT! After a grandeurs public spectacle Bat escapes in his…*sigh* helicopter.

At least this was *meant* to be funny

At that moment Selina is with Douche Bag who refuses to give her the crime-erasing do-dad she agreed work for him as a professional thief for in order to acquire. She threatens him and the building becomes a shooting arena until Batman turns up and they escape just as Bane shows up. Douche Bag is livid that Bane isn’t delivering on his end, but Bane has far grander plans than helping in the buyout of Wayne Corp. (thank Christ, because if that was his sole motivation then he’d be a less interesting character than the Batman & Robin Bane). He kills Douche Bag, whose acquisition of Wayne Corp. was the reason for the temporary team-up. Ugh.I feel like I’m watching Lost out of sequence, drunk, on multiple TVs inside a tumble dryer trying to follow all these arcs, twists and turns.

Salina is preaching about the downfall of capitalist society and how her Robin Hood act of stealing from the rich (and in once case actually stealing a rich person, such is her dedication) and giving to the poor, like herself, is her bold statement of standing up for the little guy, when Bruce comes to visit her asking her to lead him — that is, Batman — to Bane; the incentive is the past erasing device (a time machine wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to imagine it being, given we already have a physics defying batcopter, a kung-fu robot leg and A NUCLEAR BOMB so far). She agrees and the pair kick ass through parades of henchmen until they reach Bane’s lair.

Selina locks Batman in for his cage match with Hench-incarnate and the punching begins. It’s no use, Bane is 100% muscle and has no obvious weak spot on his body.

The face – punch the face!

Batman turns out the lights in order to theatricality Bane into submission.

Bane: Naw, the dark. Did you think one shuch as I should be frightened darknessh, given I grew up in a dank prishon pit?

Batman: You mind not talking to me while your mouth is full? It’s common curtsey even if you do intent to beat the angst out of me with my own spinal column.

Bane:…Thish ish my voice. Granted my ridiculoushly posh accent contradictsh my back shtory of growing up in a shubterranean hole in the Middle Easht.

Batman: Well you just sound ridiculous.

Bane: Coming from the guy who shoundsh like his gargling road grit. Have at thee, shwine!

Foolishly Batman thought he could simply throw on the suit of military-grade battle armour and super-advanced weapons and it’d be enough to beat an asthmatic in a vest.

He was wrong.

Coming up: Bane declares martial law and revokes the Dent Act. Bruce learns that violence is an effective means of treating spinal disorders. Gordon and Blake; buddy cops from another precinct. Fox and Miranda and the nuclear bomb plot that’s as out of place as Batman was in the last film – seriously, anyone else start thinking they were watching a Scorsese flick until the Man in Tights showed up to offset the tone?

Part 2: Let the Gamsh Begin!

Bane and his men break into Wayne Corp. and steal everything not nailed down in the Bat-Arsenal, including the Bat Tanks… Bat Tanks, seriously? See Luscious, this is why the R&D Dep. was shut down: to save the company from your madness!

Bruce is dragged alllllll the way to The Lazarus Pit; a totes legitimate prison hole in the ground for the dumping of unwanted reprobates in the Middle East.

Broken Bruce: Why didn’t you just kill me?

Bane: You character arc must be more shevere. I’m going to finish Raz Al Ghaul’sh work and deshtroy Gotham with my League of Shadowshhhhhh.

Broken Bruce: But I fixed Gotham; solved all the problems that marked it for destruction – like 8 years ago.

Bane: Yesh, contrived ishn’t it. Now shit back and enjoy the televished deshtruction of your beloved-

Broken Bruce: The place is a shit tip.

Bane: –BELOVED city. In 5 monthsh.

Broken Bruce:…You plan to hold an ENTIRE CITY hostage for 5 months?

Bane: With a nuclear bomb, yesh.

Broken Bruce: At least Liam Neeson’s plan was subtle – this is plain stupid. I bet you I can unbreak my spine with jazzacise before your scheme succeeds.

 Game on, Bane returns to Gotham. For a man in S&M gear and a fur coat he has no problem clearing airport customs. Taking Miranda and Luscious Fox hostage, he has his kidnapped nuclear physicist reprogram the perpetual energy device Bruce stole from Spider-Man 2 and turn it into a nuclear bomb. He blows up half the city, kills Gotham’s top football team, destroys an entire stadium filled with 1000 of people, threatens the city with a nuke after destroying every bridge off the island, and then gang-land executes the only physicist capable of disarming it on live TV with demands that no one enter or leave the city unless they want Gotham to be the new Hiroshima, and yet the city is willing to accept him at his word that he is working in their best interests; 8 years with no crime has made the people of Gotham unaware of what criminal activity is, or more possibly turned them into a gaggle of fucking retards. Bruce watches this slack jawed from his prison TV until an inmate PUNCHES HIS SPINE BACK INTO FIXEDNESS. Fuck Bruce, THIS GUY should be Batman!

Bruce: Ahhh! Fuck dude, what the hell?!

Inmate: I fixed you.

Bruce: No, you punched me in the fucking spine.

Inmate: Nonsense, I fix all the problems here this way. Apart from that one haemophiliac guy – that was a mistake, granted. Now some “doctors” will say rest and relaxation is the best way to heal. I say a vigorous regime of push-ups is the best medicine.

Bruce bench presses his way to better spinal health as audiences’ world wide slam their heads against their seats until this makes sense.

Back in Gotham, Bane has maybe overestimated the thinking capabilities of the local law enforcement, who have marched en masse into the sewers to flush out the murderous messiah mercenary. I know there is zero crime here anymore, but can the city really spare its’ ENTIRE police force on one man hunt? Bane blows up all the sewer/tunnel entrances, trapping the ENTIRE police force underground (d’oh) then sends his men to kill Commish Gordon in his hospital bed. Rooky cop Blake saves Gordon from the armed ninja soldiers (Ah it’s almost like Schumacher – no, Adam West -never left) and they hunker down to watch Bane’s next televised speech from outside Gotham Penitentiary. Turns out Gordon dropped his ‘I hate Harvey Dent’ speech when Bane landed him in the hospital, and Bane calls him out on the hierocracy of the Dent Act.

Bane: Harvey Dent wash a monshter, yet thish city made him a hero.

Crowds: Boo!

Bane: On thish lie, the prishonsh are crowded with men guilty of nothing more than committing crimesh.

Crowds: [A little unsure]…Er, boo?

Bane: And sho to prove how nice I am, I’m releashing all theshe men back into shociety.

As the prison walls come down and the violent underbelly of Gotham tare down the city unopposed, the people have second thoughts that the man in a death mask with a nuclear bomb is the saviour he claimed to be when he blew up the city and murdered a guy on live TV.

Blake: Commissioner, is what he said true; was Harvey a murderer?

Gordon: Yes, and all these years Batman has shouldered the public blame for his death, even though technically – by which I mean literally – he did kill Dent. In retrospect we should have blamed it on the Joker, given he’d already killed more people than cholera, but we had like 20 seconds to hash out a plan.

Blake: But he did throw the guy off a building.

Gordon: ‘Cause he had to! Two-Face was temporarily insane over the loss of him fiancé and being scarred horribly for life. He had to die!

Levitt: Then why didn’t Batman kill Joker? He was totally insane and killed dozens, hundreds of people.

Gordon: Two-Face Killed people too.

Blake: Yeah, mob bosses and corrupt cops.

Gordon: It’s different. Harvey threatened my family. For that, he had it coming.

Oh well if it was for personal reasons then that validates it. This Nolan-vised version of Gordon is a bit of a self-righteous dick.

5 months later….

Dawww Gotham at Christmas. Could Nolan be trying to link the second coming/rebirth of Batman to the birth of Jesus as ham fistedly as his Gotham socio-economic upheaval referencing the class wars currently rife across the globe? Surely not Lord Nolan, master of subtlety. Gotham is falling apart as the under-class bring the rich to their well-polished knees, leaving the place one giant free-for-all. Strangely enough, hardened criminals do not make for effective civil servants. Even Selina is having doubts that this system is a reasonable replacement. Sure everyone rags on the top 1% owning the world and demand revolutionary action, then the moment the water stops running, the electricity goes off and an armed gang rape you in broad daylight, suddenly the old ways don’t seem so bad. We can thank Christopher Nolan and the London 2011 Riots for showing us the errors in demanding equality. The US army send in spies but all are executed and left to hang as a warning. Any further outside interference and the bomb will detonate – which it is mere days away from anyway. Erm, has this lax attitude towards terrorism been a recent development in America? Only I seem to recall the last time a major metropolitan city was threatened with extremism we ended up in a never-ending war across the Middle East, while here a mad man can install a brutal totalitarian dictatorship and be left to it for half a year.

In the pit Bruce is told by his new bestest fwend Back Smasher that inmates can leave whenever they want. After they scale the 100 ft. wall wearing nothing but a rope, make an impossible jump, scale the last dozen yards and fart a rainbow. After Bruce has tried and failed enough times does Back Smasher tell him a tale of hope: only one has ever made it: a child decades ago – a Banes’ Age as it’s known.

Bruce: You’re telling me that after all these decades only one small child has ever escaped, even though everyone else imprisoned is taller and stronger, so logically can jump greater distances?

Back Smasher: Yep, because the kid knew no fear. The trick is not to wear the safety rope, to let go of all and become fearless.

Bruce: Really, so fear adds to body mass?

Back Smasher: Nah I’m just messing with ya – the rope’s made of solid gold and weights a half a tonne.

Bruce: And you’ve never shared this highly relevant piece of escape information with anyone?

Back Smasher: And die here all alone? No thank you.

In the city Gordon, Blake, Luscious and Miranda make a stand. Rallying support and plotting to take down the truck carrying the nuke. The plan isn’t as simple as hoped however, because there are THREE DECOY TRUCKS!!!! A whole three; how ever can they hope to know which is the real deal after only having 5 months to study the situation. HINT: it’s the one going really slowly over the speed bumps!

Letting go of his fear of Bane or whatever bullshit contrivance is stopping him from booting Bane in the balls, Bruce tries the jump for the 1000th time, sans safety harness. Hurrah, Bruce makes the jump that a pre-teen managed and has earned the right to be Batman again (if this is the vetting process surely anyone could qualify for the position).

Coming up: A court of Crows. Cripple vs. Asthmatic round 2. Plot twists obvious from 2 movies ago. Cats and bats sexing it off. Batman’s’ only weakness revealed….aside from bats….and fear toxins….and knives….and breakable bones…and steep walls…why do we root for this guy?

Part 3: Some Days You Just Can’t Get Rid of a Bomb

Gordon and his do-gooding cohorts are caught and brought before the Court of Scarecrow (aka the best thing in the Nolanverse), upon his thrown of heaped pile of desks and typewriters.

Scarecrow: You have been found guilty of trying to prevent mass murder and of perpetuating the Dent Act lie that has seen hundreds of criminals arrested. How do you plead?

Gordon: I thought you were a psychiatrist. Are you legally allowed to sentence me?

Scarecrow: Y~es…well, no.

Gordon: So technically I don’t have to listen to anything you say.

Scarecrow: *sigh* Can we move past that, this thrown is very likely to collapse any moment.

Gordon: Erm…not guilty.

Scarecrow: Ha, cute. Okay so ‘guilty’ it is. Your choices are death or exile – meaning you have to walk across the frozen over Gotham river to freedom on the other side.

Gordon: That’s suicide! I choose death.

Scarecrow: You’re choosing death….over suicide? You realise it equates to the same thing. Fuck it, death by exile.

Gordon and several others are forced at gun point to walk across the frozen river that night, deciding it’s better to freeze/drown with agonising slowness than risk a quick death by gunshot from trying to overpower the guards like heroes. Seems Gordon’s lost a lot of balls since he tried crashing a truck with a primed nuclear device into a wall earlier. He finds a flare and lights it as Batman takes out the guards with his Bat-Sleep Darts.

Batman: Sup. If I’d remembered I had this earlier I could have been here months ago instead of rebuilding my body from scratch. Or just taken it when I fought Bane in the sewers and skipped the entire crippled part.

Gordon: Batman, you’re back 😀 \o/ And just in the knick of time.

Batman: Actually I got back hours ago. I needed paint my logo in gasoline to scare the piss out of Bane. Ever tried drawing a building-sized bat on a suspension bridge? Nightmare.

Gordon: Oh…I see. Well good thing you were up there or we’d surly be dead.

Batman: Ye~ah, I saw everything at your trial. When did Crane become such a tool?

Gordon: You were there and did nothing?!

Batman: No, I ran over here and laid out, like, 80 flares so it’d be all cool and dramatic when you came out here for my triumphant return.

Gordon: Up yours, one of my guys drowned out here thanks to your theatrics!

Batman continues his one man Four Horseman act and with Blake and Gordon’s help manages to free all the police from the sewers. Now they have an army. A malnourished, unarmed and smelly army, but an army none the less. The next day they march to centre square, sans Batman.

Blake: Okay men, you all know the plan: We walk very slowly towards Bane and his army of 1,000 cop loathing armed murderers. Then when they least expect it…..we run at them.

Cop: Do we get guns?

Blake: We don’t need guns when justice is our ally. Would Batman use a gun?

Cop: Batman gets to wear bullet proof armour and drive hover tanks. He doesn’t need guns.

Blake: Oh, and one more thing. I know you’ve had a rough few months down in the sewers, but please no more cannibalism or raping okay.

Outside city hall where Miranda is being held hostage (something about insurance as both a love interest and expert on nuclear fission), Bane and his throng of GUN WIELDING MANIACS and ELITE PERSONAL NINJA ASSASSINS stand and watch as the weaponless, gaunt cops shuffle towards them like extras in a George Romero movie.

 Bane: What are they doing?

Assassin: It appears they are walking towards us in single file.

Bane: Do they have gunsh – any weaponsh?

Assassin: Not that I can see.

Bane: Oh well thish ish hardly shportin, ish it? Have our men throw down their armsh and do likewish. Oh what fun we’re going to have.

Assassin: You cannot be serious.

Bane: I am a man of honour, buuuut if you want we can ushe our riflesh as clubsh. Plush we shtill have the tanksh.

Batman arrives in the Bat (nope still sounds weird) and blows up the “tanksh”. With that the cops charge. The criminals look at them, then to their guns, then to Bane solemnly shaking his head. Following the simple equation of (healthy psychopaths + unarmed underfed cops) – (guns + mad Bane) = 100% win, they enter a melee that spans the block. Batman squares up to Bane, confident that jumping a ledge earlier entitles him to certain victory against a man so weighed down with muscle mass he can’t even jump if he tried.

Batman: You can’t win Bane, I leaped a relatively large gap from a considerable height. I no longer suffer vertigo. Bat phobia’s still pretty bad thought…

Bane: Ah, sho you eshcaped. Impresshed ash I am you jumped to freedom rather than ushing the rope to climb out, you shtill cannot beat me.

Batman: Really? I know your weakness now.

Bane: Not my ballsh D:

Batman: Huh, should of thought about punching those 5 months ago. No, I’m taking about your other weakness: being punched in the face.

He punches Bane in the face, over and over.

The End

Gordon has found the truck and tries to disarm the bomb. Bane meanwhile has been bested; his breathing mask broken, leaving him weak as a 360 pound kitten.

As he demands to know where the bomb detonator is, Miranda stabs Batman, revealing her true identity as Talia Al Ghul, daughter of Raz and mother of all saw-it-coming twists (c’mon she was introduced at the last minute and is the only French woman in the trilogy; who else was she going to be). Yes, turns out she was the child who escaped the pit of her birth, helped by Bane and seeking out her father in the mountains. Holy revelations! After training as a member of the League of Shadows she had Raz rescue and train Bane, and has pretty much been plotting her revenge since Batman threw a train in her fathers face. Just like that Bane goes from heavy weight contender for best villain of 2012 with natural leadership and bad-assery coursing through his deltoids, to pussy-whipped goon for hire – the Miranda/ Talia thing was obvious, however no one saw this disappointing twist coming.

She fixes Bane’s respirator as Batman bleeds like a sissy girly-man, still weakened from his debilitating poverty.

Talia: This is for the father that abandoned me down a well for 15 years!

Batman: But…I sexed you 😦

Talia: And now you’ll die. Your only mistake was wearing your not-stab-proof suit despite being mortally weakened by poverty.

Batman: Gloat while you can – in 20 push-ups I’ll be fit enough to beat the traitorous orphan out of you.

Talia can’t chance Batman making a second miraculous recovery in the next few seconds (I think anywhere between 5 seconds and 5 months is within threshold limits by this point) and tries to trigger the detonator, but Gordon has already disarmed it from the truck. With only a few minutes left on the timer until it detonates anyway, she leaves in the truck to get it as far away from Bats as possible while he and Bane say their goodbyes.

Batman: I see…*pant* you’re doing better now…*pant* your mask is repaired despite me…*pant* making a bigger mess of your face than I did your mums asshole last night.

Bane: Shaysh the man who bench presshed hish shpine into alignment.

Batman: You know I ”bench pressed” your girlfriend too right?

Bane: That’sh it, I’m having my men dig an even deeper pit to dump you in.

Batman: Is that all you do?!

Bane:  It’sh kinda my thing. But firsht let’sh give the audience what they want and face off for one lasht fight to the dea-

Catwoman blows Bane up with a RPG, reminding us she’s in the movie whilst simultaneously undermining Bane’s impact on events by taking him out like a chump. Even if he weren’t the central antagonist/ puppet master, Bane deserves a more fitting death than this, especially after an entire film and year-long PR campaign that has been built him up into the ultimate threat to Batman!

Batman: Salina, you came back even though you were in total support for Bane’s plan earlier.

Catwoman: I had a change of heart. Who’d have thought that siding with nihilistic assassins to trigger an economic collapse could result in such chaos?

Batman: You couldn’t have learnt that before Bane broke my back?

Catwoman: Erm, so you wanna team up?

Batman: You just killed an unarmed guy while his back was turned – breaking my #1 and ONLY RULE about not killing anyone (who isn’t Harvey Dent) -, betrayed me in a way that resulted in 5 months of pain and suffering for me AND an entire city, and stole my mother’s pearls – the only thing I have left of my parents! Of course you can be my sidekick 😀

Forgetting Commissioner Gordon is in the back, Batman and Salina blast Talia’s truck with every projectile ever developed by Wayne Corp. until she drives it off the road, fatally impaling herself on the steering wheel before we even got the chance to give a shit about her character, but not detonating the VIOLENTLY UNSTABLE NUCLEAR CARGO from the violent impact. With 30 seconds until Gotham faces the wrath of Akira there’s nothing left for the dying Batman to do except fly the bomb away in a suicide mission.

Batman: I just want to take a moment to say how grand it’s been to know you all.

And with that he’s gon-

Batman: And that your tireless efforts will never be forgotten. You have, and always will be my friend.

Thus Batman can now do what must be don-

Batman: Even though Salina is fairly new to me and watched me get crippled so she could watch capitalism fall for self-serving reasons.

Jesus Christ, have you no concept of the time constraints you’re under? Wrap it up FFS!

Batman: And even though we have no chemistry or prior relationship before this scene, I will now make out with Salina.

…Fair enough, he’s only human. Tonsil tonguing over and boner pressing painfully into his armoured Bat-pants, Batman crawls into the Bat and drags the SO VOLITILE IT’S ABOUT TO MELT DOWN nuke away with the finesse of a man with terminal flatulence trying to die in a swimming pool with dignity.

Batman: By the way Gordon, I’m Bruce Waaaayyyneeeeeee…..

Gordon: Wow. That was needless.

He flies off into the sunset over the sea, trying to get it safely away from harm with time against him as the seconds tick by.

As Blake and the city watch, the nuke goes off. Batman has saved them all from a quick and painless fate. Now they must prepare for the slow and painful death of radiation poisoning \o/

He died as he lived: exploding

Gordon, Salina, Blake and Alfred attend Bruce’s modest funeral. Batman gets a creepy bronze statue in his memory – seems after all his deeds the city was too cheap to spruce for gold. Wayne Manor is turned into a Batman training camp for orphans. Blake is revealed to be named ‘Robin’ or ‘Clayface’ or something – like I have the energy to care by this point. The police return to the sewers, having grown weary of life on the surface world. Alfred steals Bruce’s inheritance and flees to Europe where Zombie Bruce and Salina are waiting for revenge. Blake discovers the Batcave and becomes Batman Mk.2/ Nightwing/ Robin/ Spoiler/ Azrael/ the lead of a doomed-to-fail DC relaunch.

The End

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