To Boldly Go Where No One has Gone Since 1966-69

For many the announcement of a new ‘origins’ film that went back and updated the original crew on their early adventures was a blessed celebration of everything they love about the franchise, while others thought it a blighting – a sacrilege of their childhood memories…

I don’t like the original Star Trek. It’s considered slander to say as such, and many would have me retract my status as a virgin for proclaiming it, but what can I say; Next Generation is where my devotion lies. Now don’t get me wrong; the characters and ideology, innovations and being almost singlehandedly responsible for all sci-fi ideas and technological developments since the late 1960s are all fantastic – that’s not my problem. My problem is the fucking Trekies, who bluntly refuse to admit that it’s far from perfection, if not the divine manifestation of the Madonna herself; never mind that I find it cheesy, misogynist, poorly acted and more fun to dwell on than watch, these tunnel vision wankers have been a bane to sci-fi and the general populous for decades, so if they hate this film then I say ‘good’, let ‘em watch the same 72 episodes till the end of time and let us non-fans be. Blesses with a non-bias viewpoint, I can fairly state that this is as good as a Star Trek re-boot could­ be. However, it’s still plagued with problems – predominantly that viewing can cause severe motion sickness, seizures, migraines and epileptic fits, as is to be expected from anything from J. J. Abrams. So let’s take a trip into the final frontier with sickbags at the ready.

Part 1: Days of Futures Past and Chronological Confusion

While doing some routine Federation stuff at a strange electircal storm in deep space, the U.S.S Sacrifice comes under attack from a Romulan dreadnaught, bowl-voidingly reminiscent of the Reavers from Mass Effect. The Romulan captain, Nero, demands an audience with the captain, who willingly agrees, leaving Thor in charge. On board the Romulan mining wessle the captain demands to know the whereabouts of Ambassador Spock

Nero: Where is the Vulcan Ambassador known as Spock?

Star Fleet Captain: I have no idea who that is.

Nero: Everybody knew who Spock is. My Amish girlfriend from highschool even knows who Spock was.

Star Fleet Captain: It seems you are getting your past and present tenses mixed up there.

Nero: Speaking of which, what Star Date [for this is space after all] is this?

Star Fleet Captain: Why, it’s 100 years ago.

Nero: So we fell through a black hole, that took us seconds to travel through, yet somehow we ended up in the past, but have to wait until your future in order to get to our present – which by then will be our past…?

 Confused as to how he could fall through into a parallel dimension that is apparently 90 years behind the one he came from, Nero kills the Star Fleet captain in a brutal fit of chronological confusion vocalised as ‘AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!’ and manifested as stabbing. The ship designed by those that give Satan nightmares opens ridiculously overcompensating fire on the Federation ship. Without his mighty hammer Mjölnir Thor is powerless to stop the onslaught and orders a full evacuation – first up, his bowls. The crew flee in heroically stoic cowardice as Thor goes down with the ship, piloting it into the enemy juggernaut and causing immense damage of 0.0007% to bike and sledge storage bay 7. During the preceding fire fight Thor’s dangerously pregnant wife is taken aboard an escape pod, where she gives birth to their mortal son Kirk.

Ten years pass, during which time Kirk has grown to become a punk who flaunts his disregard to authority the way your mum flaunts her goods on the day the troops come home. Across the galaxy, a young half-human Vulcan called Spock is being heckled by his classmates for having emotions (if they are doing this to elicit a response, then doesn’t that count as them expressing emotion?). To prove how non-emotional he is, Spockling beats ten bells of living crap out of the bully – later to be lectured by his father, who is technically a practitioner of bestiality for marrying a human, in the same way I am a practitioner of necrophilia for marrying my wife (zing). Seven years later-er, Kirk has grown into a fine young sex-pest. At a red-neck Star Fleet bar he meets teenage Uhura – one you wouldn’t mind doing the fan dance before she hit menopause in Star Trek V.

Kirk: Ooooo, the only black chick in the Galaxy who isn’t Klingon. Boner at the ready, and requesting permission to cum on broad lolz.

Uhura: If I appear to be flirtations, forgive me; I only date men with mother complexes, not daddy issues.

His unrelenting attempts to drug her drink doesn’t go unnoticed by some of the more sociopathic recruits and the bar is soon plastered in blood, ending only when Captain Pike arrives to drag his ass out the fire. He remembers Thor’s daring (read: kamikaze) sacrifice and believes Kirk can do even more than his dad if he joins the fleet. Spock too is being given the pity treatment by the Vulcan high council, who pompously describe him as disabled for his human heritage – Spock renounces his admission to the Vulcan Ivy League of academies and joins Star Fleet to spite them. Kirk takes the challenge and joins the Fleet, where he meets Doc Bones, who earned a medical degree despite his claims that BLOOD BOILD IN THE VACCUM OF SPACE – no wonder “he’s dead Jim” is his most iconic catchphrase; I’d rather let someone with a better understanding of biology treat me.

Some more years later-er-er, the Romulans have finally finished repairing the minimal damage to their ship and are eagerly awaiting the arrival of Ambassador Spock as he emerges from the same wormhole they came through two decades earlier – they have cakes and hats, the whole shebang. Kirk is finishing up, not just in his academic training but also inside some hot sorority girl. She happens to be the room mate of Uhura who is currently tracking some strange communications from a Klingon fleet that recently disapeared, what with her being an expert in both linguistics and prying into business that isn’t her own. The following day Kirk cheats his way through Spock’s unbeatable test, resulting in his official reprimand and the beginning of a grudge match between his and Spock’s egos. Next day the new recruits are designated their ships of servitude, however for being smart enough to outwit the greatest computer simulator test ever designed, Kirk is forbidden to leave and prove his talents on a more practical scale.

Captain Pike: Sorry son, but you’re ability to think clearly under pressure and form winning strategy just isn’t what we’re looking for.

Bones sneaks Kirk aboard by infecting him with some space-pox thing – it’s more true to character than lying to get his friend aboard. On the bridge we see the newly build U.S.S. Enterprise, pride of the Fleet and most advanced piece of tech in the Federation, is staffed by out of their depth teenagers, including a pilot who can’t drive (Sulu) and a navigation ensign who can’t even speak English fluently (Chekov). What could possibly go wrong?

Sulu: Oh my, I appear to be having difficulties piloting this ship – maybe it’s the constant lens flare in my eyes or the shaky-cam making it hard not to succumb to motion sickness.

Chekov: I too zeem to me hhhhheving pwoblems vith zis awangment. Vhy could zay not get somevne vith acktual Engwish skillz to do ziz job?

Pike: Listen you beat-nicks, we may seem to be a utopian society which functions under a banner of glorious multi-cultural socialism, but at the end of the day it’s the white man that dominates the subtly fascist galaxy of Star Trek. Ever wondered why all the alien species talk in broad American accents, and why minority races are scattered around the bridge of the Enterprise but nowhere else? Now learn to work by our supremist standards or so help me I’ll go all Star Trek: Nemesis on your ass!

The Enterprise receives a distress call from Vulcan. Kirk is still reeling from the effects of whatever disease Bones injected him with, when over the loudspeaker he hears that they are approaching an electrical storm. He links the dots and heads for Uhura, who recounted an electrical storm was present when the Klingon fleet went missing the other day. The trio enter the bridge to warn of the trap awaiting them – this is the same storm that was present the day Kirk’s father was killed, because having just been squeezed from your mother’s birth channel that’s the kind of thing you’d remember.

Kirk: Listen up dick weeds. As the only person with a functioning brain and balls this awesome, listen to me, the guy presently being reprimanded for lying to and deceiving Federation officials, when I declare I should be making executive decisions. You’re heading into a trap, and even my all-round brilliance can’t protect you all – especially the fat chicks aboard.

Spock: Pish and tiffle. Captain, If I may brown-nose deeper, this vagabond is a stow away who was forbade from flight until after his council hearing.

Pike: The ass-licker has a point Kirk. I may have written the book on what happened the day of your dads’ death but I see no relative connection between the DEBRIS!!!

The Enterprise emerges from warp speed into a ship graveyard, like young Simba before him. Nero’s dreadnaught looms ahead, dangling it’s mining laser that is twice the size of the already pretty fucking big ship over Vulcan, where it spews its’ hot red loving onto the planet beneath (maybe I’m trying to hard to find a rape connection here). Pike hails Nero, who is happy to see Spock Jr. has made it to the big day: the day his planet dies for something he wasn’t responsible for in another dimension 20 years ago, yet 90 years into his future…I hate time paradoxes almost as much as I do FUCKING LENS FLARES. Pike agrees to come aboard in exchange for Nero abandoning his genocidal ploy – it’s this kind of hippy liberal thinking that allowed a certain Austrian dictator to get away with so much chaos in Europe in the 1930s, in a side note in history we call ‘Vietnam’. Spock is made acting captain and Kirk is promoted to first officer for his daring inability to follow military procedure or take orders from anyone but himself – why not just give him a medal for being a loose cannon while you’re at it Pike? Well Pike is as fucked as fucked can get – and here, as fucked as fucked can get involves the brain slugs from Wrath of Kahn -, so it’s up to a bunch of teenagers to save the day like this was an anime or some shit. They need to get on board and save Pike, but how? Of course, via the drill , if they can land on it they can crawl the 2 miles of connector chain to the epicentre and be heroes. Honestly, how hard could it be to find one man in this ship?

Now where have I seen this before?…

Kirk: Who here want to go on a suicide run? I’ll take anyone with combat training.

Sulu: I’ll go sir.

Kirk: You’re the sole pilot aboard this ship, correct?

Sulu: ‘Yessir!

Kirk: Excellent, welcome to the Blue Team. Now we just need one more – how about you, in the red shirt…

The plan is worthy of Churchill: Kirk, Sulu and Red Shirt will parachute from a shuttle onto the base to the laser drill and detach it, then go in search of Pike. There is however one slight drawback: they are not Wolverine. True to form, Red Shirt dies horrifically in the laser when he fails to open his parachute in time, satisfied in the knowledge that his lemming insurance scheme will see his widow is taken care of. Guards appear and Sulu swashbuckles while Kirk ass-whoops, until that is Nero’s plan is complete and the drill begins to retract, throwing Sulu off and forcing Kirk to jump after him so Chekov can teleport TWO MOVING TARGETS INSTEAD OF JUST THE ONE (the fuck!?).

Vulcan collapses in on itself as Nero launches the black hole creating red matter from Spock Senior’s wessle into the freshly opened bore-hole into the planet core. Wow, they’re actually kind of ripping from Rise of the Silver Surfer with this idea. Because the Vulcan high council are too logical to notice a planet caving in beneath their feet, Spock valiantly goes in search of his parents at the high temple – the one built for such emergencies rather than say, oh A SPACE PORT! Spock saves his father but dooms himself to a life-long Oedipus complex as his mother slips from his hands and down a cliff where ground used to be just as the teleporter locks onto her previous position. Nero scarpers as Vulcan becomes a quantum singularity.

Part 2: Even the Appeal to Probability Cannot Stand in Kirk’s Way.

Uhura tries to make Spock forget that he just witnessed his cherished mother die right in front of his eyes by making out with him in the only elevator on the entire ship – anyone ever noticed this -, but funnily this fails to help. Making matters worse as now he is aroused AND thinking about his mother.

Nice work Uhura. Kirk tries to take command of the ship but Spock is having a bad enough day as it is.

Kirk: Sooooo…you’ve been having a rough time lately. Maybe you should lie down, take some time to yourself, givemecontolloftheEnterprise, see a movie, just chill bortha’.

Spock: You’re really that desperate to be in a position of authority you’d emotionally manipulate an acting captain in mourning, using the deaths of countless billions as leverage?

Kirk: I’d say it’s a pretty hardcore show of my dedication to the role.

Spock: I’d say fire him out the air lock and onto the nearest ice world.

Spock has Kirk fired out of the air lock onto the nearest ice world, where he much fight Space Polar Bears and Space Ice Dragons until eventually he comes across Spock Sr., left by Nero on this frozen wasteland to have a front row seat to the destruction of his home world; a burn move if ever there was one. For details on why the appeal to probability would prevent an encounter this coincidental from ever happening, see cracked.com. Spock Sr. mind melds [rapes] Kirk, spunking knowledge into his brain like a randy freshman in order to clear up the audiences’ desperate struggle to keep up with the time-hoppy plot: a century from now, Romulus will perish in a blast wave. Spock Sr. was charged with using the red matter to create a black hole to absorb the blast wave but was too late to save Romulan – to contain the blast he had to launch the red matter too close to the planet, resulting in it being sucked into the black hole. As success rates go, saving a planet from natural destruction by destroying it yourself first technically counts as a win. Nero failed to see it that way, and after returning from a long stint of mining to see his wife crushed into a singularity, his disposition was forgivably not good. Spock and Nero’s ships were pulled into the epicentre of the tear in space/time caused by the red matter, but instead of being atomised somehow fell through a worm hole in time. Nero went in first and arrived 20 years ago, destroying Thor and messing up the timeline, creating this parallel dimension. Spock finally arrived and then the real revenge could begin. We all clear as mud on this now. Good, now let me go lie down for a minute…

As Spock Jr. continues a passive aggressive course of non-aggression aboard the Enterprise, Kirk and Spock Sr. go in search of the nearest Federation outpost. Here we meet young and, more gapingly, lean Scotty Mc Scotterson, who was also dumper on this rock for referencing Enterprise as cannon. He’s a techno wiz-kid who rigs up a teleported link to the Enterprise as it travels through hyperspace hundreds of thousands of miles away, proving that the speed of time is not intrinsically linked to length of distance, that squares are round, and black is made of hats for all the sense this makes.

Kirk: Are you coming with us you old coot?

Spock Sr.: No; if I meet my past self from an alternate reality before the convenient end point of the film, he will never grow into the man he would have become, were it not for me making him become the man he isn’t.

Scotty: Aye can understand physics so complex it’d make your head explode, and aye canni understand a single bloody word yer sayin’.

Spock: Despite what you think, B-comic relief character, I must stay so Spock Jr. can grow to become the man he needs to be.

Kirk: You mean the type of man who turns up late and allows a planet to die in a black hole he created, thus leading to the destruction of Vulcan and the loss of your own mother?

Spock: Christ, no wonder I left you to rot on this God-forsaken hunk of ice. Regardless, you have, and always will be, my friend.

Kirk: What, are you some kind of homo-queer-sexual?! Later fag.

Back Aboard the Enterprise, Kirk and Scotty materialise despite the trillion-to-one odds that they’d end up like one of Professor Brundle’s baboons from The Fly.

Kirk realises that now is his chance to pull a fast Shatner (as it’s known in the trade) and plans to use Spock’s emotional instability and grief to assume command by taunting him about his freshly dead mother….Fuck beans that’s the protagonist we’re meant to be cheering for!

Kirk: You are emotionally unstable and unfit to command. I should be acting captain.

Spock: You are not fit to lead. No more than 15 minutes ago one third of your team died and Sulu’s rescue was made all the harder by you jumping on him.

Kirk: I’m not fit to bone your momma. Oh wait, I already did.

Spock: Trying to engage an emotional response will not work.

Kirk:…Gugh….the why…are you…guk…choking me?…

Spock: Uh nuuuuuu I have been emotionally compromised!

Kirk: And as Pike made me first officer I am now in command. High Fives all round Bitches!

Everyone would rather placate to this young Zapp Brannigans’ ego then bother arguing with him, so they agree to follow him into the jaws of Hell in order to rescue Pike. Kirk promises them all man points and finger blasters (respective of gender) for their cooperation, and sets course for Earth where Nero waits.

Part 3: Victory Yodel at the Ready.

Nero plans to eradicate the earth, home to the Federation that let him down

Kirk: ‘Braw, get over yourself – I banged your wife and she wasn’t all that.

Spock: OhdearGod… Nero, listen to reason. This is a new timeline – you can still go see your wife, and I’m sure you could look past the age difference of 80 years caused by you falling back in time.

Nero: Don’t tell me it didn’t happen, I saw it happen! I spent 20 years dreaming of my revenge while we waited for Spock Sr. and I’ll be damned if I’ll give up now.

Kirk: Yo, bell-end head, if you destroy the Federation then the shock wave will still destroy Romulan in the future anyway.

Spock: Ah, well thanks a bunch Kirk for making him realise that it doesn’t matter if Star Fleet exists or not.

Kirk: Anytime Elf.

Nero deploys the laser and begins boring into the planet, right next to Star Fleet Academy. As no other ship is deployed to combat the threat, Star Fleet Command must think Nero is justified in his vengeance enough to let him have it without a fight. Either that or the entire Star Fleet budget for that quarter was wasted on hand-held cameras and digitally inserting lens flares. Kirk and Spock agree to settle their differences and form a plan to rescue the now surely dead Pike whilst simultaneously saving the earth. They beam aboard the enemy hulk; Kirk heads for Pike, Spock Jr. for the red matter wessle. Kirk kicks ass and takes no names as he kill and shags his way through the Romulan hoards, eventually finding a very much alive Pike and dragging him to the final confrontation with Nero. Spock steals back the red matter and flies from Nero’s ship. Earth still stands there doing nothing, gazing at the beam of pure energy slowly pile-driving a hole through their au natural flooring.

Spock challenges Nero to a game of chicken, charging at the ship as Nero deploys all missiles to intercept him. In the nick of time the Enterprise turns up and destroys all the missiles, clearing the flight path. The ships collide just as Scotty activates the teleporter for all three crewmen. Despite the slap-dash approach, Pike, Kirk and Spock don’t fuse into one being – I’ve been watching too many David Cronenberg films lately, so here’s a picture from Galaxy Quest to compensate for another picture from The Fly:

Okay, I couldn’t find the pic I wanted, but technically this is from The Fly: The Opera so I’m allowing it. The red matter black holes itself right in the middle of Nero’s dreadnaught, which according to the science of Star Trek is the best place to be in a black hole as it means you get sucked in slower than things further way – we could all learn so much about the workings of the universe and physics from this film.

Spock: Captain Nero, your ship is compromised. We are willing to teleport you and your crew aboard if you’ll willingly surrender.

Kirk: Yeah, you’re fucked harder than my date on prom night right now. I’d listen to the elf.

Nero: I’d rather die here than bare a stint in the company of a mother’s boy and a man-child for whom the word ‘douche’ was invented.

Kirk: Boss!

They open fire on this tragic Romeo of the stars and send his ship’s flaming remains into the abyss of the black hole. He better be dead, because there is no guarantee that he won’t just materialise in another time stream in the near past and start all over again but with added wrath. For killing a man whose only crime was passion (and kidnapping, torture, genocide, threatening Star Fleet, property damage and creating a new time stream that diverted the natural course history), Kirk is promoted to acting captain of the Enterprise and Spock is offered to suck it as his bitch. Spock Jr. runs into Spock Sr., although this does not result in the space/time continuum fracturing as thought – the important thing is that Kirk and Spock are now friends…sort of.

Spock Jr.: You know he’s going to sleep with my girlfriend the moment he sees an opportunity.

Spock Sr.: Oh, I think I know Jim a little better than you do.

Kirk: [Off screen] Dude, I just nailed that black chick. High fives!

Spock Jr.: KIIIIIIIIRK!!!

The End

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