‘Battleship’, or Hasbro Presents ‘Veteran’s Day: The Movie!’

Two men in suits sit in a bath tub filled with hundred dollar bills, naked women and fried swan meat. One reaches for the cocaine bucket but finds it worryingly low. To sooth his clearing head he turns on the taps and to his horror discovers only a stream of $50 comes pouring forth. He turns to his equally worried associate.

Movie Executive 1: Time for a new film.

Movie Executive 2: How about something about offensively rich kids spending their parent’s money on lavish parties and having copious amounts of sex during a time of global recession and mass unemployment?

Movie Executive 1: Nah, Made in Chelsea and Real Mums of the OC already have the monopoly on that.

Movie Executive 2: Hold up, did you say ‘monopoly’…..?

Movie Executive 1: Ho. Lee. Shit. Are you picturing what I’m picturing?

Movie Executive 2: Board games, the last untapped frontier. We buy up a load of game product rights and make tenuously linked narratives to fit.

Movie Executive 1: I’ll phone Hasbro, they’ll do anything for money.

Movie Executive 2: We can cut further corners thusly; we have a load of CGI left over from the good edits of the Transformer films we’ll never release, the soundtrack rights to Iron Man 2 and all the ACDC anyone could ask for, and since we dropped both the movie adaptations of Cysis and Under the Dome mid-production we have all those cool mecha suits and force field effects on hand. Not only that but apparently boats are in vogue this movie season, and with Veteran’s Day coming up we can claim money off tax by using real war survivors in place of actors. Then all we do is paste it together with deleted scenes from Top Gun and Pearl Harbour and you get……wait for it…..BATTLESHIPS!

Movie Executive 1: I think you made my mind cum so hard you turned it gay! Excellent work Number 2. I’m so impressed that were this swan sandwich a woman I’d make it fuck you.

Review coming soon…….

….or not. You see, after several weeks sitting, brooding on the film, starting and stopping, I’ve come to realise that there is nothing stand-out enough about Battleship to do a piece on. It’s as bland as it is stupidly compelling, and practically all you need to know about it has been summised by the preamble. So sorry to disapoint but I have conceded defeat. Congratulations Battleship, you are so lacking in any substance that you’ve slipped the net. Now kindly fade from memory so we can continue to bask in the glory of Avengers Assemble.


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