Oh the Pain, the Pain…

BLARP BLARP FUCKING BLARP SHIT CUNTING BUTTHOLE MATT LEBLANC! That about sets the appropriate tone. In a world where films like this can be funded, made, and populated with A-list actors (or should that be a list actor), can mankind truly expect to advance as society, particularly one dominated by capitalism and commerce? Well as the 2008-Present recession has shown, no it can’t, and wastage of cash on poor-meh CGI blockbusters hasn’t exactly helped matters.

This film is detestable for many, many reasons which will all be details in time. Once again 1997 has made the shit list, forcing my time machine/time anthropomorphic personification device to be rushed into even speedier production in the vain hopes that one day I shall be able to meet ’97 and roundhouse kick her in the January 1st to prevent her spawning 12 months of atrocious, art-killing features. I lost my innocence to this year like the Robinson family lost their planet, and with it their dignity as Matt Leblanc piloted them deeper and deeper into the abyss…

Part 1: Say ‘Hi’ to Captain Janeway

So…Earth is fucked. So fucked that it’s about to die in the next few decades. So fucked that humanity’s only chance is to colonise space. So fucked that some people would hire Borg pirates to destroy the inter-dimensional escape gate, DOOMING THEMSELVES IN THE PROCESS in a philosophical demonstration of how fucked Earth truly is – it’s that fucked. When dealing with terrorists so mind blowingly retarded they’d happily commit planetary genocide than move house, the best method is enlist the help of an equally moronic individual: Joey Tribbiani aka Don, a hotshot flying ace and wannabe Han Solo who is still inescapably Joey from Friends. After dispatching the threat he then proves how heroic he is by slamming his ship into his partners to prevent a crash that was in the process of being stopped officially by a rescue team. Isn’t it weird how ‘heroic’ is often played out as acts of macho egotism that cost the tax payer millions in military repair damage, not to mention a waste in building an emergency response unit? Hell, we can’t begrudge the military for promoting Joey to the rank of military pilot when the government of this backward planet have decided to rest the hope of humanity on one man – and to thank him for his decades of stress WORKING TO SINGLE HANDEDLY SAVE HUMANITY they’ve decided to send his ENTIRE FAMILY into uncharted space with no hope of return so they can help build the connecting hyper gate so the populous of Earth can quantum leap through once the grunt work is done. And I thought the current politicians were bad – this is a level of bastardry unheard of since the 1987 lollypop tax for under 7s’. A lifetime of “are we there yet?” and “I resent you for making me emulate your life choices” await the esteemed Dr. Robinson, going to show it’s not worth excelling in anything because there is no reward for dedication to your job. OH GOD NO, A CHILD ACTOR! Unavoidably Lost in Space features the young Will Robinson, however take heart that this was 2 years before the Phantom Menace destroyed all credibility of pre-teen actors, and this kid is totally awful for his own merits as a smart-mouthed know-it-all, not because of the post-Star Wars fallout of ‘lill orphan Ani. Like all child geniuses Will has daddy abandonment issues due to his dad being more concerned with saving the human race than the emotional stability of his kin – a trait shared by over 75% of this audience, if you replace ‘saving the human race’ with ‘drinking his hours away until the next whore arrives’. Dr. Robinson made a mistake when he ducked out of Will’s science fair to attend a press conference.

Reporter: Can’t you just use the ships’ hyper speed to get there?

Dr. Robinson: Oh you silly woman, with you’re pretty dresses and smaller brains than I and the rest of my gender. Have you not been listening to everything we’ve been saying since this project went into effect 15 years ago? If we could simply fly there don’t you think we would have instead of this costly attempt to replicate a Stargate?

Reporter: The audience at home need to know these expositions Dr. Robinson.

Dr. Robinson: Fine, as you know if we enter hyperspace without a gate then we could end up anywhere in the 98% of the galaxy left to explored.

Reporter: How do we know it’s 98% and how can you be sure the gate will work if we’ve never built one before? Also, is it true that an enormously funded terrorist cell has killed the pilot and are planning more sabotage, all for no discernable reason?

Dr. Robinson: This press release is over. SEND IN THE ROBOTANKS!

The Robinson’s youngest daughter Penny is taking news of her upcoming cryogenic suspension and life as a construction site overseer with all the poise and grace of James Cameron accepting an Oscar. She sneaks out with potentially the most futuristic thing about this movie set in a future of futuristic robots, cyborgs and space travel: a vacuum packed ladder, perfect for the teenage tearaway looking for a quick escape. With his home life falling apart around him, Dr. Robinson decides that only now that his family is to be frozen solid for a century and blasted off to the other side of the galaxy that he should consider their comforts and requests a better pilot that the current dead one. “Better than a dead guy? Hum, I think I know who can outperform a dead guy” says the colonel introducing him to Don, who refuses Dr. Robinson an autograph or to give him Lisa Kudrow’s number *friction alert*.

Don: I likez to blow shit up and fly reeeeal fast 😛

Colonel: Most excellent, and how would you feel about flying the Jupiter II?

Don: Do I get to explode things?

Dr. Robinson: It’s really more like pressing one button then going to sleep. Basically you’re demoted from a Major to a nightwatchman.

Don: Then why can’t you do it?

Dr. Robinson: This interview is over. SEND IN THE ROBOTANKS!

Colonel:…..There are no robotanks, for they are too busy destroying the freedom of the press at this moment.

Dr. Robinson: Damn, well seeing as I can’t stand up to people I guess you’re on board Don.

Don: And in exchange I’ll only sleep with one of your daughters *lies*.

And if having Joey Tribbiani stuck on a ship with your wife and 2 daughters isn’t an uncomfortable enough prospect, Don is also in the SS.

It’s not just me that can see the similarities right? Don goes away to pack enough condoms to last him the voyage (there aren’t enough suitcases in the world). And now the moment we’ve been waiting for: it’s time to catch up with Dr. Smith, played to cheesy perfection by Gary Oldman during the lowest point in his distinguished career. Poor poor Gary… He conducts a shady deal with a financier in his office holodeck, where an isolated sand dune provides the maximum privacy so long as no one enters the office or views the security footage back to see him quite clearly selling out humanity’s future. The terrorists plot to build a hyper gate and colonise Alpha prime before the Robinsons arrive – because they are men of honour and finders keepers assumedly applies to off-world colonisation. Here’s a better plan; let the Robinson’s build the gate first with government bucks then just steal it and save both time and money. Instead they’d rather rush headlong into conflict for the sport of it. And the best part is that he doesn’t even care that with the hypergate destroyed and the earth doomed there is little point in chasing wealth. Smith has yet to be paid for his efforts to derail the hyper gate programme, although would you pay someone who thinks that 2 personal fighters attacking a military fleet and the murder ONE PILOT involved with the Jupiter Mission would be enough to deter the government from leaving a dying planet? Evidently smith would, and jacks up his price for a job his heart isn’t all that into – the unflinching bastard would be happy for it all to end so his evil can be erased from history all together.

Don is still protesting that he is the best fighter pilot the fleet has and despite the self loathing that comes with admitting this, Joey is *choke, gag* right to complain because they are under siege from terrorists and this is a babysitting job. Why not use him to fight the goddamn terrorists and send an elderly woman to make sure the Robinsons go to bed on time, unless they figured a gay paedophile saboteur might get on board and threaten young Will and the family at some point, but what are the odds of that happening? You’d have more luck finding a monkey in space hahaha [countdown to eating words commenced: -19:24 and counting]. Don notices the surprisingly not-topless Heather Graham onboard who is introduced as Robinson’s eldest daughter Judy before Dr. Robinson can shield her precious virginity, unfortunately too late for Don to basically tell him that he want to bone his daughter; when you’re counting on this man placing you and your daughter into cryosleep, that’s maybe an issue you want to address now before the potential chance of a rape that Don can never be criminally charged for. Deciding this would mean confrontation, the bane of all scientists, Dr. Richards (screw it, his name is John as of now) returns home where his family has all but collapsed under the weight of his neglect. He scoffs at his son’s attempts to build a time machine. Scoffs. As if his own 10 year old theorising the possibility of time travel and making remarkable technological progress in attaining it is just the folly of youth. His wife Maureen is pissed John missed dinner, unaware that he had been checking that a) they wouldn’t die mid flight from any technical failures, and b) keeping Judy being molested by Don. He plays the guilt card.

John: Maybe it’s not worth saving a world of families if we can’t save our own.

Burn! Unable to argue that dinner was more important than, oh say PREVENTING MASS EXTINCTION, they call it a day as smith sneaks aboard the Jupiter II. As is to be expected the night before the most crucial space mission since 1969 there are no last minute tests being run, nor additional security to mind for terrorist actions, so he’s free to sabotage to his desire, programming the Robot to slaughter sleeping children…blimey that’s dark for family entertainment. Job done he is payed in good currency – or should I say ‘current’ as he is electrocuted by his financiers, passing out in the air ducts where the smell of his voided bowls will go unnoticed until it’s too late.

Date: Tomorrow. Time: Quarter-to too late. The Robinsons strap themselves in and launch into space without a hitch. Don’s distinguished military expertise being put to excellent use there with his pushing the ‘launch’ and ‘go space now’ buttons that make up the entirety of the job position. Job done with a record zero fatalities (he doesn’t even try to wound one of the Robinsons to keep things consistent) he retires to his cryosleep, glad that his years of carving a path of bloody carnage as a war veteran has landed him a job as a nanny. Robot activates and smashes the shit out of the ships cryo systems and plots a new course FOR THE SUN! Overkill much? Did Smith think that the family dying in the endless abyss of eternity wasn’t enough, he had to fly the ship into a flaming ball of gas to be sure? They aren’t the Sentry, fuck they ain’t even Parallax, and that pussy was beat down no problem by Hal ‘Asshole’ Jordan.

"See you in Hell douche-fags!"

Unfortunately for Smith and Robot, when cryogenic systems fail they release the occupants, instead of upping the freezage or suffocating them in the pods, allowing Don to prove his worth as an action hero despite being Joey Tribbiani by taking a robot that’d make an Imperial ATAT think twice. Winning against odds only conceivable to the scripts writer, Robot is defeated and John decides the best way to beat the sun’s gravitational pull is play Chicken, PILOTING THE SHIP INTO THE SUN.

John: You win again gravity!

Maureen: Or we could engage the Hyperdrive and pass through it.

Penny: Is that even possible? I’m not a scientist but that sounds pretty unpossible.

The script writer and director discuss this, turn to the cast and shrug.

Don: Then it’s decided, lets fly so fast into a gas giant that we defy physics.

Judy: But we could end up anywhere in the galaxy if we engage without a hypergate.

Will: Who said that’s what’ll happen exactly, because if the only people who’ve tried it got lost then who’s word can we take it on?

John: I’d rather we all starve to death over a course of weeks that go instantly as a loving family. ENGAGE!

Will: Am I (not Will I Am from Black Eyed Peas) the only one smart enough to remember that if just turn the ship a complete 180 after making the jump and doing it again the other way we could go home?

The ship makes the leap into hyperspace, overtaking Will’s logical point by a fortnight (Spaceballs, look it up!)

Part 2: Lost in the Space of 30 Minutes

Humanities only salvation is off to a mediocre start. Not content with being the archetype of a dysfunctional nuclear family, the Robinsons have lost their robot, lost control of their ship, and lost their bearing of where they are in uncharted space. As mission success goes, that’s down there with the decision to German decision to invade Stalingrad without heeding the warnings of Generaloberst Halder (what, I can’t be well read?). They find Smith and because he is the only one dressed entirely in black, English, and sporting a neatly trimmed beard he is blamed for everything – see, prejudice can on occasions be the right course of action. With nothing else but an eternity to dwell on how royal a fuck up this is, John decides that now of all times is perfect for bonding with his son. Psych, nah he’s still too busy trying to figure out a way to Alpha Prime than the wellbeing of his family. For a film set in the future the men sure are menly men of the 50’s variety, leaving women to do the family stuff while they act manly and macho with their science, guns and shouting at one another. If the future means a return to 1950s values then maybe it’s time to consider that the earth isn’t worth saving. Not content with a slow death in the cold void of space, Will reactivates Robot, hoping that it’ll spaz out as he is reprogramming it and either return to its’ rampage or at worst topple onto him and crush him quick. Neither happens so he uses it to scare the shit out of his dad, who is marginally impressed that his 10 YEAR OLD HAS REPROGRAMMED A GODDAMNED ROBOT in less time than it’d take to rewire a toaster. No time to celebrate though because up ahead is a derelict craft – the sort that looks like it had to be build in space because there is no way it could ever have been land based, like the nightmare that is the Star Wars medical frigate:

How does it take-off/land – has anyone ever thought about the physical impossibility of this? They go aboard in search of crew, clues of it being unmanned including no engine heat, no communications, and no life readings not tipping them off that this is a place where Death takes a vacation when he needs to get away from it all.

John: It could be dangerous. We better leave the women folk behind, lest their emotional hysteria or innate lack of intelligence place them, or worse us, at risk.

Don: Agreed, women are clearly the inferior sex in this version of the future. We’ll take the former killer Robot and the double-crossing weasel Smith with us instead.

John: And we can have Will pilot Robot by remote control so he can be a part of it too!

Don: Win 1-0 to the males! Oh, but also, I want to bring Judy for sex reasons.

John: I may not agree with your recklessness Don, but you have earned the right to sex with my daughter just for being so damn cool in my books.

Judy: Do we have any say in this?

Don/John: Silence sex object!

Leaving the women –Judy to talk about hair and periods on the Jupiter II, the stoic men board the ghost ship. Smith is reluctant, what with him being a doctor in cryogenics – a field of science suited to one thing and one thing only, and it isn’t exploring ships that reek of decay and rust. If they are worried about Smith trying anything funny, why not force him to repair the cryo pods then lock him in one? Inside the ship they discover a jungle and with it the forerunner to bad CGI comedy critters that would be forever revered in the wake of Jar Jar Binks; the appallingly animated Blarp monkey/lizard who exists solely to give Penny something to take about throughout the film aside from all the boys she’ll never fuck [again – the whore]. Blarp is the least of the crews’ worries for the moment, despite him eating all the food supplies, annoying the audience over 12, getting Penny lost on a jungle planet later into the film, and growing into a Rancor after the young ‘cute’ stage in a deleted scene:

All the useless material in this film and Blarp becoming a behemoth with a fucking mace for a tail is the one that’s cut. Typical. Other problems come from the video logs which show Don’s old flight buddy – and I mean ‘old’, as the guy has aged considerably in the last 24 hours. It turns out that they didn’t just fly through space but time too, and it’s taken them one day to make it 30 years to their present location. Now let’s discuss this from a fascinatingly boring yet logical perspective; the rescue ship, staffed with numerous bright minds and capable soldiers during a time of civil war and greenhouse apocalypses occurring at home, went in search of the Robinsons in the vast endless stretch of space instead of hiring a new crew and a back-up ship to finish the job. Are the Robinsons the only people capable of overseeing a construction project like this? Could they not just count their losses and not send the search team on the ultimate needle-in-a-hay-stack hunt? The benefit of this is that they are no more than three decades from home, so all they have to do it access the memory banks of the drive computer and trace it back to ear-wait where are you going? No don’t go somewhere that isn’t here you fucktards! Oh great, and you went and disturbed a nest of space spiders while you were ignoring my advice didn’t you. Even in the bleakness of space, spiders have found a way to pester mankind, in all manner of creepy ways: developing metal-ripping jaws, growing laser proof armour, living in zero atmosphere, space flight (y’heard me), breeding asexually through bone to skin contact, and bizarrely losing a pair of legs (Space Crabs wouldn’t have been as scary, and besides which Don was set to contract a case of those in the sequel). Guns have no effect on them, but by this point it’s too late for the crew to retrieve them and try bullets instead as the wave of not-quite-arachnids steamrolls towards them. Robot is the only thing holding them back, blasting several into smithereens.

Space Spider #1: Gasp, whew boy I am winded.

Space Spider #2: Wounded?

Space Spider #3: [VO somewhere in crowd] Who’s wounded?

Space Spider #1: Oh fuck…

Space Spider #2: This guy.

Space Spider #1: ’Winded’, I said winded.

Space Spider 4#: [VO in crowd] Wounded is our natural prey!

Space Spider #2: I agree, now we’ll eat him NOM NOM NOM.

Space Spider #1: AHHHHHHH I don’t resent you AHHHHHHHHHH I’d do the same in your position AHHHHH…..

Will and John make a mental note of that particular mental defect that encourages a species to give up on good live prey in preference to cannibalism when they smell their own blood (the fuck!?) in case it can be used as a plot device later – like if they can wound the spiders one by one, they’ll eventually eat themselves to death faster than when Pizza the Hutt locked himself in his limo. Maybe they don’t eat their wounded as a general rule; it could be that there is SHIT ALL ELSE TO EAT HERE. During the fracas Smith is scratched by a spider, which will likely have no ramifications down the line…. The crew return to the Jupiter II but the spiders fly, FLY, after them. Christ you’ve got to admire their tenacity to a task – if my old cat had that kind of drive then it would worked out how to use a tin opener and sill be with us, the lazy bastard. Maureen discovers the spiders are attracted to heat – the hotter the better. More and more this species sounds like Allah’s biggest blunder; a vast colonial species that lives in the foodless depth of space, breed through touch, and EAT EVERYTHING – including themselves whenever they get a hang-nail. How the Hell have they lasted this long? John concocts a plan to lure the pesky critters to the exhaust thrusters and burn them into extinction. Don crafts and even less subtle plan to explode the ship while they’re at it, destroying all its clues to getting them home and trapping them in the shockwave that disables the Jupiter II on a baron ice world. Nice going Joey.

Marooned and without any Red Dwarf to guide them through these difficult times, the crew turn to repairing the fragments of their bonds and thus their characters begin to develop a connective web of relations.

Judy coyly accepts the leering come-on’s by Don

\/

Don is lectured by John for blowing up their last hope of return

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John finally makes time to acknowledge Will, who is rebuilding Robot to be more human

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Will is propositioned by Smith

\/

Maureen, John and Don all state their hate for Smith

No one talks to Penny, so Penny talks to Blarp. When it comes to Smith, why does everyone hate a player? Smith took the painless option to kill the family quickly in their sleep, and aside from being a pessimist and a tad cowardly he’s done nothing untoward them – Don is a bigger risk as he’s the one with the guns, a penchant for making lude advances on the captain’s daughter, repeatedly threatening Smith with physical violence and a long career history of manslaughter. But oh no he doesn’t have a neatly trimmed beard or colonial accent so we root for him instead of the more sympathetic, empathetic and relatable Smith (who amongst you 3 loyal readers wouldn’t kill for money? LIARS!!!) If everyone had been nicer to Smith, who is clearly unwell by the swelling of the spider scar he received which I’m certain is nothing to worry about, then they might not face his inevitable retribution. In a way it’s entirely their fault for what is to befall them…

Part 3: I Wanted the Monkey-Lizard to Fight the Spider-Man

Dawning on him that there is a timer ticking down to Judy being impregnated with little Tribbianis’ and/or will being molested by the sexually dubious Dr. Smith, John decides it’s time to get the fuck out of Dodge and let the shit hit the fan in his absence, under the pretence of going for help. Don goes with him, so that’s one relief – Will’s a big boy and smart enough to do what’s best John lies to himself as he and Don trek off into the icy wastelands. Will’s Robot revival programme is making progress…well, he’s got the head and voice working, which will be of great comfort when the space spiders make an unwelcome return. Maureen is once again left tending house. She has a doctorate you know: Doctor Maureen Robinson, and yet all she’s been allowed to do is clean up after the spiders and look after the kids and ship. It’s as if the technology of the future is powered by misogyny. Don and Jerry John come across a wibbly-wobbly bubbly thing and cross it, discovering a lush jungle inside the expanding dome. Off in the distance at the epicentre a ship smoulders…

Will is approached by Smith, who begs the boy to take him to John, proclaiming only he has the knowledge to help the family escape. Will agree but only if he can have a gun – sure, give the underage kid a firearm, I’m sure he’ll be able to adequately defend himself if Smith tries any funny business. The two star-crossed lovers sneak off ship. Maureen s too busy drunkenly weeping over her decision to abandon her career for a family life, Judy is dreaming of Donny and Penny ahs a case of cabin crazy so bad she spends her time talking to a freaking space gibbon. Is this family worth saving?

Don and John are captured by a rusted and shabby Robot aboard the ship causing the environmental disturbance. Robot takes them to a shabby bearded hermit fiddling around with a colossal machine. Don is taken prisoner and John is given some cryptic clues that he and the hermit share a past. Clues along the line of –

Old Will: I’m your son.

John:…Will? What happened, you got so fa…old.

Old Will: I invented time travel 😀

John: Would you care to explain to me and the audience how you perfected time travel technology?

Old Will: Yeeee…no.

John: I guess explain how you can be in your present that’s my future but your past would be confusing in a PG movie.

Old Will: And guess what: I hate you now. You said you’d come back for us. They all died, Penny, Judy, Mom..all dead because you never came back.

John: Maybe that’s because of the paradox caused by you taking me prisoner in this time period – their future. Honestly, do you have no concept of how time stream paradoxes work? By which I mean I love you son, now let me go…

Old Will refuses, wanting his father to be there to see the final launch of his creative machinations; going back in time to the day of the Jupiter II launch and stopping it, allowing them to all escape the horrors awaiting them. There are several methods he’s toying with:

a) Blow up the ship before they board

b) Funding a terrorist cell to destroy the project, who would go on to hire the inept Smith to do the job, such is cosmic irony

c) Kill himself in the past (extreme but effective)

d) Flap his arms and scream “I’m from the future to warn you…”

John is impressed but cannot let Will hog the glory he received back during the launch for being more than a stuffy lab-coat wearing dead-beat dad. Even now, with his son STANDING OVER HIS WORKING TIME MACHIEN, he doubts that Will could do all this by himself. Cue given, Smith, horribly deformed by shoddy CGI, appears and revels himself to be Will’s surrogate father, supporting the boy in ways of the flesh John always failed at by being supportive and actually there. John is taken prisoner.

As the time distortion bubble swells closer to Jupiter II and the three broken women inside, Smith and Will continue to the foot of Old Will’s base, Smith rushing Will away before he can see the traumatising makeshift graveyard for his future dead family (genuinely chilling stuff). Smith cons Will into giving him the pistol (with promises to let him hold his pink pistol in return) and takes the dope hostage.

MEANWHILE, IN THE DELEATED SCENES: Blarp hops ship and enters the jungle beyond the bubble, Penny in hot pursuit. She finds Blarp in a cave with a monstrous older version of the yellow freak. This thing was actually made for the film with animatronics and prosthetics and looks really fucking funky, which makes it all the worse that it was abandoned in the final cut. I want to see Big Blarp take on Spider Smith! Oopse, spoiler. Yeeeah Smith is a spider now. Well almost – the scratch messed up his DNA and blah blah yadda yadda yadda who cares, point is he’s a monster now. With a metal moustache!

Smith brings Will into the father/son reunion with a twist and demands use of Old Will’s machine. Spider Smith calls him the true monster (a tad on the nose) and leaves his past self unconscious. Does ANYBODY in this film know their classic sci-fi about messing with your past incarnations!? Will John and Smith are taken away to the cell block with Don by Robot

Will: Robot, why do you have a laser-shooting, razor-taloned arm poking out your ass?

Robot: Trust me Will Robinson, a few years living alone with Dr. Smith and you’ll see how it would be useful.

Old Will confronts Spider Smith about the day his family mysteriously died of Space Spider related injuries, despite no spiders being discovered since they crashed 30 years ago. Spider Smith brushes it off – the animals are cannibals after all. Old Will shrugs this off and nearly falls into the shrapnel vortex swirling around the boundaries of the time portal.

Spider Smith: Holes a tad on the small side isn’t it?

Old Will: Not for me…hold the phone; you killed my family :O

Spider Smith: Duh. And with your time machine I’m going to travel back to earth and spread the plague of space spiders I’m impregnated with. Muhahahaha!

Old Will: Eeew gross. Plus, that’d never work – you’d arrive at a military complex and they’d shoot the crap out of you. Plus the spiders are only deadly when they’re fully grown, and it took you 30 years just to get to the pregnant stage  – that’s 30 years to reach puberty. No way this plan would work. Ever. And this coming from a guy who build a time and space machine.

Spider Oldman mulls this over, then drops Will into the deadly vortex. If you could work the machine then why wait around for the boy to do all the work – you have 4 arms; that’s double the output! In the cramped detention cell Will convinces Robot (remember: Robot here is the older, more human version Will was working on aboard the Jupiter II…I hate time travel movies) to let them go. Don returns Smith and Will to the Jupiter II while John goes to fetch his wayward son and stop the time machine which is causing the planet to collapse. Spider Smith reveals his true form to John; imagine a bunch of polygons cluster fucking a moustache in a vat of silver paint and your close. Add two legs and arms that split into a new pair at the knees and elbows, lop in something resembling Gary Oldman’s face atop a snaking neck, then top it off with a pot-belly and bingo. They tussle; John, being hopeless to begin with, is beyond hopelessly out of his league against this titan until he remembers something from earlier and gouges Spider Smith’s egg sack and face.

Spider Smith: Oh the pain. The Pain [worth it to hear that :D]

John: Sneer all you want Smith, but you forget the plot devices of 30 years ago – these things eat their wounded.

Spider Smith: All you did was cut my face. Oh no, hundreds of soft baby spiders are crawling over me and eating my face. I could brush them away but then they’d appear weak and that’d make my master plan to conquer the Earth with them seem retarded.

Monologues don’t become you, and thus John is given his opening to ram his foe into the vortex, ripping him apart as spiders feast on his brain. He wasn’t even that bad of a guy, and compared to Leon’s corrupt Stansfield he’s nothing more than a mouthy pessimist. Fuck, he only went insane after he was FORCED by John onboard the derelict ship where he became infected with an alien virus, then over several decades turned to murder because of the metamorphosis and isolation. You made him a monster John: you. He rescues Older Will who is tangled up in chains above the vortex and together they watch the Jupiter II, Don, will and Smith back on board, take off as the plant collapses beneath them, unfortunately only to be struck with debris and destroyed (this film could teach Spawn a thing or two about suffering and misery). Older Will, still there despite having just died in a parallel past :s, recodes the time machine to take John back a to the moment Don and co arrive on the Jupiter II and sends John to be with his family as the station collapses. Now this is meant to be seen as an act of love from son to a father he’s finally acknowledged his love for despite his former resentments, sending him to save his family and having finally realised how much he cherishes his son, and back in my youth that is how I saw it. Now in my seasoned years, this is perhaps the most horribly evil act committed by a son since Cletus ‘Carnage’ Kasady murdered his parents for simply being alive. Consider this: Older Will’s plan was to go back and save his family from ever being lost in space (hey, I get it now!) and the torments they are set to face because of it. However, instead he sends his dad back to a point where there is little chance of survival, and allowing himself to die in the explosion that destroys his time machine – essentially there is no going back for anyone here, yet Older Will decides he’d rather die knowing his dad cannot escape a cruel fate than change the past. THAT’S FUCKED UP! I actually have a new appreciation for this movie – you know what, ignore this. All of it. Go about your day.

The End

Sod, that’d be unprofessional. John arrives aboard the ship tells Maureen to bake a cake or something womanly while he fixes this mess. If going up will cause them to crash, then obviously going down through the collapsing planet core will be their salvation. Wait, what? Before Don can steer them slightly left and avoid the crash that killed them last time, John forces him down into Hell itself as lava waterfalls shower down and meteorites hurtle at them. Honestly John, one swerve to the left would have done it if you’d let Don drive. Somehow they escape but are trapped in the pull of a black hole. With no other escape, they engage the hyperdrive and blast off for adventures unknown, clearly having learnt NOTHING at all from the shit that gets them into. To see these future shenanigans, you’ll have to watch the television series made in the 1960s but set after the film of the 1990s…FUCKING HATE TIME TRAVEL FILMS!!!

The End

*This review and its trumped-up claims of sexual inequality is in honour of IMDB reviewer hthbrr2’s Green Lantern review, by far the most unintentionally hilarious and overblown insightful review I have ever had the pleasure of reading – I only wish I could be a fraction as funny as she. For more details of outlandish claims of sexual inequality, feel free to show your penis to a local short-haired lesbian, or female university lecturer in media.

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