We all came to recognise Phantom Menace for the debacle that it was 10 minutes after the lights dimmed in the cinema, the following 100 minutes going on to make Star Wars fanboys even more intolerable to the rational world as we bitched and moaned like self-righteous Holocaust survivors. However by the time Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones aired its first Fett filled trailer many were convinced that Lucas had learnt his lesson. After all, he’d been out for the writing/directing game a while since Willow, and if you examine the context of the period in which Phantom Menace is set – during the end of the longest period of galactic peace – for all we knew the child-friendly nature of the piece could have been symbolic of the innocence and tranquillity wrapped around the denizens of the fictional galaxy at the time. I’d like to say this could be the case, but as his repeat offences have shown, George Lucas knows crap all about his own characters, setting and general themes of his universe, in addition to also having no idea of pacing, directing, editing, emotion on any level of human comprehension or any of the other baser skills required to handle a film series of this magnitude [to its’ fans]. But what did we care back in the Spring of 2002; this trailer featured more Slave-I dog-fighting, space rhino bronco riding, lightsaber swashbuckling, weird alien gladiatorial battles and plot-thickening romance brewing between Anakin and Padme than we could shake a Bantha at. We were willing to move on, all it had to do was live up to our ridiculous expectations, and how hard could pleasing Star Wars fans be…..?
Part 1: Here We Go Again
“Okay, last time was a disappointment to put it mildly (a rape of childhood nostalgia to be more accurate), but I’m older, wiser and less prone to fall for advertising BS, so I’m not going to get my hopes up… Sure, the trailer was pretty cool; space battles, lightsaber duels, Bobba Fett… MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE THE GREATEST FILM EVER! Dim lights, cue Lucas Arts logo, aaaaaaaand title scroll: ‘There is unrest in the Galactic Senate’ good so far. ‘Many are leaving the senate to join the Separatists’, coolio, this is means that the rise of the Empire is here! ‘The Separatists, lead by Nute Gunray, have made it difficult for the limited number of Jedi Knights to maintain peace in the galaxy’. What!? Nute Gunray, the mook who couldn’t even handle a trade embargo on a planet of frogs and hippies is not only the elected leader of those seeking CIVIL WAR, but we’re also to believe that this moron could actually pose a threat to the Jedi? The Jedi! Did you not watch Phantom Menace George, because no sane person would trust this Neimoidian with a weekend of cat sitting let alone place him as head of strategy and warmongering against a united galactic front – protected by FUCKING JEDI no less! Oh and how wonderful that Padme is back playing a crucial role, because we were all so thrilled that she had so much screen time previously. Screw this, at least I have the Fettmeister to look forward to…”
So the now Senator Amidala is jetting into that most tedious of planets Coruscant, home of the Transformers.
She has been placed under enhanced protection due to her importance in the casting vote as to whether or not the Jedi should be backed up by the creation of a Galactic Army as all-out galactic war becomes an increasing possibility. Why is her vote so important, given that she was all but ignored when her planet was being invaded only a few years ago? More importantly though, if the Jedi are the only form of military on hand then what would the Senate have done if the Jedi had ever turned their back on the Republic prior to Order 66 (SPOILER WARNING)? Going deeper into the murky waters of the plot, we all know Senator Palpatine is manipulating EVERYTHING behind the scenes, question is: why go to the lengths that he does? He wants the Jedi eradicated right, and he needs an army to do that – well he already has one in the form of the Separatist movement and their UNLIMITED DROID ARMY; quick to manufacture, requiring no training time and none of that meddlesome free will that could cause troubles down the line. We could have skipped the whole clone army fiasco and moved on a whole film early, thus allowing audiences to delved into the characters motivations come the formation of the Empire. But no; because George once made an off-hand reference to a Clone War Anakin and Obi-Wan fought in, so naturally the continuity here is far more important than, say, the “There is another Skywalker – who?” balls up that is to follow, leading to a whole bloody mess where clones and droids have-at-it for the sake of showing off CGI technology. Ugh. Where was I…right, the vote thing. Padme arrives and her ship is destroyed by assassins who somehow knew it was her ship…
Rather than blowing it up in the vacuum of space where there can be no survivors, the assassins wanted to draw a big crowd, because assassins are nothing if not attention seekers. Fortunately the Senator was doing that body double thing (a misnomer, seeing as none of them look anything like Natalie Portman – Kiera Knightly was a double last time FFS!) so they only succeeded in killing a minion. Blazed. Padme was actually safely hidden in the violently yellow Nubian Starfighters – obviously an attacking enemy would attack the defenceless royal cruiser first before taking on the armed fighter planes that are problematic in fast escape scenarios, so this was a perfectly sensible idea. With the attempts on her life getting more and more frequent (seriously, how important is her SINGLE VOTE to the enemy?) it’s time to call in some primo body guards: the emotionally scarred Obi-Wan still reeling from the loss of his father-figure Qui-Gon, and the suave Anakin, here played by a plank of wood channelling Ben Affleck via Orlando Bloom through Haden Christensen. Despite having been forced to train Anakin for the last decade against his will, a painfully awkward scene in an elevator shows how close the two have become (not that Obi-Wan is making sexual advances on young Anakin, although that would be less awkward than the contrite forced humour).
Obi Wan: I say my Padawan learner, remember that nest of Condarks I rescued you from?
Anakin: [robotically] Yes.
Obi Wan: Ho ho ho what a ripping yarn. How close we have become, eh?
They arrive to see that things on Coruscant have gone downhill since the last time – and that was during a time of a vote of no-confidence! – for Jar Jar Binks is now a personal aide and advisor for the Padme. JAR JAR BINKS: war hero by-proxy and renowned retard is now a planetary delegate.
Padme: Ani? Is that really you? My God how you’ve grown up.
Anakin: And hard.
Anakin: I mean, and so have you – grown more beautiful that is. [You smarmy c**t! How I loathe you]
Obi-Wan: You’re going to have an entire 1/3 of the film for that, so let’s move swiftly on. Miss Senator, despite you ordering droids and Gungans to their deaths I have been sworn to protect you. So Anakin and I will be watching you sleep for the next few days.
Anakin: I get to watch her sleep? That’s so hot.
Obi-Wan: And I’ll make sure no one tries to rape you *his glance drifts and lingers on the drooling Anakin*.
Across the city Bobba Fett (for all intensive purposes) meets with Zam Wessle to assign her next task. Yes, the elite assassin for hire has hired another assassin for hire to assassinate the Senator he was hired to assassinate. Not that I expect Batman-level win from a guy who fell to his death in Return of the Jedi, but if he’s so good then why is he outsourcing? In the dead of night Zam uses a droid to place two deadly centipedes in Padme’s bed…so the assassin hired by the assassin to assassinate the woman he was hired to assassinate is now using a droid to do the job she was paid to do by the man originally paid to do it… *inhale*
WHY DIDN’T FETT JUST USE THIS DROID IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Anakin has been all but pressing his ear to the door since Padme retired for the evening and realises something is wrong when she whispers another man’s name in her sleep, and breaks in lightsaber swinging – he takes out the centipedes while Obi-Wan leaps out of the window onto the waiting droid. Waiting for what – the chance to lead the Jedi back to its master and thicken the plot?! What kind of shoddy mercenary did you outsource Bobba? Bafflingly, it’s Anakin who does the sensible thing and grabs a speeder from the hanger bay, flying to Obi-Wans’ rescue as he’s taken on a sight-seeing tour of the planet from 1000miles above sea level. Sensing it’s messed up big time (having a Jedi Knight dangling from you is a good indication) and the droid decides to man up and return to Zam Wessel for punishment, taking the Jedi right to her. With a startled cry of “Holy shit I’m out of my depth here!” Zam opens fire on the approaching droid; for all her skills missing the large bearded man swinging from the cat-sized probe, but sufficiently knocking him lose and sending him falling into the waiting seat of Anakin’s speeder. Oh yeah, I’d forgotten that Anakin being a master pilot was rammed down our throats so hard last time I was gagging for days, so guess this is leading to a high octane chase sequence of no significance to the plot aside from to market a few new toy vehicles – or am I just being sceptical?
Pod Race pt.2 later, Zam crashes and Anakin and Obi-Wan hunt her through the local red light district, dealing with drug dealers along the way (you know, because assassinations, political espionage, paedophilia and drugs are topics no kids’ film is complete without), finally tracking her down and living up to their reputation as peace keepers of the cosmos by lopping her arm off (Obi-Wan) and screaming in her face (Anakin) until she is spared a fate worse than an emo-rage fit when Fett kills her – soaring away on his jet pack of pure cool. So…Fett was watching the entire time like a Mandalorian babysitter? He just killed an armoured target with a blow dart from half a city away yet killing nightgown-clad Padme in her sleep through a window was a too big for him to handle it would seem. Let it be said that when God closes a door he drops a convenient plot device, for the killing dart is the new lead they need to find the real assassin.
Obi-Wan scans the archives at the Jedi temple however the records can’t match the dart, so off he pops to his favourite dinner to speak with the Dexter Jettster: smartest fry cook this side of the Ishi Rim.
Dexter: What you have here is a Kamino dart. See these little grooves on the side: that’s the tell.
Obi-Wan: Jeez Dex, you never fail to impress me. Not even our galaxy spanning data base could pinpoint what it was.
Dexter: Not only that, but they’re cloners too – that’s pretty much all we know about them, and this coming from the guy who’s met ‘em.
Obi-Wan: Hum, I wonder if that’ll be relevant to those Clone Wars briefly mentioned in passing 30 years ago in the future. Anyway, I’m in your debt once more Dex.
Dexter: About that; do you think now maybe you could recommend me to the Jedi – nothing fancy, just an admin job or something in the library? I gotta get out of this crappy dinner Obi; there was another stabbing and an attempted rape on me last night.
Obi-Wan: YOU’LL STAY HERE AND DWELL ON YOUR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY DEX!*
*This is just idle speculation, as there is no hint at why a man so versed in rare artefacts and the go-to guy for Obi-Wan should be stuck serving Jowa Juice in the crappiest burger joint in all of lower Coruscant unless for community service.
Starting to think he has a lead in the case Obi-Wan discovers the database has been whipped of all references to Kamino. He goes to report his findings to Yoda, disturbing him in the middle of a Youngling teaching session.
Obi-Wan: I don’t mean to scare the shit out of anyone, but someone is going to extreme lengths to keep an entire planet know only for making lethal weapons and clones a secret from us – even breaking into our records and deleting all traces of it – and it somehow ties into the repeat attempts on Senator Amidala’s life. This is huge!
Yoda: [to the Younglings] It appears Master Obi-Wan has lost a planet. How embarrassing – go ahead and mock him children *cruel child laughter breaks out*. Yes laugh, laugh at this dumb ass dip-shit! Hahahahahahah!
Obi-Wan: I DIDN’T LOSE IT – IT’S BEEN ERRASED! Are you not the least bit concerned that our Jedi temple has been compromised and our files altered. We know the Sith are back to settle the score now and have been snooping in our records, so why is this a joke to you?
Yoda: Fine, want it so bad do you? You go to Kamino and sort it out, I say.
Yes, by all means send Obi-Wan, a man with a track record of being right (“The boy is dangerous – everybody else can sense it, why can’t you?”, “His training is not ready”, “Anakin don’t put your finger in that plug socket” to name but 3 occasions) and thus a valuable asset, to a planet the other side of space where the enemy are toying with clones and poison darts, with absolutely no backup. Wise Master Yoda my ass!
With a target on her head so large that her would-be murderers are willing to overlook a hit on Jar Jar, Padme needs to go into protection. Now between a fledgling Jedi apprentice with sex on the brains and a history of emotional neglect OR a level headed Jedi Knight sworn to celibacy and a strict code of honour, which of the two would you assume is the one sent to guard Padme in her lonely mansion?
Obi-Wan: Now Anakin, you’re sure I can trust you to watch after the woman you’ve lusted after for a decade all by yourself with no adult supervision, without giving into your canal impulses?
Anakin: Of course master; so long as she doesn’t wear anything too revealing, frolic or make me dwell on my maternal abandonment issues which are sure to turn her on because all women love a broken, emotionally unstable man, then absolutely nothing can come of it. Besides, we have R2-D2 with us, and he wouldn’t want her to lose face by messing around with some kid half her age.
R2 dwells on first time he met Padme; she ordered his entire family out to repair her ship under enemy fire while she sat back and ate grapes, as he watched them all slaughtered before his optical processors. He ponders if it’s too late for him to become a general for the Separatist droid army. Obi-Wan leaves, never once does the thought cross his mind that this is THE STUPIDEST FUCKING THING HE HAS EVER DONE (aside from redubbing his Kryat Dragon call for the BluRay of A New Hope) and jets off to what could be his doom. Prepare yourselves for a genre switch so jarring it could only be topped by swapping out the ending of Baby’s Day Out with that of A Serbian Film’s, for this is now where the film branches into the noir mystery film with Obi-Wan, and the trashy romance novel worthy of Stephanie Myers with Anakin & Padme.
Part 2: The Reason there are so few ‘Noir’ and ‘Trashy Romance’ Hybrid Movies…
Obi Wan treks to the hidden zone. Considering someone went to great lengths to keep this entire operation hidden from snooping Jed – going as far as breaking into the Jedi archives and deleting an entire section of the galaxy from the records -, Obi Wan isn’t being to discreet about his space wizard credentials, choosing to ride in on a Jedi Starfighter, a cruiser so blatant to advertise its status that it has to appropriate the word’ Jedi’ into its manufacturing name. Oh Obi, you’re as subtle as Anakin’s sexual advances. Despite having nothing but the planets galactic map location Obi Wan is able to find the cloning facility instantly.
A welcoming committee is on standby in the form of giraffe-necked Grey Taun We.
Taun We: Ah, Mr Kenobi we’ve been expecting you – if fact we were beginning to think you weren’t coming.
Obi Wan: What can I say; having your planet purged from our sat-navs was correlational to my tardiness. Mamm, I’ve had an extremely long trip in the spaceship equivalent of a Mini Cooper with no radio and only an R2 unit that even the toy merchandisers considered unmarketable for company. Can I PLEASE get out the rain?!
Taun We: Of course. Please meet our Prime Minister/ Head of our prime cloning facility.
Obi Wan: You run both the planet and the largest cloning facility in the cosmos and yet you have time to sit around in an empty room?
Lama Su: Yes, I really dropped the ball, but it was either do the presidential thing and invest in a way to stop the ice caps melting and spare the people eternally destructive floods, or put on my business hat and swindle the tax money into the cloning facility for super rich clients and use the profits to buy a freeze ray to restore the planet to its former glory.
Obi Wan: But we don’t have freeze rays – or any kind of freezing technology. Even in an age of laser swords and floating cities.
Lama Su: Fine, I’ll buy Hoth and have it dumped into our endless oceans like the universes biggest ice cube. I hate to go all Watto on you, but on the matter of payment – it has been 15 years, and the future of my homeworld is depending on settling the bill for your Republican Clone Army…
Obi Wan: Are you saying a Jedi ordered the creation of this army? For what purpose, and who ordered the contract?
Lama Su: A Jedi Master Sifo Dyas.
Obi Wan: Master Sifo Dyas has been dead for almost 20 years.
Lama Su: Are you sure?
Obi Wan: Mace Windu uses his skull as a coffee mug.
Lama Su: So the guy who placed the order was a fraud…and I’ve spent the last 3 presidential terms spending money we don’t have on an army no one wants….OH FUCK!
Obi Wan: Awww c’mon, don’t cry. Erm, may I see the clones?
Lama Su: *removing the noose from his substantial neck* Really? 😀
The reality is far worse than anyone could imagine; the platoons upon platoons of clones are all modelled on Jango ‘Don’t Call Me Boba’ Fett. Happy now fanboys? You spent years banging on about Boba Fett being the coolest thing outside of a Wampas’ meat locker only for George Lucas to take it onboard and pervert him into the father of all stormtroopers in the dumbest attempt at pleasing with unnecessary fan service this side of an episode of Code Geass R2.
Obi Wan: This. Is. Abhorrent.
Lama Su: Magnificent aren’t they? We give them growth hormones to speed their development by double – some say “why not make it a third faster to save even more time and make more clones faster?” but that’d be madness. And to think they are all based on the genetic make-up of a murdering sociopath with fatherhood issues.
Obi Wan: May I meet this bounty hunter who knows my face and knows I know he tried to kill Padme, for the purpose of psyching him out and potentially risking loosing the trail of this mystery when he inevitably makes a run for it?
At what point in his life (or the scripts development – ha, like this script developed beyond the first crayon-scrawled draft) did Obi Wan become as retarded as Qui Gon – is this how he honours his mentor, by compromising his position at every opportunity?!
As Obi Wan is switching his investigator hat for one with beer holders or fake moose antlers to suit his moronic decisions, Anakin is having a wonderful time on Naboo with Padme as they frolic in fields and he throws food in her face to show off his Jedi mad skillz. Who exactly is covering for Padme, SENATOR FOR HER PLANET AND CORE MEMBER OF THE GALACTIC SENATE while she is picking daisies and rolling in the hay with a man-child torn between confused teenage lust and mother-centric night terrors, you may ask? Why, none other than Jar Jar Binks. Oh of course, this is the same writer behind the last instalment so why wouldn’t the most retarded of the back-water swamp people of Otta Gunga now be representing entire star systems? Classic example of Lucas’ knowledge of what audiences want is as concise as his understanding of the political system. Anakin’s frustrations at not being able to help his mother and the Jedi code forbidding him asking Padme to play his meat flute during his next solo performance are not being helped by Padme, whom is enjoying tormenting the boy. Wearing little more than thin leather so tight it’s squeezing her breasts into her throat, Padme tearfully informs Anakin that they cannot love each other – although cock-teasing to distraction is perfectly fine. Going by the subsequent marriage and orphaned Skywalker kids to come, I’m guessing Anakin was too busy ogling her cleavage to hear this (took me 5 watches to even realise she was speaking and I wasn’t even in the same room as her, so this is understandable).
As Anakin rage-wanks himself to sleep Obi Wan is introduced to Jango and his son, Boba; an exact genetic copy of Jango with none of the age accelerators, so less of a son per say and more an EXACT GENETIC COPY OF JANGO. Jango must be pretty big on himself to think the only offspring worthy of his love is one with no trace of variation to himself – bet he has another one created his own age just so he can fuck himself. But what is the true significance of Boba being an exact replica, and how does this effect his many fans?
The answer is simple: if Boba is an exact replica of Jango, then Jango is [theoretically] an extension of everything already cool about the Boba Fett we all adore, and more importantly a backdoor way for Lucas to half-heartedly apologise for digesting him off before he got a change to live up to his expectation by saying “see, this IS Boba, only now he has shinier armour and cool CGI – same guy, just double the merchandising potential”. Ugh, despite the deceptive appearance, Jango and clone Boba are every bit as moronic and corrupting of the original trilogy as Midichlorians.
Jango and Obi Wan play a game of call my bluff, badly – it’s like watching an unhappily married couple pretending to enjoy themselves during sex. Aware the Jedi are onto him Jango flees, although not before he shows off his entire arsenal in what is either a high-octane fight sequence or the cinematic equivalent of Jango blowing is wad early in one go. Obi tags the Slave I with a tracking device as they depart.
Unable to cope with his worsening nightmares (worse than witnessing his mother raped and tortured by sand hillbillies?!) Anakin decides it’s time to go home and investigate his visions credibility.
Padme: You can’t leave me – we’re here because there’s been a string of assassination attempts on my life!
Anakin: Oh yeah, I’d forgotten the assassination subplot. Alright then come with me to Tatooine (fans groan at the prospect).
Padme: Tatooine…for serious? Bad enough I got stranded their a decade ago, now you want me to go back and investigate a group that KIDNAPS WOMEN to sexually abuse them, bearing in mind that the place was labelled the scum pit of the Outer Rim before the sex trafficking incidents?!
Anakin: I’m not hearing a ‘no’……
Faster than you can say “Midichlorians” here we are again on Tatooine, a place made famous for Luke Skywalker back in the 1970s with no other redeeming values other than it being cheap to film in the desert. Despite his business-threatening gambling losses after the Boonta Eve Pod Race balls-up of 1999, Watto is still in the game and ready to provide offensive Jewish entertainment for all anti-Semites.
Watto: Those vacant eyes. That flat delivery style. The monotonous voice…Ani? Little Ani? My God, what brings you back, eh? Don’t tell me you wanna be my slave again.
Anakin: Where is my mother? It’s urgent.
Watto: Your tone lacks any sense of urgency – OR emotion -, but as you’re the one with the lightsaber I’ll go with you on this one. I sold her to some floating fat guy.
Padme: Baron Harkonnen of Dune?!
Watto: No, not him…he was more deformed, had a special chair thing.
Padme: Davros of the Dalek Empire?!
Watto: Hmmmm no, he was more fan service-orientated.
Anakin: Oh no, you don’t mean….please don’t be so….
Watto: Ah yes, now I remember: Lars was his name. Nice family – his son Owen’s fiancé Beru will make someone a wonderful aunt, I think eh? Heheh.
Padme: Aaaaah this is as ridiculously bad as Anakin building C3PO!
Anakin: Even I thought that was retarded, and I’m the prodigal Jedi messiah trying to sleep with a high profile senator. What was I thinking; how would a multi-lingual protocol droid butler be any use to my enslaved mother?
The happy couple and R2 follow Watto’s directions to the Lars moisture farm. Poppa Lars, a one legged fat guy wobbles out on a precariously balanced hover chair built for a man several stone and multiple chins lighter, inviting them in for dinner with his son and daughter in-law – after all, how often is it you get to dine with a hot paedophile and the future Robert Mugabe of space whose mother you’re banging?
Lars: I took one look at her burlap clothes, sandstorm worn face and sagging tits and thought to myself “Lars, there is a woman you wouldn’t mind massaging your weeping leg stump.”
Padme vomits profusely.
Anakin: [to Padme] Haha, silly humans and their emotions. So where is she now?
Lars: Shmi! SHMI!!! Walk your ass in here now woman!
Owen: Dad, the Sand People…
Lars: Stupid me – the stupid bint got herself abducted by those Tusken Raiders some weeks back.
Anakin: [still monotone] And you didn’t go after her?
Lars: Sure we did, I had a search party looking for her all afternoon, but my leg you see…
Anakin: Where is their camp?
Lars: Due west, 200 clicks. I’d draw you a map, but my leg….
Owen: You can use my Land Speeder. Dad, tell them that joke you know while I dig out the keys.
Lars: I would, but my leg….
Shmi is being held in the bridal hut of the Tusken encampment, complete with bramble shackles and easily access via the back entrance – the hut, not Shmi, although I dread to think what a week in a Tusken love shack has done to her. Anakin slips but is too late to save her; she dies in his arms whispering his name. Anakin’s face changes to one of wrath, taking on its first new expression since the film began. A display of emotion from Mannequin Skywalker is such a miracle that from across the galaxy Yoda can feel it. Even Qui Gon is aware of it – AND HE’S DEAD!
Obi Wan has followed the Slave I into an asteroid belt. It now dawns on Jango that they have been tailed for the last 5 hours and begins evasive/offensive manoeuvres by combusting large sections of space with an arsenal that’d make the Mask choke– it’s a wonder there’s room for any actual engine parts.
Borrowing a trick from the Millennium Falcon in Empire (no I don’t know how that works) allows Obi Wan to hide in the debris and follow on once the coast is clear, confident that Jango won’t be checking his rear view mirror.
Boba: Dad, you want me to remove the tracking device?
Jango: No Mini Me, for the explosion that failed to kill us surely killed the skilled pilot with Jedi reflexes.
Shame Boba didn’t make a wager on that; he could have used the winnings to buy a better jetpack later in his career. In one afternoon, Obi Wan has uncovered a hidden star system, discovered an innumerable army created for the Republic (and Palpatine never does explain to the Senate where he suddenly chanced upon this clone army at such a convenient time come the outbreak of war. if I didn’t know better I’d ponder the idea he’s involved in this…) located the senators’ assassin, and located the shady separatist’s super secret hiding spot where they openly plot galactic conquest. He spies on their board meeting of nefarious intent.
Wat Tambor: As does the Techno Union is at your disposal.
Shu Mai: As does the Banking and Commerce Guild.
The Count: De Wampire Clan vill join your army, bleh! One droid, two droid, three droid, eh eh eh!
Nute Gunray: If we have the banks and with them the entire galaxies wealth at our disposal why do we even need to go to war? I just want Amidala dead!!!!
Darth ‘Christopher Lee’ Tyranus: Our army of droids is nearly complete. Soon there will be no force out there able to match ours.
Rune Hacko: By the way Jango, how was your cloning holiday on Kamino?
Jango: Very nice thanks – there are like a billion clones now with my innate skills and Mandalorian training, fully armed with the best weapons, armour and vehicle artillery this side of Geonosis and ready to blindly defend the Republic.
Darth Tyranus: To re-iterate, I am so confident that there is no force in the universe that can match ours, I’m quite willing to let Jango provide the template for a clone army to protect the Republic from the unlikely event of war being declared on them.
Poggle the Lesser: Your army is complete nnnnnnnnnnnn-now!
Darth Tyranus: Then war is declared on the Republic!
Wat Tambor: You mean the one with the vast army of instantly replicable, loyal-till-death clone warriors?
Darth Tyranus: I….yes but….shit.
Nute Gunray: Did I mention I want Senator Amidala dead yet? Man I want that bitch dead.
Obi Wan returns to his super secret parking spot; the one out in the open right next to the entrance to the main factory in the space marked ‘Reserved for Nute Gunray’.
Unable to transmit his warnings of the Separatist droid army as far as Coruscant he bounces a signal off the nearest Jedi-equipped ship, and guess whom that belongs to. Fresh from the slaughter of an entire tribe, Jedi pacifist Anakin is hanging in the Lars workshop tinkering with broken machines – a poorly contrived analogy for his ability to mend robots but not his mother. I’d sooner trust the resurrection of a loved one to Professor Frank N’ Furter than Anakin.
Padme: Anakin what’s wrong?
Anakin: My mother’s been raped to death, I can’t fix this fucking blender, and my being in love with you is pitting me against the Jedi Code. Oh, and I just got back from slaughtering every man, woman, child and dog in the Tusken village. I HATE THEM!
Padme: Daawww, you love me :D!!! Wait, go back to that part about killing kids :s
Anakin: Oh yeah, Youngling blood everywhere. Pretty badass of me.
Padme: As a well educated politician I know I should be concerned about being in the company of a teenager with no emotional control and a history of genocide. But as a woman I love the danger his irrational mood swings provide and the idea of changing him.
C3PO: Sorry to interrupt this delightful conversation about Miss Padme creaming over Master Anakin’s cold blooded child massacre, but you have an incoming transmission.
Obi Wan Recording: I have tracked a bounty hunter called Jango Fett to a cloning Facility, then to Geonosis where the Trade Federation and Separatists have created a grand droid army. It’s all unnecessarily complicated and a little crazy. Send back up immediately, and should I die and you clear out my hard drive, those Twi’lek girls were legal and consenting. Oh no, droids! *Transmission cut off*
Padme: We have to help him.
Anakin: I dunno – what was that he said about the Twi’leks?
Padme: Well I’m going and as my body guard you have to come with me.
Anakin: My robotic personality cannot argue with that logic.
He calls out the window to Owen and Beru.
Anakin: Thank you for all your hospitality. I’ll be sure to repay the favour one day.
On Coruscant over at the Senate things are falling apart without Padme. As there is no way to unite the Senates’ squabbling members in the beneficial desire for a Republic clone army to defend against the Separatists with rational thinking (“We need an army to defend ourselves. All in favour?”), the only 100% sane thing to do is appoint executive powers and martial law enforcement upon the selfless Palpatine, and let’s be clear that this man went from Naboo representative to Chancellor of the United Galactic Senate within the space of half an hour in Phantom Menace with no coyness about his insane megalomania, so his intentions aren’t too hard to spot unless you are retarded. And what better way to get retards to go along with a retarded motion than to have a retard suggest it: enter Jar Jar Binks. Mace Windu watches in slack-jawed horror as Mr Binks appoints Palpatine infinite supremacy to wage war with no repercussions or power abuse control measures. In disgust Yoda murmurs something about going for a long walk into that lost space Obi Wan was talking about.
Part 3: Begun, the Clone Defensive Retaliatory Strike Operation Against the Separatist Offensive Has
Darth Tyranus calls in on the captive Obi Wan, stating his sorrow for the loss of fellow friend Qui Gon and stating even he is in over his head as a Sith Lord – despite his wanting to be good once more he doesn’t quite go as far as most Bond villains and outline the devious plot to conquer the galaxy, as one would expect from Francisco Scaramanga. He offers Obi the chance to join him as his apprentice and killing the Dark Lord, ending the Sith forever. Pretty sweet deal; no more Sith, galactic peace, no death by execution. Instead Obi Wan spits on his deal.
Obi Wan: Maybe I’m happy with the idea of the struggle between the forces of good against one greedy Sith Lord’s insane quest for power that’ll engulf the entire galaxy in civil war, resulting in a tyrannical dictatorship that will remain iron clad for decades. Ever stop to consider that, Lord Summerisle?
Darth Tyranus: You fool, because of you I have to make good on my British sensibilities never to welsh on a deal. I hope you enjoy your executions public!
The love birds and the two droids park up in one of the main Geonosian factory steam vents for cover. Obi Wan’s JEDI STARFIGHTER entering the core manufacturing site of the Separatists unnoticed is one thing, but Padme is piloting a Nubian Starship made from pure silver held together by melted mirrors flying low on a baron brown planet with multiple suns, so unless there is a worldwide willing suspension of disbelief blanketing Geonosis I find their stealth methods redundant. Emerging into the steam without breaking a sweat or having exposed flesh burnt away they make their way into the main manufacturing plant, whereupon they are separated, attacked, and captured. There’s some ‘zany’ comedy with C3POs’ head being swapped with a battle droids, and R2 using leg-mounted jet packs but both make me vomit black bile to go into details.
Obi, Anakin and Padme are reunited in the gladiatorial games arena. Padme tearfully admits her love for Anakin despite the Tusken blood still clotted beneath his nails. While the three fight against rhino-lizards, cat-upines and mantis-odiles, Mace Windu storms the Royal Box where the Separatists are enjoying the show and holds Darth Christopher Lee at lightsaber-point.
Mace Jackson: Your insurrection is at an end motha’ fucker. JEDI, STRIKE A POSE!
Out of the massed gathering of onlookers the hidden Jedi reveal themselves.
Darth Tyranus: You seem to be forgetting this entire planet is my own personal battle droid factory.
Super battle droids (‘super’ because their torsos are now heavily armoured, even though they now have zero neck turning ability and the legs are still themed on prepubescent anorexic Russian gymnasts) flank Windu as squadrons of droids take position down in the arena.
Mace Jackson: Damn, forgot about the droids….later!
He jumps into the arena (where there are more droids than the two he could have more easily overcome) and a massive melee erupts as lasers fly, lightsabers whoosh colourfully and C3PO makes puns and dreadful one-liners. Jango chases after Mace Windu and before you can say “don’t do a Boba” he is trampled by a rhinoceros and decapitated. Like father like son.
Slowly the Jedi are surrounded pushed together into a death circle.
Darth Tyranus: Master Windu I ask you one last time: join us in our poorly justified cause or die.
Mace Windu: We’d all rather die – right gang?
Assembled Jedi & Padme: *Murmur murmur* not really/ no/ where can I sign up for my Separatist ID badge? *murmur murmur*
Mace Windu: Damn straight! I ain’t tasking orders from a crusty old white guy. Black Power!
Darth Tyranus: Then maybe we can reach an agreement; I’m very open to a peaceful settlement and selling out the identity of Darth Si-
Nute Gunray: Kill them! KILL THEM ALL! Especially Senator Amidala – make that bitch dead!
The droids prepare to open fire, though not one Jedi thinks they could easily escape by volleying the shots back like they’ve always done.
Boom, Yoda shows up with a bombad army of clone troopers and badass leg-tanks & gunships to rescue his idiotic brethren from their own suicidal tendencies. Turns out the real fight has been going on outside the arena as the clones advance on the Separatist control ships against the droid tank waves. Speaking of which these Republic ATTE walkers are pure awesome as well as perfectly fitted to function, so why in their future incarnation ATAT walkers so impractical?
Galactic scholars discovered a memo to the R&D department some years after the fall of the Galactic Empire:
Wow, Gerry I am LOVING these ATTEs. Really I am. One small thing though; you think we could lose the rotating multi-directional ion cannon? Oh and the rear-mounted turrets. Maybe that third set of legs for more stable turning and balance could go too. Plus I want them BIG – like, ridiculously tall, so much so it’s a wonder they can move at all without falling over. In fact, everything that makes them practical: scrap it.
Could you send the redesigns via Moff Tarkin by Wednesday? Thanks Gerr.
Poggle the Lesser hands over blue prints for an ultimate weapon code named: Sphere O’Fear to Darth Tyranus.
Poggle: If they knew we were planning on building a giant orbital planet destroyed we’d be in real trouble.
Darth Tyranus: Not a hint of irony that the galaxy has just launched itself into civil war that’s going to last 3 years and cause far reaching damage for decades to come, with us as public enemy #1? I doubt them finding out we are building a Doom Ball will make matters worse.
Nevertheless he takes the plans and flees the hangar bay FILLED WITH SHIPS, ACROSS A WAR ZONE TO GET TO ANOTHER SHIP THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET, ON AN ARMOURLESS/WEAPONLESS SPEEDER BIKE, PROTECTED BY ONLY 2 GUARDS, DESPITE CARRYING HIGHLY IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS ABOUT THEIR ENDGAME PLANS. Fuck Jar Jar, Darth Tyranus is the biggest retard in the franchise. Obi Wan spots the fleeing Sith and redirects their ship after him, despite Anakin’s desire to go back for Padme who may or may not have just died falling out the open door (how does having no seats and no walls help this craft in battle?). They corner the Sith in a hanger bay.
Obi Wan: We go in together, flank him and then go for pizza.
Anakin: I think I gained enough exp. Points killing defenceless women earlier to take on Saraman here.
Darth Tyranus: Dracula Lightning!
Anakin: Electrocution, my only weakness!
Obi Wan: *Sigh*
Darth Tyranus: Vampire Throw!
Obi Wan: Being thrown around and crushed beneath masonry, my only weakness!
Anakin: I’m over the searing painful, and now the embarrassment of having voided myself has passed I challenge you once more.
Obi Wan: Take my lightsaber. It won’t help your skills, but we backed ourselves into a corner with Darth Maul’s duel-blade and this is the only way we can one-up the excitement.
After a brief skirmish Darth Tyranus cuts off Anakin’s hand. There are few funnier vices in life than Haden Christensen in pain, aside from him trying and woefully failing at acting being in pain.
Anakin: Dismemberment; my other only weakness!
He passes out. Obi Wan face-palms. Tyranus makes to leave. Yoda enters.
Darth Tyranus: Master Yoda.
Yoda: Count Dooku.
Anakin: *coming to* Your name’s ‘Dooku’? Dude, that is so lame!
Darth Tyranus’ second rock to the head renders Anakin unconscious once more. He throws every Sith trick in his repertoire at Yoda, who rebounds them all.
Darth Tyranus: It appears our fight cannot be won with our knowledge of the force, but with a lightsaber…
Yoda: Duel me with lightsaber without using the force, you say?
Darth Tyranus: No, we’ll still use the force – otherwise it’ll be two old men hitting each other with glow sticks very slowly.
Yoda: So we are using the force…? Say what you mean next time you must. Confused otherwise, I get.
Hopping round with Speedy Gonzalez on coke swiftness, Yoda battles Darth Tyranus whom is having difficulty mastering the choreography. If only Darth Sidious had taken Darth Christopher Walken as his apprentice this could have been less one-sided. Sore loser Dooku makes to crush Obi Wan and Anakin with a rock – a fucking rock – forcing Yoda to drop the ass beating and save the incompetent Jedi as Dooku escapes with plans to build a laser that’ll cost the lives of billions. Hear that Anakin, you not only cost the galaxy a billion souls by ignoring your superior, but you even order the button be pushed in 25 years you dick!
Darth Tyranus hands the Terror Orb plans to Darth Sidious while the Republic gears up to send trillions of clones to what is now officially called ‘The Clone War’.
Even more gut wrenching, Padme, one of the most beautiful, level-headed, intelligent women in the universe is at that moment marrying Anakin, the emotionally retarded sociopath with loyalty and obedience issues. Is a more suited couple conceivable? – With her overacting and his ability to be out-staged by a junior school Christmas play, no wonder their kid’s acting careers never took off in mainstream cinema. All in all a pretty shit day. Don’t worry though, it gets worse next film.