Green Masked Monster

This movie is an affront to everybody; comic fans and non-fans alike, cinema goers and film lovers, Warner Brothers back catalogue, the actors (except Ryan Reynolds), the crew, God, DC and especially Geoff Johns. Green Lantern is not just bad; mark my word this film is BORING to the point of being applied in non-lethal combat scenarios as a sleeping agent. The ironic thing is that this film was green-lit to prove that  Warners’ had something up their sleeves aside from the Superman and Batman franchises, no doubt to taunt Marvel Studios imposing and highly successful Avengers franchise (that started with a bang back with Iron Man in 2008) with the possibility of a Justice League film. HA! This has been touted and rumoured for over 20 years and WILL NEVER HAPPEN – the best we can hope for is the Superman Vs Batman fanwank piece and it’s utterly unoriginal premise (details on Well, it backfired SPECTACULARLY. Make no mistake this film is atrocious; Sex & the City 2 with a bigger CGI budget. This has nothing to do with the source material, given that since Geoff Johns reinvented the title back in 2004, transforming the comic into one of Star Trek Deep Space Nine soap opera proportions set against galactic civil war, making it one of the most popular of DC’s run for years.

So where exactly did it go wrong? Well, as mentioned this was to be Warner’s chance to put a new power-tights wearing hero up on the big screen, mainly due to increasing pressure from Marvel’s successful run, so they were desperate to have complete control over the project to assure success – and we all know how good bureaucrats are at the creative process. So despite bringing Johns himself on to write an adaption of a series he saved from the grave (Hal Jordon has a long and WTF back story prior to this that ended with him essentially becoming Space Stalin and all but destroying the universe…it wasn’t exactly a fan favourite), and proven action director Martin Campbell to direct, Warner, in its desperate panic to make the potential SPACE OPERA SET AGAINST CIVIL WAR appeal to as wide an audience as possible brought on numerous co-writers (because that always work so well) to ‘fix’ the problems they thought plagued Johns script like Parallax in a host body. And guess what happened; we got Top Gun 2011 rather than a sprawling, multi-textual, multi-layered, deeply characterised and extensively populated space opera set against a backdrop of galactic civil war. Gee thanks.

I chose this film as my end of year/Christmas special review because it is so bad, so disappointing, so awful to look at (it’s an ugly film populated with bad design and less convincing CGI than that in Wild, Wild West), so so dull, and an affront to not only comic book movies but to cinema in general, with the added misery of starting Ryan Reynolds. And the worst part is that this will no doubt prevent Warners’ risking a gambit on any of their other licence rights such as Wonder Woman, Flash, Cyborg, Dead Man, or even Aquaman – instead they’ll just reboot Batman in 3 years (I wish this was just pessimistic thinking but they have stated as much once Nolan abdicates his seat on the franchise). So congratulations Warner Brothers on producing a film that not only destroyed your dreams of beating Marvel Studios at their own game and making a shit ton of cash, but for the miraculous way you’ve finally stopped the nerd community ragging on Batman & Robin. This is your prize, the top spot on Ticket Stubs’ refund pile.

Part 1: Where Are the Aliens?

*This article refers to the directors’ cut of the film*

Space stretches out before us, filled, as we are informed via narration, with thousands of intelligently populated worlds and even galaxies, with each solar system being appointed a representative for the intergalactic police service, the Green Lantern Corps. A group of aliens on some far away moon are following a weird energy signatures picked up in the forbidden zone or neutral space or something equally off-limits, when the moons’ surface gives way and they find themselves in a chamber with a big glowing yellow thing trapped in the rock: the ultimate evil in the universe, Parallax:

I cannot wait to see how the bat/lizard/dragon/dragonfly/snake/Hellspawn will be visually realised for cinema :D….wait, what is that? It’s just a bulbous floating head made of yellow! The newborn Crayola awakens from his deep slumber.

Parallax (allegedly): Ah, what is this now? I sense great fear in you….

Alien Scientist #1: Erm, no you don’t.

Alien Scientist #2: I have a twisted ankle – does that count as fear?

Alien Scientist #3: I’d class that more as pain.

Alien Scientist #2: Hey you’re right. Ouch!

Parallax: Look upon my form. Do you not find me terror incarnate?

Alien Scientist #1: Should we?

Parallax: Duh, I’m like totally encased in rock out here in forbidden space – that’s because I’m so bad ass.

Alien Scientist #3: I guess that makes sense…

Parallax: Ha you fools! Now I shall feed on your mild fear – literally sucking it from your bodies.

Alien Scientist #1: So…we’ll become fearless then :D?

Parallax: Not really. Basically I just drain all your blood and organs until you’re dead.

Alien Scientist #3: But why do we need to be afraid for you to do that – it seems like a pretty big evolutional flaw, especially now we know you’re powerless without our fear.

Parallax: Ah…crap. Then time for plan B: look over there, Warner Brothers’ are announcing plans to relaunch the Batman series with Uwe Boll and Paul Anderson.

Alien Scientists #1/2/3: AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! Nooooooooo~!

Parallax: Muhahaha  nom nom nom!

Parallax breaks free and audiences learn a brutal lesson about trespassing; chiefly that it’ll just lead to immense disappointment.

I don’t know about you but I’ve had enough of space, aliens and intrigue. What’s say we go check out earth – that planet so seldom seen in movies, especially the ones set in a universe of trillions of inhabited planets (if you don’t sense my bitter sarcasm then leave now before you’re crushed under the weight of it). Young Hal Jordon is pissing the bed with fear – nothing in particular triggered it, he’s just a cowardly fuckwit who could teach germ-phobic worms with Ornithophobiaa a thing or two about spinelessness. He creeps downstairs to over hear his mother crying at her husband that she is afraid that he will die in tomorrow’s experimental plane flight – that’s some confidence your wife has in you Mr Jordan. If Hal wasn’t considering the odds of his father’s death before now, then way to go mum for doing it now.  Daddy dearest returns Hal to bed where they share a forced bonding moment used to juxtapose his parenting skills to the antagonists’ shortly. The following day Hal and best friend…erm Love Interest (I literally cannot recall her name, nor wish to expend bandwidth looking it up, so little to I care) tag along to see Mr Jordan in action, joined by fellow snivelling coward and daddies-boy Hector Hammond; as if we didn’t get that he was a through-the-looking-glass version of Hal, we even get see his father Tim Robins talking down to his only son for reading – reading, like it’s shameful. As is to be expected the simulation goes horrifically wrong and Hal gets to see his father burn to a screaming cinder with the clarity of IMAX as the plane crashes and explodes. Cut to the present and Hal has grown into a royal douche (I base that on nothing yet but his casting as Ryan Reynolds), whose womanising, sports car collection, one liners and poor social skills attribute him having turned to Tony Stark in lieu of a real father figure (when in doubt, borrow from a more successful film I always say). He arrives at the airbase where he and Love Interest, whose dad owns the place (noticing a trend in father figures here that has NO further significance or payoff whatsoever once Hammond has been *smirk* ‘established’ as a character), is waiting along with the investors there to see if the new AI drones are worth their $$$trillions.

Hal: Sorry I’m late general, I was nailing your sister. BOOM!

Love Interest: Maybe one day you’ll bone me but until then I’ll continue to act frostily to you like Rachael in Batman Begins [again, why strive for original when other films have the character traits you’re searching for?]

Military Contractor: We’re ready to see these drones in action. If they’re as good as you say then we’ll invest enough money into your company it’ll make the liberal media vomit in outrage.

Hal: Ah but I’m deep and complex, so I’m going to sabotage the simulation and have 2/3rds of the staff laid off. Peeeace!

He uses Love Interest as a human shield, literally letting her be gunned down needlessly while he breaks the rules of engagement and destroys his plane and the drones after flying so high the atmosphere freezes them. So the drones are a 100% success, so long as the opponent doesn’t destroy his own plane in order to obtain a moral victory.  Hal freaks out from flashbacks to his dads death and decides to bail, costing them 2 planes, 2 drones and a million billion dollar contract. What a c***!

Managing Director: God damn it Jordan! Why, why in God’s name, why?

Hal: Because I’m a twat with issues to prove/loveable anti-hero 😀

Managing Director: We needed that contract. Now I’m going to have to put hundreds of good, honest, hard working men and women out of work during an economic recession. Naturally I can’t fire you [because his daughter wants you to garnish her salmon fillet with your tartar sauce], even though any mentally adjusted man would have you court marshalled.

Hal: I appreciate it, you old douchetard. Laterz, I’m, going to screw some drunken co-eds while masturbating to your dead wife, lol.

In space (oh yeah, I’d forgotten this is a sci-fi epic) Abin Sur, the purple man who imprisoned Parallax previously, is now under attack from his old foe, now restored to his natural and terrifying form – not terrifying in the way it should be like here: 

If you’re a being of pure terror struggling to come up with a form that’ll make people shit themselves, this’ll do it.

No, more like Uatu the Watcher on a chain smoking binge kinda terrifying.

“Behold the dangers of smoking! Does it not fill you with terror!?”

Forgetting that his defeated Parallax singlehandedly before, Abin chooses to run like a coward…now I’m no expert, but if he’s meant to be powerful even by Green Lantern standard then why is he running in fear, knowing that the emotion alone is giving Parallax strength? The convolution paradox causes his space station to explode. Injured from a wound inflicted by Parallax, Abin sets a course for the nearest planet with life: Earth. Oh good, more earth – can’t get enough of all the humans and melodrama there.

Hal rockets over to his nephews’ birthday to spout some paternalistic pap about bravery before speeding off to heed the call of the Abin Sur’s Ring in a bubble of green energy. See, when Abin Sur crash landed next to a shipping port UNNOTICED, he sent the Ring to find the bravest man on Earth. And it picked Hal….yeah, so the Ring is either broken or ‘brave’ has a different meaning on Oa, as thus far Hal has pissed his pants as a kid, lost a military contract and a lot of staffers’ jobs, and had a conniption fit over memories of losing his father – arrogance, stubbornness, womanising, and FEAR have nothing to do with bravery. In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the Ring had intended to choose Hal’s nephew over him, but Hal prized the Ring from his broken fingers and took it because it was shiny and he wantz it.

Abin Sur: You…you are not the one I sent for…

Hal: Holy Moses, an alien – dude you gotta let me get a photo of us for Facebook and then let me pick up chicks in your space ship.

Abin Sur: If you’d stop pulling on my arm for a moment I can tell you how to work the immense power you’ve stolen for yourself.

Hal: Hey, shut up a second – what’s this lantern thingy?

Abin Sur: It will charge the Ring and give you unlimited powers. All you must do is speak the oath: “Through brightest da-“

Hal: Yeah yeah blah blah blah. Does it come in bitching orange or something less gay?

Abin Sur: Forget it! I no longer care if the universe is doomed so long as he goes with it.

Abin Sur dies in shame and regret. Deciding to avoid all the hard work that’d come with burying the body with dignity (and possibly preventing his discovery and dissection in a government lab), Hal instead decides to pile a small mountain of rocks onto the corpse as an obvious burial mound for the inbound government agents. Having made first contact with extra terrestrials, been given the power of a fleet of Herculeses’ and been the only one not fired for ruining a trillion dollar military contract, Hal naturally feel the need to mope and pity himself BECAUSE HE LOST HIS DADDY AS A KID. Love interest COMFORTS Hal, the man who has just jeopardised her father’s company, caused billions in property damage, and made an entire work force redundant, because he is having a rough time with his daddy memories (this could have been a great commentary piece about how Joe-Shlub is a victim of the bullet-proof ubber classes’ thoughtless actions, but no; instead that’ll be the job of The Dark Knight Rises [if you haven’t already, go check out the new trailer – wow!]). She dances with him, because all good galaxy-spanning space epics need a waltz, but fails to get as far as the intended kiss because Hal is such a dick he’d willingly go without sex to deprive someone who loves him of what they want. In the parking lot he is approached by three former workers sacked that day for Hal’s arrogance.

Man: We all got fired today!

Hal: But how is that my problem?

Man: Because of you! You may not have a family to feed, be a close friend to the director’s daughter, and have cash to spare on sports cars and whores, but we have to scrape by just to put our kids through school.

Hal: Yawn.

They have Hal outnumbered but are the bigger men by calling it quits after one punch, and too fucking right – so far in Hal has earned a royal ass-kicking and maybe hospitalisation in addition to redundancy and blacklisting from every military instillation and family get-together. However, jaw-slackening as it sounds we’re actually meant to be rooting for this colossal shit stack for getting less than what he deserves. Hal uses the power of the ring to smack ten pounds of cosmic pain into the faces of the ex-workers. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MEANT TO CONVINCE US TO BELIEVE THIS COWARDLY AROGANT CHEATER IS WORTHY OF OUR ADMIRATION OR THE POWER OF THE CORPS OR THE NAME ‘DEADPOOL’!? After avenging his pride Hal is transported across space to Oa, hopefully for a court martial and expulsion. What he gets is far worse though.

Hal: Wha…W-where am I?! Why am I naked, and what the fuck is this green mask hovering unconvincingly around my eyes?

A chicken/fish/snake enters the room who is far less out of place than the CG mask over Hal’s face.

Chicken McFillet: Greetings. I am Tomar-Re, chosen to be the welcoming committee for my unshocking appearance.

Aaaaaahhhhhhhh! Kill it! KILL IT!

Hal: Ha, your face is a tradgedy – it’s like a McChicken sandwich and a McFish fillet burger had a retard baby that was then involved in a massive traffic collision lolz.

Tomar-Re: Seriously? That’s the first thing you have to say on meeting a new sentient species as the Earth ambassador and representative on Oa?

Hal: Actually brov’ I was thinking how’s about you get this horribly uncanny valley mask off my face.

Tomar-Re: I’m afraid too much budget was spent in it to remove or ignore it.

Hal: You spent money on this?! I could go to my car and grab a more convincing Robin Hood mask from the trunk for free.

Tomar-Re: You think the mask is bad, wait till you see the rest of the suit.

A jarringly ugly green suit the same texture as a well-worn bunion materialises over Hal’s body while his head floats disconnectedly around the glaringly fake object that was once his torso.

Hal: Would a bit of green & black spandex been too much to ask for? Did Thor need CG armour!?

Tomar-Re: no, but Iron Man did and we need to compete on all fronts in the war against Marvel.

Hal: Well we’re only an hour into this mess and I can already tell you you’ve lost that war dipshit.

The pair attend a meeting of the Corps where chief lantern Sinestro gives a short memorial to his best friend Abin Sur, being sure to call out Hal as an inferior successor to his Ring (no gay innuendo intended). The Green Lantern Corps are perhaps one of the most creative and distinguishable characters in geek culture… in the comics – in the film all I can distinguish is a blurred sea of mute-coloured freaks with barely enough screen time to get a good look even with the movie paused. All the posters with a cast of dozens of species are a complete misnomer as this will be the first and last you’ll see any of them, so if you want your money’s worth of aliens then you may as well just stare at the articles’ title image for more than 3 seconds to get the most out of them. If Hals is to be a member of the Corps then he must pass basic training – and I mean basic.

Kilowog: Time for ya 2 minutes of training human. Prepare yourself for the punishing regime of Kilowog.

Hal: I’m sorry, what was your name?

Kilowog: Kilowog.

Hal: Uh-hu…and how do I pronounce that?

Kilowog: Kill-oh-wogg.

Hal: Now how do I say it without sounding like a racist? [Turns out no white guy can.]

Kilowog shows Hal that the Ring can manifest anything the wearer thinks, using a barrage of shackles and weights to prove that the implications and uses are as limitless as one’s imagination – unfortunately Hal’s imagination is limited to guns and swords, so we won’t be seeing much in the way of interest like a giraffe Cyborg with a pistol neck launcher. Hal barely holds his own, eventually scoring a dirty win by KICKING KILOWOG IN THE NUT SACK FROM BEHIND. Sinestro takes over while taunting Hal about the terror he feels coming from the human before leaving in disgust (as many in the audience had wisely done some time earlier). To Hal’s credit, if you’d just been flung across the galaxy and forced to fight a porcupine the size of a bungalow AND a master sword fighter with a head the size of a ripe purple melon and a personal grudge against you for wearing his best friends still warm heirlooms, you’d be pretty afraid too – and Hal was pissing the bed not 50 min ago.

Hal: So I’ll take it I passed.

Kilowog: You got your ass handed to ya and flunked so bad that even the supervising instructor left in disgrace. What’dja think?

Tomar-Re: Sigh, we’ll need to work on that arrogance compensating for bravery issue you have.

Hal: Never! Without my arrogance I’m nothing. I quit. Screw you ass-tards, I’m going home *sob*.

Tomar-Re: Wait! At least leave the ring so we can give it to someone deserving-crap he’s gone L.

Bet Abin Sur is kicking himself now – the limitless power of a thousand worlds in the hands of a man with emotional instability and self-entitlement will forever be his legacy. Burn.

Part 2: ‘There and Back Again: A Douche Bags’ Tale’

On earth (coincidentally where we’ll be spending practically the entirety of this sci-fi space epic), the government have called on the aid of Hector Hammond – for those with short memories or not in possession of the BluRay exclusive directors’ cut, this introduction of a new character near an hour in may seem odd, but he’s a childhood friend of Love Interest with a tenuous link to Hal through youth. Whisked away to a secret underground bunker he is presented the corpse of Abin Sur.

Dr Waller: Mr Hammond, your senator father has asked that you, a highschool biology teacher, perform the autopsy on the first alien ever encountered. Not that I’m bitter or anything, seeing as I’ve been working in a subterranean bunker since the 1970s for such an occasion.

Hector: But why me? Does my father actually possess such little respect for me that he’d have me perform such a groundbreaking act, even though I’ve never earned it through merit alone? Oh why is life so unfair!?

*sorry, forgot to mention that on top of being a mirror-darkly reflection of Hal, Hector is an even bigger whiney prick.

No sooner has he said “of course I’m capable of this” does Hector get bitten by a piece of Parallax and infected with a shard of his entity. Win.

That night Hal is invited to attend a big party for all the rich people unaffected by the recession or recent job-cuts plaguing the area. Hector has also been invited and the two share a conversation that establishes the tenuous connection they share.

Hal: You’re Hector.

Hector: And you’re Hal. I also remember you from our past.

Hal: Boosh, now let’s never speak again.

Hector: I’d like that.

Senator Hammond: Ah Col. Jordan, I see you and your full head of hair have met my hunched, prematurely balding son. It’s a shame he couldn’t have been born more attractive or he could have been worthy of my praise and glory; as is the birthright of all beautiful people.

Hector is developing telekinesis as a result of his hosting of Parallax (who says parasites are all take-take no give?) and smashes up his father’s helicopter as it leaves, which proceeds to cut a swath through the party and one assumes the guests as it makes a B-line for Love Interest.

Hal: Oh no, I was going to let her have sex with me later! Up, up and awaaaaay!

Hal saves her in the most overly complex and CG budget-crippling way conceivable: fitting wheels to the helicopter and making it run a lengthy gauntlet of scalextric track safely away (THE FUCK!?). Dressed in full Corps gear Hal whisks the unconscious Love Interest away, with NOT ONE member of the stunned partygoers asking who he is, if he caused or stopped the helicopter crash, or why he is abducting the daughter of a high ranking military personnel , or even what the deal is with the terribly unconvincing CGI mask he’s wearing– hell, the selfish fucks don’t even see if the asshole of a Senator is alright.

The Guardians of the Galaxy are holding a council with Sinestro about the recent mass exterminations of planets that has been snaking its way from the Forbidden Zone towards them for some hours.

Sinestro: As the only one fit to bear a pencil moustache I demand that you send me and a team of my best guard to examine the threat in person.

Guardian #1: You want us to send all our best troops into the jaws of unknown? Doesn’t that sort of leave us at a disadvantage if you fail?

Sinestro: Guys, c’mon this is Sinestro talking here.

Guardian #2: Before you go, there is something you must know; the creature, well we kinda created it-

Guardian #3: Quiet you fool, this could be our only chance at milking the yellow Ring/Sinestro Corps. angle for the sequel.

Guardian #2: Oh riiiiight. Forget I said anything.

Sinestro and his brigade of super-lanterns fly out to meet with Parallax.

Crocodile Lantern: Is that giant octopus with a baby’s head the thing we’re hunting for?

Parallax: Gaze upon me and know true fear!

Squid Lantern: Meh, not feeling it. My girlfriend says the only thing I’m afraid of is commitment *shared laugh*

Parallax: If I was a bat/lizard/dragon fly I wouldn’t be having this problem… Okay, how about you tell me what you’re afraid of instead?

Rock Lantern: I’m afraid of moths…


Parallax: Muhahahahah nom nom nom.

Exploiting the lanterns as they try desperately not to think of their phobias, sort of like Dan Aykroyd’s Mr Stay Puff in Ghost Busters, Parallax is able to drain the entire squad except for Sinestro, who’s face would suggest he is  VERY afraid, yet remains untouched.


If I was Parallax, this expression would be the equivalent of an all you can terror eat buffet

Back on Earth (AGAIN!) Hal shares a tender moment with Love Interest, who can tell it’s the man she loves (God knows why) despite the mask covering 1/8th of his entire face. They steal a balcony scene from Superman and some dialogue from Spider-Man that they know convey the relevant emotions required to stir the audience in order to avoid Warner calling in another script editor to further bastardise the legacy of Geoff Johns. Elsewhere Hammond is undergoing further mutations as the Parallax entity assumes control, assuming that even though Hammond actually has more to gain from becoming a sympathetic hero able to rise above his crappy hand dealt by life, a decent portion of ugly to his face is all that’s needed to get him to fall from grace – and he’s correct, because all ugly people are one wrinkle away from becoming Idi Armeen, whereas only the pretty ones are hero material according to this film.

Warner Studios Taster Panel: Ewww, he’s ugly now so there is no way he could be anything but a villain. I hate him!

More Cine-literate Individual (not invited to the session): Does he have to be evil just because he’s aesthetically unpleasing? Wouldn’t someone who’s worked hard against the odds his entire life be a more intriguing protagonist than some pretty boy with no grasp on true sacrifice given power but with no concept of empathy for the weak and down trodden?   

Warner Studio Taster Panel: Maybe…if he was played by Robert Pattinson 😀

So Fuggo the human potato returns to work – his hideous, attention-drawing visage being of no hindrance on his way into the highly quarantined lab. His father comes to check on him/have him experimented on.

Senator Hammond: It’s what you always wanted son; I’m paying attention to you after all these years. And we even get to bond over your love of science

Hector: I’d rather it not have been because you want to dissect me as a human/alien hybrid.

Senator Hammond: Fine, then let’s all do what you want to do. While I’m at it, want to talk about your 40 years of virginity and the last Harry Potter film you massive gay?

Hector: You can be so mean when you’re sober…and drunk. I don’t need you anymore dad, ‘cause I’ve got a parasite that’ll allow me to become the bigger man – which I’ll literally become once I remove your shins.

Hector tears up the lab and kills everybody, not because he’s got a complex character arch in which one subtle shift caused a fall to the dark side, but because he has a head like a sack of turnips (Christ by this logic Green Lantern has declared was on all of Eastern Europe). Sensing space-related danger, Hal Green Lanterns’ up and flies to the…well not exactly rescue as that’d imply he arrived in time to prevent the slaughter – not the case, as Hammond and all his limited telekinetic abilities to make things go wiz-foom around a room has proven a match for all the power at Green Lantern’s disposal (arrogance is no substitute for imagination kids). Hammond even manages to take down Hal, a man whom underwent basic training even if he didn’t get the qualifier certificate, and when he touches Hal it allows Parallax Prime to sense the Ring that imprisoned him, setting course for Earth.

Desperate, Hal flees; returning to Oa and interrupting a meeting of the Guardian council and Sinestro to plead for his case… Wait, why is he doing this – he left the Corps and has no ties to the Council, so why does he feel he needs to ask if he can engage the enemy? What’s more, he just left the proven danger and emotionally unstable Hector to his own business back home after the villain won the fight!

Sinestro: Parallax is more powerful than anything I have ever encountered. How can that be?

Guardian #1: We created him – ever notice that empty chair among the council seats? Well eons ago we worried that after creating the Lantern Corps and unifying ALL sentient life under peace, someone might oppose us and our thinly veiled dictatorship.

Sinestro: If you had the entire galaxy under your rule then whom did you have to fear?

Guardian #2: Shush, we’re talking. Anyway, in our unfounded paranoia we decided to create a new power even more powerful than Will: Fear.

Sinestro: But why!?

Guardian #3: However it all went wrong somehow and the fear overcame our unwilling guinea pig, the Guardian Parallax. How ironic that in our desperation to defend ourselves we created THE ULTIMATE EVIL IN THE UNIVERSE!!!! Boy were our faces maroon. Anyway long story, Abin Sur locked him away never to threaten us again.

Sinestro: Wait, I was Abin Sur’s best and most trusted friend, so how is this the first I’ve ever heard of this? Then I guess all we can do is make me one of those Yellow Rings so I can deliver a sequel.

Guardian #4: That’s exactly that what got us into this mess in the first place, buuuut what the Hell; knock yourself out J.

Hal: S’up niggars! That Paralaxative thing is totally heading for earth – you gotta lemme fight him.

Guardian #3: Who are you?

Hal: I’m THE Green Lantern. Remember; the only one to ever fail basic training, then quit and stole your priceless weapon doo-dad?

Guardian #4: Oh yeah…can we have it back then?

Hal: Like fuck can you. So can I get permission to fight Paraplegic?

Guardian #1: *rubbing head in pain* You stole from us and  now asking if you can fight for a planet we’ve never heard of – we don’t care, just leave.

Hal: Bitchin’!

Guardian #3: Thank God he’s gone.

Guardian #1: But what if he fails?

Guardian #2: Fails my arse, what if he succeeds? He might come back!

Guardian #1: You’re right! Quick, forge Sinestro a Yellow Ring, it’s our only hope!

Part 3: Hero By-Proxy

On returning to earth for what must be the 5th time (seriously, this film spends more time on earth than a period drama) Hal is…well he would be shocked but that’d involve some form of emotional response and empathy, when he discovers Hammond has abducted Love Interest. Arriving at his foes’ doom fortress/storage warehouse, it is all too clear this was a trap: Hammond is now chair-ridden due to the disfiguring effects of Parallax or his growing telepathic powers, or maybe because he believes even Hal is above hitting a man in a wheelchair (the man has lost his mind if that’s what he thinks).

Hector: Hold it right there Jordan. I have a syringe of Parallax entity in your girlfriends’ neck. Now do you want me to make her like me or do you want to trade me your Ring?

Hal: I got news for you Mr Potato Head; I don’t even know her name.

Love Interest: Please Hal – I’ll have sex with you, so remember your one life principal: Never screw anyone uglier than Kathy Bates.

Hal: You’re right! I must abide the code. Take the Ring erm….ummm….

Hector: It’s Hector! We shared a moment once when your dad exploded.

The Ring powers up Hector to Lantern Corp level. Suprise suprise he then turns on Hal, though this doesn’t necessarily make him bad, just a man who knows what the people want. However, come the pre-killing blow Hal reveals that Hector never had control of the Ring (then how did he just use it do throw Hal around –does Hal not even have to wear the thing to work it? [the fuck!?]) and it was all a ruse: the power must be appointed not earned, which is the most fucked up crap spewed from a blockbuster in a considerable age as it claims that no matter how hard one works and strives, some pretty boy douche is considered more worthy based on birthright, not ability and merit. FUCK YOU GREEN LANTERN.

Hal: Joke’s on you turd munch; you have to be chosen to be given super powers.

Hector: But I was chosen, by Parallax. And given that I could (and earlier did) beat you with all your unlimited Lantern powers with just some telekinesis and spoon bending, I think that established who the real chosen one is.

Displeasure at convoluted plot logic allowing him trans-dimensional teleportation, Parallax turns up and shows his dissatisfaction at Hectors’ progress by eating him in what must be the most needless scene of betrayal in ANY film.

Parallax: I gave you super powers; I gave you your orders; I even forked out the money for the wheelchair and yet still you failed me.

Hector: To be fair, it’s been like 3 minutes – 2.5 of which were spent with me handing Green Lantern his ass. Plus the only reason he survived the last brawl was because he ran away. Can you give me another minute?

Parallax: Nope, you blew it. Now I gotta eat you.

Hector: We could team up – take him out in like a second.

Parallax: No, you’re done. Die knowing you were completely irrelevant to the plot nom nom nom.

At least consume the Ring too Parallax – NO, don’t leave it lying in Hector’s shrivelled hand for Hal to retrieve…oh too late. Considering that Hal MOMENTS AGO displayed the ability to control the Ring with mere thought alone, he makes a dash for it regardless, drawing him out of cover and to the attention of Big, Bald & Yellow. Transforming back into his just awful CG outfit (here it is btw):

I prefered the Bat Suits with nipples


-it’s time to take the fight to the streets. The over populated streets. Filled with people. Terrified people…congratulations Hal, you just led Parallax to an all you can eat buffet. Suddenly the film jars, the screen warps and a wormhole opens – peering inside we see the script meeting between Geoff Johns and the Warner Bosses and their script-editing lackeys earlier that year;

Warner Executive: Well Geoff, I gotta say I’m loving the script so far.

Geoff: You mean love it so much you’ve removed all my input and instead made it into a terrestrial melodrama with 2D characters with no empathetic traits?

Warner Executive: Exactly, the bribed taster session show we’re onto a real winner here. Now the reason you’ve been summoned from your soundproof cage in the production office is because of this street battle between Hugh Jenson and Palpatine.

Geoff: Hal and Parallax.

Warner Executive: So in your version Hal and Perfelex fight in the city, where he sucks all the bystanders’ fear out, killing them and becoming even more powerful, making Hal realise his grave underestimation of his nemesis, and now must shoulder the burden of all those killed by his mistake, thus allowing him to undergo dramatic character growth…

Market Researcher: However, studies from 1921 show that American audiences don’t like to dwell on their powerless mortality.

Script Editor: Even in fictitious situations.

Warner Executive: Thus our team of re-writers and editors, chosen for their utter contempt for the superhero genre and inability to create for themselves, have whipped up a new take on things.

He clicks his fingers and a bowing lackey hands Geoff a script.

Geoff: “Hal leads Parallax outside where they dance with sparklers…”

Script Editor: Brilliance!

Market Researcher: Inspired!

Warner Executive: What do you think?

Geoff: *sighing* Promise to get my name off this God-forsaken project on release, and I think I can come to a compromise…

The wormhole collapses and the film resumes seconds before where we left off. Hal has made the mistake of drawing parallax into a city brimming with people scared shitless. Now, will Parallax:

a)      Consume the fearful citizens and become all powerful, forcing Hal to delve into the true power of the Lantern Ring but forever forced to remember the lives lost to his folly.

b)      Dances with sparklers

c)       Doesn’t eat the people nor force Hal to grow from his errors, but neither does he dance with sparklers.

Given a choice between ‘b’ and ‘c’ I think the latter would have made him more threatening and creepy. Yes, Parallax is so angry that Hal is simply WEARING THE RING OF THE MAN WHO IMPRISONED HIM that he overlooks the thousands of horror-struck morsels running in fright, just because HAL IS WEARING A RING- not because of a personal vendetta or a shared hatred of Ryan Reynolds; he’ll willingly put destroying Oa (home of the Lanterns AND the Guardians who screwed him over in the first instance) and eating his fill here on hold because (once more with feeling) Hal is wearing a piece of jewellery that reminds him of his ex.  

Raaaah, so stupid I've gone cross-eyed!

How’s that for motivation? Realising that he doesn’t have the power to stop Parallax and might even be endangering some grateful pussy by keeping him out in the open, Hal lures Parallax into space. Sigh, now remember that earlier Hal demanded the council send him unaccompanied and unprepared to fight the ultimate evil in the universe, whom grows in strength for ever planet of fear he consumes. In doing so Hal not only potentially allowed Parallax to grow even stronger before his showdown, but also believed that he alone had it in him to defeat him BASED ON NOTHING – he couldn’t even beat Sinestro, and Kilowog only stepped aside because his balls got in the way of Hal’s foot. Well guess what Hal, running away and nut crushing don’t work on anthropomorphic fear nebula.

Although the gas spewing anus may be a weak spot

If Parallax really wanted revenge he’d look past his own rage, fail to fall for the decoy move of the space chase and instead eat Hal’s homeworld just to stick it to him (if I was Fear Itself that’s what I’d do). Yet he follows Hal, who uses the sun’s gravitational pull against the bulky mass of Parallax, fatally sucking him into the inferno. As Hal also succumbs to gravity he is rescued by Sinestro, Kilowog and Tomar-Re – not because of a kinship, it’s just that the most money and *cough* characterisation when into them so they get a little more screen time.

Hal: *weakly* Brohan, you saved me. Then, you must actually think I’m as awesome as I always say.

Sinestro: Actually, you’re to be tried and executed for theft of Lantern property, interrupting a council session uninvited, cowardice in the face of the enemy, and endangering lives by arrogantly assuming you could defeat Parallax by yourself.

Hal: Ah weak!

On probation Hal visits Love Interest to tell her that he’ll sex her up sideways later, first however he’s got cool space stuff to do – epic shit that won’t be shown in the film naturally.

Buckle your sphincters for the only good bit of this travesty; Sinestro puts on a Yellow Ring and assumes the Sinestro Corps uniform. It’s utterly pointless because there is ABSOLUTLY NO PLOT REQUIRMENT NOR PERSONAL NEED FOR HIM TO DO THIS, yet he does it anyway because there is sequel potential in it. Got news for ‘ye Sinestro – you too Warner Brothers – there’s more chance of Robin getting a sensual oil massage in Dark Knight Rises than of Green Lantern II.

Now officially canon

This film really is the anti-Thor:


Green Lantern

God turned mortal Mortal turned God
Arrogant Thor learns errors of his ways and becomes humbled Arrogant Hal learns nothing and fails to amend his ways
Thor earns his powers after proving himself Hal is given powers from the get go
Loki is a deep and complex villain, while Laufey has a reason seek vengeance. Hammond is ugly and bald, while Parallax is a self-made monster who likes to break shit.
Thor comes to appreciate those he formerly looked down on Hal treats everyone beneath him ,even the Guardians and battle-proven Lantern Corps
Thor gets over himself and becomes the bigger man, earning his abilities back Hal never gets over his hang-ups. He doesn’t earn his powers, instead stealing the Ring and the Lantern powers
Thor and Jane fall in love but are forcibly separated by the vastness of space Love Interest is already in love with Hal, who doesn’t have to work to gain her affections, and in the end they remain together despite his obligations
Thor is banished to earth but the plot is able to balance screen time between there and Asgard equally Hal is called to space yet somehow finds a way to spend 99% of the film on earth
Thro grows emotionally and in terms of character depth Hal whines and mopes, with no hint of character arc or development
Chris Hemsworth Ryan Reynolds

Everything that made Thor the character driven spectacle that it is flipped on its head here, which is ironic seeing as Green Lantern is so keen to swipe scenes and characters form every other superhero film, it overlooked the one that it shared most kinship with.

The End, and with it the end of any hope of a Justice League movie

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