Monster Mash

There once lived a man; a man of ambition; a man potential of great things. However, this was a man plagued with obsession and thoughts that defied God – dangerous thoughts. With no regard for the repercussions of his work and the latest technology at his disposal, he proceeded along a path of madness in order to feed his dark obsessions in order to create a being that would forever prove that man has surpassed his creator by becoming the creator. The fruits of his labour were monstrous, an abomination that would forever haunt him and threaten the world at large. His name has since become synonymous with evil and the horrific, un-Godly malform he had unleashed upon the mortal world: Stephen Sommers.

Part 1: I was Working in my Lab Late one Night…

Back before the internet, nerds had to make do with other means of wasting their time on obsessive projects that didn’t involve bitching about movies to an invisible, possibly fictitious, audience. One such man was Dr. Victor Frankenstein, who is currently in the process of being mobbed for grave robbery – these angry villagers are the variety with pitch forks and flaming torches that you don’t see much of since the government made protesting, freedom of speech and mob mentality punishable by death (it’s only a matter of time people!). All good and familiar so far, however hold on to your sphincters because this is where the plot gets a little convoluted, and a lot crazy. Count Dracula has contracted Frankenstein to create him a living corpse for sinister purposes…as if digging up dead relatives, stitching them together and hitting them with lightning until they return to life as the walking dead was in no way sinister to Frankenstein’s mind.

Dracula: One bat. Two bat. Three bat. Excellent work Wictor. I shall now take away this unholy creature to achieve my true, and far more evil objectives.

Frankenstein: ‘Evil’? You want to use my composite companion for evil? If I’d have known you planned to abuse my work as such I never would have dug up freshly buried corpses, hacked them apart and reanimated them to live in eternal torment!

Dracula: How did you not get that there was a sinister motive when I gave you funding and a spooky-as-fuck castle to commit experiments that’d make Satan himself say “dude, too far”?

Frankenstein: I assumed it was for light clerical and administrative purposes. But know that I’d kill myself before allowing you to see this plan through.

Dracula:…How is that a threat?

Igor has been working behind the scenes to ensure that Frankenstein’s work was completed for his long in the tooth master, because what betray is complete without a hunch-back leper? Frankenstein’s Monster escapes his confines and throws Dracula into the fire when the vampire fiend kills Frankenstein with bad special effects. Fleeing with dead father in his arms, Monster holds up in the safest place he can think of when perused by villagers with flaming torches: the most flammable windmill in Europe. Major backfire, the wooden windmill filled with dry wheat and straw burns down – oh, if only you’d have given him a working brain Dr. Frankenstein, not a tin of alphabet soup. Dracula reverts to a monstrous bat form and with brides in league arrives just as the windmill collapses in a flaming heap. There plan is so clearly ruined that they feel no need to search the flames, which Dracula has just proven do NOT affect vampires, for the already dead-yet-alive answer to their problems. YOU ONLY SAID TO FRANKENSTEIN 2 SCENES AGO THAT YOU CAN’T KILL WHAT’S ALREADY DEAD, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THE MONSTER IS: UNDEAD PERFECTION! Fuck, this guy is a retard! Maybe the Monster holds the key to stop their melodramatic over-acting.

A year passes and Van Helsing is busy making trouble for his travelling band of merry monks by killing a one-armed Mr Hyde (maybe a distant relative of Dr. Curt ‘The Lizard’ Connors), who curiously feels he needs to reacquaint himself to Helsing despite having just mentioned that they met in London – you’re unlikely to forget a man with such fabulous hair dressed as a cowboy and a habit of blowing holes in your arm, and Jekyll/Hyde is meant to be one of the leading scientific minds of the age! Overkill being his mothers’ maiden name, Helsing grapple-shots Hyde through a cathedral as he transforms back into Dr. Jekyll, making a Jackson Pollok of the good doctor on the streets below. “No one forgets my face, bitch” growls Wolverine Helsing, who returns home to Vatican City for his next assignment, given to him by a monk whose name could be nothing but Ponder Stibbons no matter what IMDB might say.

Ponder Stibbons: Ever heard of vampires?

Helsing: No

Ponder Stibbons: Werewolves?

Helsing: Can’t say I have.

Ponder Stibbons: Zombies?

Helsing: Doesn’t ring any bells.

Ponder Stibbons: What have you heard of?

Helsing: I’ve killed a lot of ghosts – well, people who would have no doubt become ghosts.

Keeping it to himself that Helsing may be out of your depth here, Stibbons presses on to explain that 450 years ago some blowhard declared war on Dracula (who is never once referred to by the monk as ‘evil’, ‘vampire’, ‘Satan’s spawn’ or any other thing to suggest he is more than human, thus making the proclamation of family war sound more akin to a drunken feud than devotion to ridding the world of evil), and brashly condemning his bloodline to an afterlife in Purgatory when he claimed that: until his family destroys the Count, they shall never enter Heaven. And you though the kids placed into social welfare due to severe beatings had it bad. With but the two heirs left to vanquish Dracula being a sissy girl and a man who talks more pride in his hair than gender orientation, it’s up to Van Helsing to kill a potentially innocent, if long lived man (UNDER ORDERS OF THE POPE!) in order to send this family tree plagued with Dutch Elm Disease to the hereafter, because, and I want you to pay attention here, THIS FAMILY HAS GIVEN THE VATICAN SHIT LOADS OF CASH OVER THE YEARS. So think of it less as a purification rite, more of a vengeful assassination UNDER ORDERS OF THE POPE! The father of the two fated sprogs left the Vatican a scroll with a cryptic message about opening a door with an insignia ring that matches Helsing’s ring. The plot thickens and this is only the tip of the convoluted iceberg making up the narrative. Helsing and Stibbons set out for Transylvania, kitted out with all the usual anti-vampire trappings, plus some new additions like a gas powered quick-fire crossbow, and a UV grenade (the fuck!?) as pilfered from the bowls of the Vatican…and Blade II.

Hope you remembered to bring your waders, because we’re now waddling deeper into the quagmire that is the plot logic. Remember how the lives of these two charity cases are integral to the wellbeing of their forefathers in the afterlife? Well they’ve decided that the best way to remain alive long enough to avenge their bloodline is to tie the brother, Velkan, to a stake and use him as werewolf bate – a plan worthy of Killme McDeathwish. There hope is to capture the werewolf and then interrogate it as to why Dracula sent it after them. Errrr, gee guys, maybe it has something to do with your determination to kill Dracula being good incentive for him to unleash a bloodthirsty Hellhound on you before you can complete your goal. And how exactly does one interrogate a werewolf?! Christ it’s a wonder this pair made it as far as puberty given their self-absorbed nature that would make them question “why does the bear whose children I just ran down in my carriage want to harm me?” Are we meant to be rooting for these guys? The werewolf falls for the bait, but don’t hold it against him as he knows little beyond his need to maim and ravage. The siblings on the other hand have no excuses for thinking that dangling from a rope a few feet from the ground and the use of a big net would be effective means of trapping their supernatural quarry. A lot of preparation went into this operation, with big cages and devious pitfall traps, yet little thought went into the main event; Velkan was the only one among the party to bring silver bullets, as seeing as his role was hog-tied bait, wouldn’t it have been smarter to give those bullets to someone not bound at the wrists? As a result the clogged septic tank hits the industrial turbine and after an epic fail Velkan falls to his apparent death over a cliff with the werewolf wrapped around his neck. One retard down; Helsing will be lucky if he can stop the sister, Anna, asphyxiating herself in a plastic bag, let alone foiling her nemesis.

Helsing arrives in Transylvania to find the townspeople less than hospitable, almost content that they are ruled over by blood leeching batmen. Even Anna, who lets recap just lost her brother due to a genetic defect that causes the family to pick unwinnable fights against opponents more adept at strategising than themselves (and remember the latest victorious strategy that out-did them was “release the hounds“), laughs that monster smashing Helsing will be able to do any good. Prepare to swallow some humble pie with a whip cream topping of shame and a grated coating of ignorance, for Helsing manages to kill one of Dracula’s brides during a raid on the village. This fails to go down well with the villagers, who failed to tell the FUCKING SELF-PROCLAIMED MONSTER HUNTER that killing his spouse will enrage the Count and lead him to attack the people out of vengeance rather than the occasional snack. Despite the abyss now staring back at them, Anna offers Helsing bed and board for having been the first person to kill a vampire in 100 years – this she knows, yet she wasn’t learned enough to think her earlier werewolf trap would fail?

Dracula and his remaining brides are beside themselves upon discovering how they may actually be fucked.

Dracula: What did we ever do to them?

Bride #1: Killed their livestock and outsider trade?

Dracula: Well yes that’s certainly-

Bride #2: Drastically decreased the resale value for the land?

Dracula: Also true…

Bride #1: Oh, I know: killed their families and used their blood for sustenance!

Bride #2: That’d certainly do it.

Dracula: Okay, I get it; we’re not exactly popular.

After a reminder that he has both an Igor (every East European autocrat needs a sadistic hunch-back) and a slobbering Wolfman at his disposal to take care of Helsing presently, Dracula and his brides away to Frankenstein’s castle to take another stab at ‘the experiment’ using that most reliable of transports: ice. Wait, where has it ever been stated that vampires can use ice as a means of public transportation? Where has it ever been stated that anything can use ice as a means of public transportation other than polar bears? The plot’s still in its infancy and is befuddling enough without questions such as these detracting my concentration. WOW, a shinny thing!

Over at Anna’s house/museum of all weapons ever constructed, Helsing gets grilled out for wanting to act as her body guard. I’m sure he’s got nothing but professionalism on the tits-MIND! She once again mocks him for his proclamations of taking on Dracula and protecting her.

Anna: Ha, no one can help me.

Helsing: Did you not see me do a pretty damn good job of killing a vampire?

Anna: I remain firm in my belief.

Helsing: It was like 5 minutes ago!

Anna: I’m the only one who can look after myself.

Helsing: Again: killed the first vampire in a century. Plus, you’ve proved so far the only thing you can do is suck at capturing werewolves. Your plan was to interrogate it, a WEREWOLF, and despite the stupidly of the plan, you even managed to fuck it up by killing it and sending it over a cliff with your brother for company. Enough of this female equality bullshit – you are a blinker-vision feminist of the worst, most self-destructive variety and are as such a terrible role model for women in the audience!

Naw, ain’t ‘dat adorable, the girl thinks she can play with the big boys. Even now she’s refusing to acknowledge that going outside, alone in the dark to kill Dracula, who is already pissed his last beloved was recently murdered, is a bad plan. Helsing fails to drill any of the stupid out of her head so is forced to chloroform her before she decides the best plan is to smear her ass in jam and crab-walk naked into Dracula’s lair. Later that eve she awakes to find Velkan downstairs, having survived the fall and werewolf bites. Fantastic, unless I’ve got my mythologies wrong, this is a joyous occasion and a miracle. According to Monsterpedia, he’s miraculous return can be chalked down to….oh L. In the moonlight, Velkan crawls up the wall (just like a real wolf) and tears off his skin to reveal the monster beneath (again, this film is remarkably accurate with its biology) before leaping from the window as Helsing gives chase. Before you can flap your fingers and say:

-Helsing takes off in pursuit. Using the undertaker as bait/collateral damage, Helsing deprives the village of its most required practitioner yet is prevented from killing the beast by Anna. He does not take this well, grabbing her by the throat.

Helsing:  Give me one good reason not to choke you.

Hum, how about because you were sent there to protect her, you’ve just shot at her brother, and if both of them die then their family will never see St. Peter and you’ll have ballsed up another mission?

Helsing: I said one!

He justifies trying to kill her brother by playing the old ‘I have amnesia and don’t remember what it is like to have loved ones’ card, temporarily digging himself out the hole until the next inevitable social foe-par.

Part 2: It was a Graveyard Smash

They track Velkan the Wolfman to castle Frankenstein where he is being used as a conduit of sorts for Dracula’s experiment– ever cracked open a battery, because most top end ones run on werewolves; go ahead and check, all you need is a saw or hammer and a 12-pack of Duracell. So let’s get up to speed: Dracula is using dead people, and now this includes werewolves, as batteries to charge lighting with ‘anti-life’ energy that’ll allow him to give un-life to his born-dead children laying in suspended animation in egg sacks in the basement. Who the fuck thought this was a good way to celebrate the Universal monster movie classics? The plan works and the mini-Dracs wake for the first time in centuries, hungry. So in summation: these women vampires, unable to carry out a successful pregnancy, seek a monstrous surrogate, leading to the creating of a legion of rampaging, ravenous Hellspawn. Is it me or is there some hidden agenda to this film? Perhaps the original concept was intended to be an advert for anti-in vitro pregnancy that spiralled out of control, much like how Michael Bay’s army recruitment pieces became the Transformers saga/debacle. Oh, and not only are there about 1000 eggs, but each one is this big:

I don’t care if vampires look young forever, that’s going to leave sagging and numbness that even the most generously sized of cocks won’t be able to stimulate a response from. The werewolf-energised lightning (yes, you did read that correctly) works and gives un-life to the still-birth vampires…seriously, this is just madness, and we’re not even at the half way mark! Van Helsing engages the waaaaaaay out of his league Dracula in battle as the sprogs head for the village. Dracula is impervious to silver (naturally, BECAUSE HE IS NOT A WEREWOLF) and decides now to rekindle Helsing’s memory that they both go back a long way, but that is a tale for another time when the plot can handle additional complexities without the DVD player exploding.

The baby vampires, mid-way through their feeding frenzy begin to explode, as is only natural when you use werewolf lightning to give un-birth to them – any science major could tell you that, duh. Having saved one smoking peon from death, Ponder Stibbons pulls the old eye for an eye routine to get her to have sex with him, the loophole being that he is a Fryer not an official monk. Good to see the Catholics being portrayed as the bloodthirsty, gold-loving, sex extorting bastards they really are, so 10 gold stars for this film on those grounds. Dracula is very distraught at the site of his tiny offspring exploding like overripe cantaloupes. Yes, this is exactly what vampire lovers want to see (and nowadays this is the sad, sad truth, but this was filmed before Twilight fucked up the subgenre for everything, so Stephen Sommers has no excuses valid enough): Dracula going all weepy over the thought of never seeing his children learn to walk, speak and drain the blood of the pure virgins of Europe for sustenance. For a movie supposedly honouring a boyhood love of the Universal Classics, Sommers sure has no idea how to treat the source material. Why the blazes would Dracula, the worlds’ coolest, most stylish, trend setting bachelor want kids anyway? Is he not content with wealth, eternal  life immortal, a trio of beautiful wives and the option to have many others, enough land to claim emperorship of backwater Europe, and a fan base that neither Blade Trinity or Twilight could dent? What could these thousands of parasites offer him apart from competition for the now rapidly dwindling food supply as they have no impulse control to stop them draining the blood of everything in the continent?

Anna and Helsing escape as the unhappy family brood over the genocide that has befallen them.

Igor: We were so close, but I guess we can’t all be as smart as Victor Frankenstein…

Dracula: Which part of my plan to use lighting enhanced by a werewolf to bring vampires to life isn’t as smart as Wictor Frankenstein?

Igor: Fine, you’re every bit as smart as Frankenstein. Forget I mentioned it.

Dracula: Oh, if only Frankenstein’s Monster, immortal and unkillable as it was, hadn’t died in that small fire – the type that I myself as a fellow immortal cannot be harmed by.

Igor: Did you ever check it was dead…undead…re-dead? It was only a bit of fire, and technically it’s less mortal than you yourself are, master.

Dracula: NEVER! You know I have an irrational fear of charred windmills. I will however send the Welkanwolf to sniff out the troublemakers and kill them.

What are the odds that the ashen ruins of the windmill grave of Frankenstein (and surely his monster) is where Helsing and Anna take shelter for the night. Only now, after dragging Helsing to the doom keep of Dracula to save her lupine brother does Anna concede that maybe it was a foolish idea to think she could save Velkan, to which Helsing rewards her with his hat – or it could be so that from lethal swooping distance above the vampires will mistake her for him and end this nightmare all the faster. We’ll never know because the floor gives out beneath them and they tumble into the bowls of the old mill.

Back in the village, Ponder Stibbons uncovers a tapestry that uses revolutionary 3D CG technology, and this is mighty revolutionary because this is set decades before the Great War (or World War I as it was know at the time), so full motion holographic effects were a real rarity. The tapestry tells some bollocks about a man with metal armour becoming a clawed wolverine-like creature, which is startlingly similar to Huge Jackman’s primary blockbuster character and thus a clue that he will later join the X-Men…erm, by which I mean that Van Helsing must become a werewolf to defeat Dracula.

Back in the pit, Helsing and Anna encounter the deeply verbose, and befuddlingly chubby Bard that is Frankenstein’s Monster – think Kryten from Red Dwarf crossed with Frankenberry but with none of the charm. Not only is he a Shakespearian-level pronunciator with immortality, he also has electrical powers – you know, just like real dead people amalgamated by science and lightning. Recall that earlier that Monster may hold the key to stopping the vampire’s overacting, well clearly not as this guy is the hammiest mother-fucking over-actor since Sharon Stone orgasmed her way through Basic Instinct. Eventually Helsing is able to wound the bellowing Monster and they are able to have a civilised, if boomingly dramatic, chat.

Monster: If you value your lives you will kill me.

Helsing: Your face peeled away from the skull while you were attacking me with SELF-GENERATED electricity. I think you need to either throw out some options for how exactly we do that, or give us another option.

Monster: If you don’t then Dracula will find me and use me to create an army that’ll destroy all life!

Anna: But you said the moment you attacked us that you hated all humans as much as Bender Rodriguez does. What do you care if we become bat food?

Monster: I guess that was a tad hypocritical of me to say. Okay, what if we pretend I said something different so my character has a sense of consistency?

Helsing: Too late, it’s been established. What If we just left you down here – I mean, it’s been, what, a year and Dracula hasn’t found you hiding in his back garden. It’ll take America a few months to find Sadam Husain 100 years from now and he’ll be in the middle of the city with all the latest military technology devoted to tracking him down. A guy dumber than the collective Bush Administration can’t be that big a threat.

Oh but they are wrong on that count [Dracula], as Velkanwolf has discovered them and returns to his master to…tell him the…good news…Hold up, which part of this are we meant to get as the problematic part for our heroes?:

 A) Velkenwolf was sent to kill them, not scout for the Monster whom he has never been briefed about, so instantly his return home is rendered meaningless to the current perilous situation.

B) Werewolves can’t talk, as has been established by all horror movies, so unless he and Dracula have a Lassie or Skippy style telepathy then Drac’s not going to get much out of his barks and whines.

C) If he has to return to human form to speak, Velkan will regain his mental faculties and allegiances that’ll prevent him telling Dracula anything he could use to his advantage.

It is for this reason, and this sole reason, that I deem this film about werewolf-powered vampires hunting down Frankenstein’s Monster to create a brood of baby vampires before a curse can be lifted from a family sword to destroy Dracula and end a 400 year old vow to finally enter Heaven, REDICULOUS. Phew. Monster is pretty in the know about all things Dracula for a guy living in a fucking cave all his life, and warns that there are thousands more eggs at Dracula’s castle – how he knows this seeing as he met the dude once in Victor’s lab is ignored. Anna attempts to kill Monster with A BULLET TO THE HEAD – did she not see his FACE PEEL OFF AND SMELL HIS RANCID FLESH?! Helsing doesn’t tell her this is fracking pointless, instead waffling that because he isn’t actually evil, merely the creation of evil, he cannot rightfully kill it like he did the yeti and it’s army of Kill-bots (as seen in the anime prequel), and instead recommends that they hide FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER in the Vatican (as what, the new fucking Cardinal of the Damned?!). Cue over-lavish set-piece as the Scooby Gang escape on horse-drawn carriage as they flee the brides of Dracula – killing one in the process. Less inclined to die is Velkanwolf whose ultimately suicidal rampage destroys the carriage and leaves Helsing infected with the werewolf virus. Wolverine is born, and in a more plausible and clearly defined way than in X-men Origins: Wolverine.

Part 3: It was a Monster Mash

Helsing and Ponder Stibbons hide Monster in the one place no one would ever possibly consider looking for a corpse: a graveyard…in Transylvania – the Vatican form specified ‘monster bounty hunter, not a contemporary Einstein. With 48 hours until the full moon that’ll mark his first transformation, Helsing and co invade Dracula’s annual masquerade ball. Where does this guy live if his one window looks over deprived Chez slums and the other into the upper class estates of the aristocracy – Paris [sad but true]? Lack of foresight gets the better of the heroes though; so eager were they to attend the elitist party they forgot to turn off the buzzing neon sigh displaying ‘I’M UNDER HERE!’, under which they, ahem, craftily stowed Monster. Naturally Igor and his pygmies find Monster and bring him back, having lured him into a cage with promises of a leading role in an upcoming production of Taming of the Shrew by the Royal Shakespeare Company (I’ve seen men kill for lesser roles so don’t judge him based purely on his pride – blame him for his ignorance and susceptibility). At any time Helsing could swoop in and lead a daring rescue, but odds are it’d mess up his fabulous hair-doo so Monster is lead away while Helsing stands around waiting to trade off quips like some sort of out-of-touch, out-of-time James Bond.

Just like Roger Moore

Only after luring away EVERY OTHER VAMPIRE EXCEPT DRACULA do they use the UV grenade from Scene 5. Way to blow your only chance that didn’t require access to werewolves – every paragraph the synopsis sounds stupider and stupider out of context… and in context. Monster is loaded onto a row boat and paddled away at a speed faster than 3 buff protagonists can evidently swim. So Dracula has the Monster, Helsing is 24 hours from needing a serious man-sized pack of razors to deal with his Amanda Palmer arm pits, and as if pissing blood weren’t enough then get ready to pass the kidney stone of irony; Stibbons decides now is perfectly suitable timing to tell him that even if they succeed in killing Dracula, cure Helsing and escaping with their lives, the Vatican want Monster dead – understandably this puts a damper on an otherwise fine Eastern Europe vacation in Van ‘Clark Griswold’ Helsing’s books, and he goes all mentalist on Ponder’s ass. If there are any lessons to be learnt from a film that gained all its scientific knowledge during one week at bible camp for the most backward-thinking evangelicals, presumably run by the Amish, it’s this: Don’t. fuck. With. Wolverine, because it gets your legs broke and dead, doubly so when he’s also a werewolf with a chip on his shoulder.

They try looking for Monster, not very hard considering they look in the most obvious place – why would Dracula hide his most precious possession back at Frankenstein’s castle, a place his enemies are already familiar with? Did the fact the villains left by boat not tip them off he’s not 800 miles inland?! Even more shocking to Anna is that they took all of the equipment with them. McFly, hello, why would they take the key to the master plan and then not the door, lock and doormat – what, you thought he’d abandon all the machines that would enable Dracula to complete his objectives and hope that just having a boisterous zombie knocking around the nursery would do the trick in awakening his offspring? With deduction’s based on NOTHING BUT ARBRITARY RANDOM STATEMENTS so vague they put Gregory House M.D. to shame, the Scooby Gang discover that Dracula’s castle is in the arctic and that they can travel there through Anna’s bedroom mirror, where her father had built the literal doorway to Hell (and this guy thinks a curse on his forefathers is what’s preventing him entering Heaven). Now for some heavy science that will never be used in another vampire movie again, so pay attention: to Dracula, mirrors are doors and that is why he has no reflection – so clever I think my brain came…wait, it’s a stroke.

Welcome to Dracula’s castle; a place that began construction by an obsessive architect 400 years ago who then never stopped.

"I'll stop building when I feel like it!"

Ponder Stibbons: Do we have a plan? You know, since so far we’ve had our assed handed to us on every occasion and now we’re on his home turf, I’d like to believe you’ve not dragged me on a suicide run.

Helsing: We go in there and kill Dracula.

Anna: And kill any thing that gets in our way.

Ponder: Because that’s been working so well for us recently. If you want to play Wolverine go back to Brian Synger. Right now we need a forward-thinking monster slayer, not a drunken fight-happy psychopath who’s bizarrely popular with kids.

Helsing: Hey, the Pope himself ordered this mission. If the Pope was wrong that we couldn’t succeed, not only would that mean the Devil’s will is more powerful than God’s, it’d also show the Catholic Church a house of lies and fallibility.

Pope Benedict XVI: No comment.

Helsing’s newly manifested werewolf flight powers prove to be more than a match for Dracula’s home security system. They discover Monster as he is winched up to the main lab. Despite his predicament of an eternity powering Dracula’s electronic appliances, Monster imparts some joyous news:

Monster: There is a cure to the Werewolf virus.

Helsing: That’s good.

Monster: Dracula has it.

Helsing: That’s bad.

Monster: Take it and leave, you don’t have to worry about me anymore.

Helsing: That’s good.

Monster: – because soon I’ll be used to birth Dracula’s thousands of children.

Helsing:….

Monster: That’s bad.

Helsing: Can I go now?

Why would Monster tell Helsing there is a cure and he can just take it and leave? For one, Dracula himself is the only one who know what it is, so either way they’ll have to go fight him – and that’s only if they win, and then in a way that’d allow them to extract the information from him. However more crucially, Monster’s kindness overlooks that if they don’t save him then there will be thousands upon thousands of vampires loose and feeding – and seeing as to date Helsing has killed a total of two (by sheer fluke and luck, not skill), this will certainly be the death of him as well as the populous of earth, so being cured of bitchin’ wolf powers is not a comforting plus side. Even Helsing can see this is stupidity itself, and when Helsing, a man with more bottles of L’Oreal shampoo than sense notices this kind of dunderheadedness then it is a bad plan indeed. Turns out the only thing that can kill Dracula is a werewolf, thus the reason he has a cure.

*Logic break* As stated for the purposes of this film, Dracula was transformed by Satan into a parasitic beast in order to carry out the Devil’s work on earth, so why would Lucifer provide a cure to his condition in the first place? If the cure was created by God to counter Satan’s creation, why would he then create the mindless, blood thirsty werewolf to be its carrier, rather than snow bunnies or kittens – something cute, non aggressive and most important FUCKING ABUNDANT, instead of a rare and savage animal that can only come about by having survived a previous mauling, then said victim undergoing a horrendously painful transformation? Finally, Dracula was formed from supernatural mean, not organic in nature, so how can something biological provide its undoing?

Does a fun sounding plot about vampires, werewolves, and zombies need this many twist, turns, and complete lack of grounded logic? This is why only Christopher Nolan should be allowed to handle labyrinthian narratives such as this. Anna rightfully points out that DRACULA HAS BEEN SURROUNDING HIMSELF WITH WEREWOLF MINIONS THROUGHOUT THE FILM, and as werewolves are  unpredictable by their very murderous nature this is hardly an effective use of keeping ones’ enemies close, as in this specific case keeping your enemy close would land you a serious case of ripped to chunks. Some crap about having strong enough will power to overcome the need to not kill Dracula (the fuck!?) is used to gloss over a plot hole that gapes wider than a $3 hooker the day the troops come home. Clearly a plan is needed now sanity has finally packed it’s bags and moved out after a long trial separation with Van Helsing, so Ponder and Anna follow Igor to find the cure, while Helsing goes for Monster and a showdown with Dracs – he must wait until precisely midnight till he kills Dracula, then take the cure, failure to do which will either see him murdered by the king of the undead, or silver staked by his allies. Given their previous examples of executing strategies with efficient timing, my money is on the staking after he becomes a werevampire.

Monster tells Dracula he will pay for his evils in a very concise and well delivered way we’d expect of the actor who based his character on a certain android.

"Who, me?"

To this Dracula scolds him, actually scolds him that he should be grateful he is being used for the purpose his was created for – just as a toaster should be merrily compliant when electricity is passed through it until its insides are aflame for the purpose of providing its human overlords with their daily hot bread intake. Due to the frequent clashes of cold and…slightly less cold weather fronts in the arctic, there are lightning storms aplenty (Van Helsing couldn’t give two shits about hard scientific fact by this point) to adequately juice us Monster and once again spawn the mini-pires. Over in the other tower half a city block away, where Dracula likes to keep vitally important medical materials as it’ll reduce his temptation to use them like pregnancy test kits in the hands of a bored man with time to waste, Anna and Ponder find the cure but also the last and sexiest of Dracula’s wives, who he met on the set of Blade II where she stared as Female Reaver #17

The cure was being kept in a vile of acid, which is emptied into the face of the vampress, to little effect but to decrease her tolerance for bullshit. Despite Ponder now escaping with the cure which implies that her husband could be facing some lupine troubles, the bride appropriates her time into throwing down with Anna, rather than guarding the thing she was meant to, allowing Anna to finally prove she is a capable individual in a fight, rather than merely the type of woman who’d chain her brother to a post and use him as werewolf bait. Ah, well it would allow her to prove this, were it not for all the loosing that happens to her as she’s thrown around like a rag-doll in an orgy.

Helsing is too late to rescues Monster before the vampires can be born, but frees him regardless (because it’s not like he’s got a strict schedule to adhere to) moments before Dracula reverts to his true bat-esque form and throws down with him. A fight is underway, but who’d want to see a werewolf Hugh Jackman face off against a batman from Hell; Monster is swinging around the outer tower cables like Tarzan (if Tarzan were written and directed by Paul S. Anderson) and saves Ponder from Igor’s merciless yet undeniably satisfying to watch cattle-prodding by kicking the hunchback into the bottomless ravine below. Monster then flies off like Superman (if Superman was written and directed by Joel Schumacher) to rescue Anna from a beating that in no way makes women look like feeble sexed-up set pieces compared to their male counterparts, even though it totally does. Anna swings onward and retrieves the cure from Ponder, who THROWS IT AT HER AS SHE SWINGS BY ON A RANDOM FLIGHT PATH DESPITE ITS VITAL IMPORTANCE, then goes on to kill the last bride while she’s busy monologuing.

Inside Van Wolfsing transforms, whilst keeping his original hair style. Amazingly, Dracula realizes this is not in his best interests, werewolf bite and all, but allows Helsing to mutate anyway – standing there whispering “no this can’t be happening” won’t make the problem take care of itself Draco. Only now Helsing is full blown werewolf does Dracula spring into action. A fight of CG proportions ensues; it’s all very impressive but ultimately does little to justify the wastage of words that went into the screen play – there are dyslexics and people with poor vocabularies that needed those words more than Van Helsing! Unfortunately for the action the moon is covered by clouds, returning Helsing to puny human form, providing Dracula with the opportunity to completely fuck with our heads again as the plot nose-dives at 200mph into the convolution paradox: Van Helsing was the man responsible for killing the mortal Dracula centuries ago…yeah, I know, but there’s only like 15 minutes left so bear with it then we can all go back to forgetting this film existed. For a man that can recognize a face after 400 years, Dracula’s short-term memory is pathetic, as he forgets that clouds move; Helsing resumes his lupine attack and kills Dracula. Hurray, good triumphs over evil. Now let’s quickly skim through the remaining dross and return to our loved ones.

  • Mini vampires die, and yet we cheer – when I wrote a screen play where babies exploded en-mass I was discredited and chased out of Hollywood (hypocrites!)
  • Anna is crushed to death by Werewolf Helsing as she tries to cure him, yet does not become a werewolf herself
  •  Helsing is cured of a disease that’s only side effect was to make him momentarily interesting
  • Anna is burn at stake (no, not as a witch) and soul enters Heaven with ancestors
  • Monster paddles off in search of a stage worthy of his verbose acting talents and dies some years later as a penniless failed actor
  • Ponder gets laid by the Creature from the Black Lagoon, only to contract a fatal case of fin-rot
  • Van Helsing quits the Catholic Murder Squad and releases his own brand of men’s hair care products

The End

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