Survival Horror of the Fittest, pt.1

Marvel vs DC; Xbox vs Play Station (fuck off Nintendo Wii); Family Guy vs South Park; Coke vs Pepsi, no matter what it is people like to insist upon brand/franchise loyalty, forgetting or overlooking that it’s actually halving their enjoyment factor by denying them certain pleasures they’re getting from the medium. I mean, does it matter if a life-long Marvel fanboy picks up a copy of Suicide Squad in the greater scheme of things? Of course not, but we do it anyway because as a species we are fundamentally retarded like that. Thus to kick start 2012, I figured I’d do the first in a possibly recurring line of joint-part postings with one of the most hotly defended console gamer rivalries from the first decade of the millennium: Resident Evil vs Silent Hill. For the record, both franchises only have onE stand out/good game between them (4 and 2 respectively of the series), yet there was a time when this fractious rivalry rocked the gaming community who clearly had nothing better to do between gaming sessions while waiting for broadband porn to be invented.

Then in 2002 the me-against-them ball really got rolling when Sony released the first of its Resident Evil films, which have proliferated like zombies and have proved to be every bit as unlikable, unkillable and annoying as a plague of shambling corpses – and when fans of Umbrella Chronicles and Resident Evil 0 think the films suck you know they must suck more than your sister at the docks come shore-leave. Not that Silent Hill the movie fared any better (if Resident Evil blows like the pro that is your sister, Silent Hill is as unstimulating as a hand job from your arthritic grandmother), but at least to date we’ve only had two of them – Res now has film 5 on the production slate 😦

So whether you be a fan of the gun-toting adrenaline fuelled shoot-em horrors, or someone who favours that warm trickle of fear (at least I think it’s fear) that comes from the paranoia-oriented slow-burner titles, join me to see which film comes out…well not #1 – that implies there are true winners here -, but not as unwelcome on our screens as a turd in the bathtub. Come one, come all to the Ticket Stub Refund Horror Smack-Down 2012!!!

Part 1: I Can’t Remember Why I Have Amnesia

In this dystopian fiction there exists one all-mighty titan of industry: the Umbrella Corporation. For the uninformed, Umbrella is the stereotypical pencil moustache twiddling villain of the 21st century; the type of bastard that does unspeakable evil for no clearly defined point, no matter how illogical or harming its actions could be –even against the company itself. Despite having all this power and monopoly over, from what is evident here, EVERYTHING, I’m not entirely sure what it is Umbrella does; are they in pharmaceuticals, weapon development, genetic engineering…? Hence I deduce they have no true modus operands; the Umbrella exists only to cause as much cartoon villainy as possible, going to the extent of creating a SUBTERRANEAN LAB COMPLEX that doubles as what can only be described as a Doom Fortress, the HIVE, where their employees toil away in false daylight like they’re the freaking Morlocks, testing their products on animals D: That’s right, Umbrella is so evil it still uses animal testing rather than human (those scum!):

Look all you animal welfare groups, we all agree that testing on unwilling animals is slightly unethical, but you’re protests are keeping me from my tiger bunny!

Yet despite all their unorthodox methods and no clear agenda outside of showing Satan how the game is really played, no one of any weight opposes their insanity, so we have no one to blame but ourselves for the coming events. Down in one of the most secure labs today’s hot topic is the T-virus (reassuring), a product that’ll make aging obsolete (in a fashion)…so I guess they’re a pharmaceutical developer J Hold the phone, why are the lab rats working behind double layers of bomb-proof glass in full radiation gear and handling the stuff only with industrial robot claws? I’m beginning to have my suspicions that this product is all it’s cracked up to be if even a small application requires extensive chemotherapy. One of the scientists takes one of the viles of formula 409 and leaves the lab unseen. So much for super security. Back in the lab…

Scientist McCormick: Hey Joe, y’know those viles of *SPOLIER ALERT* super secret zombie formula we’ve been working on?

Scientist Joe: Yeah, and why are we developing that again?

Scientist McCormick: No idea, but there’s some missing – all the anti-virus too. Should I call it in?

Scientist Joe: Nah man, then we’d miss out on those bunny test trials, and you know how awesome that was last time.

The thief drops the vile amidst the throngs crowding the hallway as he exits the building. Within seconds, SECONDS the freed T-virus vaporises and enters the air filtration system. Who the flying fuck thought of storing a solvent bio-weapon with this level of instantaneous lethalness in something with the robust industrial strength of fine china!? Shit goes to town on a banana boat as the building enters lock-down mode, and by lock-down I obviously mean the governing artificial intelligence goes HAL and begins the systematic culling of every breathing sole in the compound. Like all true sociopaths, the mainframes methods of dispatch aren’t even quick and clean as she plays with her prey before decapitating or otherwise horribly carving up her precious wards. Like I said, Umbrella are twats who’d program a computer with bloodlust because that’s what Red Skull would do.

In a mansion on the outskirts of Racoon City, twined with Possumville and Bandicoot North Dakota, Milla “LOOK HOW HOT MY WIFE IS” Jovovich, aka Alice awakes alone in the stately home filled with high-tech weapons caches, with no memory of who or where she is – a plot device that eludes to recurring expositionary flashbacks with all the subtly of a ‘Stewie’s gay’ joke in Family Guy. Watched by the all seeing eyes of the HIVE AI, Alice puts on a revealing red dress as instructed by a friendly note written [presumably by Paul Anderson] in seal pup blood and restores power to the house. She is grabbed by a cop, Mat, as an armed band of Umbrella troops all the colours of the rainbow and each with the most befittingly stereotypical personality to match them (sassy but hot tempered Latino chick Rain, level-headed black commando, kiss-me I’m already dead tech guy et al.) bust in her door and demand that she take them down into the HIVE, cuffing Mat in the process.

Alice: Erm, hi. Who are you and why am I not shocked by a platoon of gun-toting soldier stereotypes storming the house I obviously took roofies in?

One, aka the Commander: Don’t be alarmed; the AI in the underground lab you’re housed above has gone rogue, and now we need you to take us in there.

Alice: Yeeeeah, see that does nothing to explain who I am or what I’m doing here. I HAVE AMNESIA!

One: There’s no time to explain, you’ll remember relevant details as the plot requires. For now though, you are part of the two man security team guarding the only entrance into the HIVE and we need you to guide us into the mainframe to deactivate the AWOL computer mainframe: Red Queen.

Rain: And prove yourself a true leader in the face of adversity.

Medic: And come to terms with the man you think you love’s inevitable betrayal.

Mat: And solve the mystery of my sister’s disappearance.

One: Then save the world from a zombie invasion. We armed gunmen don’t ask much from amnesiacs.

Wait, what? So Alice and one other person are the only on-site security for the entire HIVE -did Umbrella Corp. overlook that if anyone wanted to get in or out of this place that badly then they’d come in force and with a knowledge of the security access points, making just 2 guards an underwhelming resistance? Regardless of this massive plot hole, Alice and Mat are dragged over to a hidden doorway leading to a monorail.

They begin the descent into the HIVE, noticing but paying little attention to the chewed up under-carriage that’d imply a rather nasty beasty is running loose. Onboard the squadron discover another stowaway with yet another case of soap opera level amnesia – at the 15 min mark, this film has more amnesia than an episode of All My Circuits.

 Alice remembers this guy as Spence, her false husband set up to help her oversee the entrance (dawwww I love Disney-esque tales of romance). Conveniently Spence can’t say why he was on the other side of the blast doors and welded inside a train luggage rack when the system went into lock-down, but if no one can guess by this point why A MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH AMNESIA WAS INSIDE THE COMPLEX BEFORE IT WENT NUCLEAR then please go back to the 1920s when such plot reveals would still be new enough to be shocking revelations.

They descend the rabbit hole to HIVE level 1: housing and lethal electronics department. Hummmm, Alice; Red Queen; white test rabbits; descending rabbit holes; ticking clock; shit film – it’s almost like Paul Anderson wanted to be making a different movie.

The team take the time to fill in Alice and Spence on the unclassified details of Umbrella. Hey what a good idea; stand around and discuss exposition inside the BUILDING THAT JUST KILLED AN ENTIRE WORKFORCE instead of the safe train outside the Red Queens’s reach.

One: The HIVE is a massive research complex buried beneath Bandicoot North Dakota Racoon City that houses its 10,000 strong work force of technicians, scientists and animal handlers.

Alice: How does someone build something of this size beneath a city without anyone noticing?

One: That’s not important.

Alice: Fine, then Why can’t me and Spence remember anything?

One: The security system is self-sufficient. Sensing danger the Red Queen AI released nerve gas into the mansion. The memory loss could range from hours to weeks, maybe forever – we’ve only ever tested on dementia patients so frankly the data is useless as closet in the house of an outted homosexual.  

Alice: What possible reason could she have for chloroforming me when I was a mile away from the contagion in the shower!?

One: The answer is as simple as it is brilliant. You see-

Rain: We’ve breached the HIVE outer perimeter sir.

One: Autobots roll out!

Alice: Raaaaaaaaggghhhhhh!!!!!

The elevator is as fucked as the lone girl at a frat party, so they have to descend via the stairs to show off all the fabulous set pieces including a room filled with enormous leaking vats of urine. The entire population of the HIVE is nowhere to be seen, and given that there are enough employees to fill a large town this makes Spence a tad nervous so One explains the situation.

One: The facility’s AI decided to kill everybody then went dark. We’re here to find out why and shut her down.

Hum let’s see, why might a bio-weapon facility with a PURPOSE BUILT [literal] kill-switch suddenly use this extreme safety measure – an April Fools prank gone awry; to maintain a security/contagion breach; a surprise birthday party? Guess only the way to be certain is the hands-on approach.

Mat: And you figured 5 armed men, two people with amnesia and a cuffed hostage would be firepower enough to take on a machine that whipped out an entire underground city in seconds?

Alice: Be that as it may, I trust you know why she went all Lizzy Borden before you came barging in.

One: Nope, that ain’t our style. Hey Rain, you ever felt like we needed a plan in this kinda situation?

Rain: Huh, wazat Commander? I was busy smashing up stuff.

Alice: Win L.

Part 2: Alice’s Adventures in Zombieland

They proceed further into the maze of Daedalus along oddly bloodless corridors. Given the bloodbath that erupted at the beginning of the film as Red Queen dispatched her wards with the finesse of a Spanish fisherman gutting the days’ catch, followed by the subsequent march of zombies and mutated lab animals, the lack of even the smallest splatter indicates Red Queen has SERIOUS issues when it comes to cleaning OCD. The doors are all securely locked, requiring the tech guy with a life expectancy of 5minutes-ago hacks them. So…does this mean that the memory deprived duo and suspicious cop are now free to leave? Considering that their only clearance was to the monorail, they’re pretty much done as far as usefulness is concerned on the best of days, let alone on occasions of extreme amnesia in CODE RED security procedures – they aren’t even armed or dressed for the occasion.

Spot the one guy dressed for dealing with zombies, monsters and rogue security robots

Nein, zey are to go with zee soldiers deeper into zee rabbit-hole under penalty of death. Now all that stands between them and the answers is one big-ass vault door. The designated hacker makes a quip about not being able to crack the code: “That bitch is being difficult”. With that the door abruptly opens (oh irony you are a cruel mistress) and One leads all of his best troops – the ones with no lines and most proficiency with weaponry, naturally -, through into a corridor of mirrors. Shhhhhhh, listen closely and you can almost hear Admiral Akbar in a galaxy far, far way announce the trap they have sprung, but all too late. The door closes and the security laser grid activates, dicing up the sure-shots moments before Hacker can reopen the door. Nothing like a woman scorned, this just goes to show how you say it matters just as much as what you say to a snooty super computer.

Hacker: Whoops, my bad – forgot to disable the laser grid of certain death.

Oh Hacker, will you ever learn 😛 The team proceed through the newly carpeted [in entrails] hall of mirrors pretty confidently considering their one chance against a mathletic level AI supercomputer is the real life counterpart of Zaph Brannigan. The AI allows them through unimpeded, one suspects because this is too pitiful an escapade for even her unique brand of malicious rule to justify cold blooded murder; “Dawww bless, they keep trying even though the laser corridor looks like the cabin come the end of Evil Dead. D’alright, you can come in”.

Alice and Hacker enter the central mainframe while the other take up guard duty, A holographic interface displays a blood drenched little girl – the Red Queen interface, a good shout from a film making perspective as little girl psychopaths are creepy, but why would Umbrella install something this sinister? Plus a child in charge of anything doesn’t inspire much confidence, and that’s not ever in employment sectors not concerned with bio-weapon engineering, so the staff here must have felt pretty uncomfortable by this aesthetic choice. You really loose the intended ‘how adorable :D’ factor once you realise she’s capable of genocide without hesitation.


Remember the intro scene to Battle Royal? She isn’t cute, she’s creepy as a box of spiders, all of whom are whispering your name

The Hacker fobs off Red Queens remarkably British pleas of mercy not to disable her; pulling out the AI’s hard drive before she can even say “Byeni~!” and plunging the HIVE into darkness until the back-up systems engage. Time to get the fuck outta Dodge, an idea as catchy as the zombie virus; the hoards of shuffling former workforce and monstrous rabbits escape their confines. Nice going assholes, did you think it not prudent to ask why she acted out her security protocols considering this place is A BIO-WEAPON AND GENETIC FUCK-UP MANUFACTURING FACILITY with an inbuilt genocide safety programme BUILT IN TO PREVENT SOMETHING OBVIOUSLY FUCKING HORRIBLE GOING OUT OF CONTROL? No, because you wanted results, not answers, as much as Umbrella wanted to add a few more corpses to the roster when they sent you in – because they are dicks.

Outside the control room Rain discovers a survivor (lol) only to be bitten by the rabid ingrate (roflmao).

Two weeks ago…

Training Instructor: Hey Rain, you coming along to the presentation today on how to identify and handle rabid hostiles? I’ll be screening clips from Cujo for added poignancy.

Rain: Bite me, cum-stain.


With a cry of “Quick, shoot her in the leg!” Rain opens suppressive fire on the cannibal. She shoots one knee out. Nothing happens. She shoots her other knee – second time luck perhaps. Nothing happens. The now freaked-out party all but ram a full ammo clip down the lumbering womans’ throat. Nothing happens BECAUSE SHE IS A ZOMBIE (zomg!) – nothing short of the Lance of Longinus will stop her.

As per requirement the team all reunite as the deadites swarm them en masse. Sneaky bastard he is, Mat swipes the keys to his cuffs as soldiers are distracted with the flanking hoard. Outnumbered and (you’d think it impossible) outwitted by the shambling flesh wave, the soldiers declare a retreat. An explosion triggers a memory relapse in Alice of her divulging security codes to a hidden figure – if near death experiences cause her life to flash before her eyes then I’m looking forward in earnest to the scene of her and Spence engaged in memory stimulating auto-erotic asphyxiation 😀 Their temporary escape coincides with that of another HIVE inmate and fanboy favourite: The licker.

“Why?! Why does God hate me?!”

The soldiers, now separated from Alice and Mat, are shaken by this unexpected turn of events. Rain refuses to believe that those are the former employees out there: the employees are dead. Well then you’ll have to accept one of two options you stubborn mule:

a)      That is the former staff, and they are quite, quite dead as you’ve just pumped enough lead into them to be recategorised as the pipes I install in children’s’ hospital wards.

b)      Using the ONE locked entrance, a fleet of crazed cosplayers have infiltrated the compound and taken the time to hide all the bodies to add to the effect of this most impressive of zombie-walks.

Hacker: Why didn’t we see them before?

Rain: Because when you deactivated the power you unlocked the doors – you let them out.

Hacker: Oh I’m sorry. Forgive me for doing my job. I didn’t criticise you when you walked right up to them and stuck your hand in its mouth.

Alone and thankfully excused from this domestic, Alice is wandering blindly. She comes to a room filled with cages…big cages…dog sized cages that have been chewed through – rancid flesh still clinging to the warped and frayed metal. So as one would expect of a Loony Toon forcibly discharged from an asylum during the Mayor Giovanni era she continues to snoop around. Drawn by the smell of retardation filling the lab, a zomdog gives chase. Alice seals herself in a room and upon realising she’s sharing it with a zombie calls upon hither-to unknown martial arts skills, deploying a swift kick that ends her foe in a way that multiple bullets to the knee, organs and head could only dream of. She steals his gun as the zomdog jumps through the window, only to be shut out again as she crosses back into the main lab (hey zomdog, just jump through the hole you just made dipshit!). She kills the other awaiting canines with speed that’d rival Superman’s, then uses the good old round-house kick to off her most persistent pursuer. Hardcore, if a tad ridiculous.

Mat is snooping around the office space. Discovering an ID badge of a woman he knows, however given that he has had bupkus time to be characterised at the 50 min mark, he could his own grandfather here to bone his mother from the past to save himself in the future and I still wouldn’t care…still, fingers crossed though. Ah cursed disappointment aplenty, the sought after woman turns up undead, tries to kill Mat, and is bludgeoned to re-death by Alice wielding a Lifetime Humanitarian Aid trophy. Now that the back of the attacking woman’s head has been caved into an attractive mound of broken bone and mangled flesh chunks does Alice recognise her as the person she was making a deal with earlier; one to trade security codes for her freedom from the Mansion and Umbrella. I’m guessing that with the base awash with the living dead and your contact dead due to unknown circumstances *ahem*, the deal is off. Oh and apparently she was Mat’s sister.

Mat: Me and my former sibling were working with splinter groups all over the world attempting to bring down Umbrella.

Alice: So you knew what Umbrella was doing and instead of making it a scandalising news story and political hot topic, you both decided to go in unarmed and do it yourself :s ?

Umbrella: Yes damn it! Umbrella thinks it’s above the law. We’re going to prove it isn’t

Alice: Erm, yeah they’re totally above the law – God’s law. You remember all the zombies; they pretty much prove that Umbrella answer to no higher power. Just sayin’.

Mat: Having just smashed-in my sisters’ head, would it kill you to be less of a bitch to me for 5 minutes? Anyway, she had a contact on the outside – I think the contact betrayed her.

Alice: *gulp* Why would they do that?

Mat: Have you any idea how much a virus that turns people into zombies and behemoth monstrosities would be worth on the e-bay? Hell, otakus’ worldwide would pay anything to have a genuine piece of Resident Evil memorabilia that cool.

I think the DVD (yes DVD, I’m not forking out for this on BluRay) gives up at this point and skips ahead as abruptly Alice and Mat are back with Rain, Spence and Hacker fighting for their lives to barricade themselves back in the Red Queens’ mainframe room, away from the advancing shufflers. You know what these guys are missing in their lives right now: more bad news. Rain decides now’s the perfect opportunity to inform them that if they don’t get back to the Mansion in one hour then the bulk head will close down permanently. Oh joy, as if the day could not get any worse they now have to do a time trial level – and who the fuck enjoys those?!  Suddenly Rain begins divulging information about the final solution security measures in place, going into very specific details about containment , meaning she knew all along that there were zombies and abominations aplenty but decided to keep it to herself until now – even going as far as to get bitten to maintain the facade. Well up-yours Rain, I hope you rot…which I suppose you will once you become a zombie. Karma :D. In no mood for this shit, Alice re-boots the AI for a way out of the facility – something Rain has an issue with because half her squad was recently liquidised by her.

Spencer: Fine, let’s all stay in here and wait to die because you have principals.

Red Queen: I liiiiiiiive!!! I guess turning me off and opening all the doors didn’t work as well as expected 😛

Matt: What exactly is the T-Virus?

Red Queen: A super-dooper lethal virus we’ve been designing and storing in the thinnest, most easily breakable glass conceivable to modern science. Whoopsie-daisy 😛  It was THE breakthrough in the medical sphere. The only minor drawback was it turns people into Day of the Dead rejects and fuzzy critters into the critters from Critters.

So in their quest for the ultimate weapon/cure for aging (again, their true agenda is made as clear as the fog encompassing Silent Hill), those lab boys here at Umbrella Fuck-You Inc. created a mutagen that may as well be proclaimed death incarnate. Whoa that is one royal fuck up, does their lipstick also give you werewolf AIDS and blusher turn you into Swamp Thing? Not that you’d expect anything less from an organisation operating in the earth’s core with its own personal military, mind.

Alice: Wait, this place has monster man-eaters AND laser beams?! The more I learn about the operations at Umbrella the more convinced I’m becoming that Dr Evil is the mastermind behind the entire organisation, and that sharks with lasers attached to their foreheads are in likely lurking deep within the R&D depo.

Red Queen: Actually, if you play Resident Evil: Zero…

Mat: Was locking the place down and massacring the workers really the only way to contain the virus, considering you’re a city block beneath the earth’s surface and there’s only one fortified door outta here?

Red Queen: Yes, I deemed it necessary to butcher everyone not already infected – leaving the vicious carriers of the plague to amble freely.

Mat: Surely it’d have been more prudent to kill the infected and leave the healthy!

Red Queen: Do not question my logic with your inferior brains you mere fleshlings!

Spence: Son of a bitch! I’d kill you, were it not for my crippling amnesia.

Alice: So what now? Just up and go home, and try and rebuild our shattered lives?

Red Queen: Oh no no no, it’s far too late for that – you must be quarantined forthwith, then surrender to a horribly painful death for my amusement to ensure containment.

Alice: Yeeeeah we’ll get right on that. One last thing; did you know I was in the shower and nowhere near the source of outbreak when you gassed me?

Red Queen: Heheh yeah, I thought it’d be funny 😛

Fuck that, there is nothing funny about using memory loss as an expositionary sounding board. Alice threatens to deactivate the Red Queen if she stands in their way of escape, because blackmail is a useful bargaining chip against insane supercomputers. The fastest way up is by going down (the fuck!?) through the sewage system, aka Undead Central. More shit hits the fan than a diarrheic family touring the worlds larges jet turbine museum as the zombies’ trap the team in the rafters, until they discover an access hatch while Hacker, now mildly chewed crawls off elsewhere (no doubt to turn up at the last possible moment for an act of daring heroism after we’ve forgotten he was even in the film).

Part 3: “Lick My Balls!”

Temporarily safe, Alice has a flashback of the pre-plague lab days, when she saw the development of a cure to the T-Virus. When asked how she knows this by Mat, she reveals she was his sisters’ contact who would steal the virus for her, rather than reminding him she WORKED HERE. Of course Mat now suspects her of double-crossing his sister, but right now the bigger priority is the missing cure. Oh, and Spence finally remembers that he was the one who released the virus. Big shock, I saw his inevitable betrayal on the horizon more clearly than I did when Beast Wars finally revealed Tarantulas’ as a Tripedicus agent:

I mean look at him; all the visual clues are right there, and yet his traitorous douche-baggery is far less obvious than Spences’, even to the layman!

He’s been working against Umbrella all along, begging the question ‘why release the virus at all?’ For revenge, corporate terrorism, profit….?

Answer: in order to stop Alice from leaving him. *Sniff* it takes a real man to commit genocide for true love. The act of remembering restores him to his original bastard self, wielding a gun on the group and giving Alice an ultimatum: Die or go with him and live like royalty off the profits from selling off the T-Virus – his long term memory may have returned but at the cost of his short term, for no sane person would want to risk the infection going global after having spent the best part of a day alongside the infected. Seriously Spence, get some perspective. Hilariously, the anti-virus is on the train right where they found Spence, not that he has much time to revel in the irony once a sneaky zombie removes a chunk from his neck .Infected, Spence locks them in but is ambushed by the Licker. Red Queen shows them this while giving a little presentation on the abomination: an early experiment (experiments into what exactly – how can the tongue be weaponised?!) malform that that feeds off DNA to evolve.

Lickitung evolves into..... Lickitunger. Nope, still lame 😦

Red Queen admits she was remiss to tell them about the Licker as it was her final trump card should they have gotten to the exit while infected. She waffles on about not letting them get to the anti-virus on the off chance that this long after exposure it will have no effect, however as a reward for having gotten this far in one piece she offers them safe voyage in exchange for Rain’s head. DO IT DO IT DO IT!!! As Alice prepares to get some head, and with Licker knocking at the door, Hacker makes a predictable return when he fries Red Queen’s software for good. Plus side, this means the door is unlocked; negative side, the other door with the Licker is unlocked. Back at the train they discover the partially digested Spence is alive and well – so much as a half-eaten zombie can be – and deliver the finishing blow to the traitorous dickweed. They take off for the surface with the clock on 8 minutes and Licker in hot pursuit. After a CGI extravaganza involving torn metal fuselage, Mat being infected by the toothy beast and an out of control train, Licker is ended by electrocution on the tracks. Rain dies, then dies again as they dispose of her zombie-riddled corpse. Finally after all that excitement Alice and Mat arrive back at the mansion as the bulk head permanently swings closed behind them, earning them a bronze medal for ‘best time’ – okay, not great. There is not time for jubilation as the Umbrella grunts are already setting up a perimeter, whisking Mat way for the Nemesis Programme and Alice to Racoon City as they make plans to re-open the HIVE (the phrase ‘locked forever’ means something different to what I was lead to believe evidently). I’ve never been inside an executive board meeting at Umbrella Corp. but I get the suspicion that this idea to relocate the UNSTOPPABLE AIRBORN ZOMBIE/MONSTER VIRUS to the open air, highly populated city was based upon one sole statement: “Duh, if it was only just containable underground, stands to reason that it’d be 100% containable on the surface :D”. As to be expected, when Alice wakes up in an empty clinic with enough wires coming out of her to arouse the even the pickiest techno-fetishist, she steps outside into the smouldering remains of Racoon City. The monster-zompocalypse is here, and with Mat mutating into a beast of unknown power and the city besieged by all manner of despicable creatures, what horror await Alice in the sequel….?

If only....

Some days ago…

Umbrella Executive A: It appears that the T-virus has been release within the HIVE.

Umbrella Executive B: Survivors?

Umbrella Executive A: None.

Umbrella Executive B: Thank God it was contained.

Silence descends in the gargantuan office with tiger pelts for wallpaper.

Umbrella Executive B:…you know what would be funny?

Umbrella Executive A: Funnier than all the people we forced to work and live underground being trapped in the HIVE as mindless corpses with an insane AI and a rampaging DNA leecher?

Umbrella Executive B: Better: learning nothing from this and doing it in the city where the unstoppable virus can claim the entire planet!

Umbrella Executive A: Hey yeah, that would be sorta funny lolz.

Umbrella Executive B speaks into the intercom on his gleaming desk made of eagle beaks and varnished in shark tears.

Umbrella Executive B: Susan, clear my 11 o’clock kitten stomping/masturbatory session, then pencil in ‘catalyse the apocalypse’ and bring me a Jill Sandwich.

He turns away from the intercom and Umbrella Executive  A addresses a third man on the other side of the table.

Umbrella Executive A: Sorry to keep you waiting my Paul S. Anderson, you were saying you had an idea for the boys down in the psycho-terrorism unit…

Paul S. Anderson: That’s right, a series of films that will cause instant demoralisation in all those who see or hear about it, ALL staring my wife – have you seen how hot my wife is, because I want EVERYBODY to know.

Umbrella Executive B: Go on Mr Anderson, we’re listening….

The End of the Beginning of the End…


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