Phantom Child-Molester Vs. Zombie Christian Fundamentalist

No, I can’t do it. Much as I love ragging on terrible films, I cannot subject myself to Alien Vs. Predator again. So instead I’ll go with the back-up option that requires only two words in the title requiring changing (it’s a good work system): Freddy Vs Jason, a contemporary monster movie mash-up, the likes of which not done since the glory B-movie days of Godzilla Vs X, or Frankenstein Vs Wolfman, or American Beauty Vs SeVen. A little back story for those not versed in their 80s horror iconography; throughout the later decades of the 20th century there existed two franchises of equally reputable (and not because of the highbrow films they existed in – I CANNOT state this clearly enough) horror icons. One was a mindless mute mongoloid with a penchant for stabbing up those practicing intoxication, sex or other unwholesome vices (such people, that is ‘teenagers’, were drawn to the site of previous the murders at the picky zombies’ home turf of Camp Crystal Lake, as if daring the universe to see them suffer a similar such fate as their fallen predecessors), after he was drowned as a child, leading to his overbearing mother killing the camp councillors who’s drinking/sex prevented them acting accordingly, leading to her murder which then causes the zombiefied Jason rising to avenge her by slaughtering all those who set foot in the camp grounds. Phew. Now on the other side of the scale we have a scissor-fingered sardonic sadist with a mouth running twice the speed of Reynolds (a measurement of both time and c*** size), who may or may not be a paedophile who was burned alive by angry townspeople, only to be saved by dream demons and making good on his promise to kill the children of those responsible for his death as they sleep. With his unholy ability to invade the nightmares of his victims and kill them using their own imaginations against them, Groundskeeper Willie cut a sway of carnage across an entire state – eventually leaving it devoid of all its children and the remaining residents’ batshit bonkers. Eventually they found a way to be rid of him forever and returned him to Hell for good. Likewise, Jason was finally stopped by a missile attack after racking up a bigger body count than the War on Nouns (formerly ‘Terrorism’ until it escalated after the return of the Republicans in 2012), during which fanboy cocks were teased when Freddy’s clawed glove rose from the earth to drag Jason’s scorched mask down into the underworld. Ten years later (or nearly one Duke Nukem Forever – a measurement of ‘taking the piss’) we finally got the grudge match we had waited so long for:

Round 1: The ‘Who Has the Coolest Flashback’ Contest

Once upon a time, as the narration tells us, there was a man whose ripe bacon stench and habit of killing teenagers in their dreams was the stuff of legend. This man was Freddy Krueger, pictured here, to the left of the man I left my kids with to write this retrospective;

Terrifying….So Freddy is harking back on the good old days, ah and happy times they were. However, the parents of Springwood have found a way to stop their kids having nightmares (no, it’s not whale-song or gaffer tape to the eyes while forcing them to watch the Care Bears), thus keeping him trapped in Hell – justifiable for a man we’ve just seen kidnap a little blonde girl (America’s most treasured asset, to be used as currency when the Social Democratic Party make their eventual comeback) for torture and/or sexy times, and whose ‘best-of…’ reel contains a human marionette puppet made of his own circulatory system, O.Ding a recovering junkie with syringe fingers of heroine, and forcing a bulimic to eat till she explodes – all might dickish moves that certainly would earn a few disapproving clucks from the Almighty. However this is the job he signed up for at the cost of his own soul, so understandably Freddy is a trifle miffed at this prospect of eternal damnation and sets things in motion to plan his 2003 comeback tour with a plan that couldn’t possibly go wrong; scouring the afterlife he discovers Jason and fakes being his momma, telling the mothers’ boy that the teenagers of Springwood are fornicating and doing drugs – defiling her memory. The pussy-whipped bitch returns to life and strolls off to meet with destiny, and as the body count rises so will the terror that’ll allow Freddy to return to the realm of dreams once again. I couldn’t find an image of this, so here’s Jason winning the world series;

A simple concept not overburdened with the usual Nightmare on Elm Street crap of being reborn in the flesh through proxy hosts or any shit about being the son of 1000 maniacs – for those a little rusty on both the film series and basic biology; if you are the rape-baby of a 1000 man orgy, that does not make you the son of 1000 maniacs, merely the easiest birth in the history of pregnancy (seriously, he could have slid from his mother like she were a water flume after that).

Cut away to our hapless victims, and what a selection we have; a former R&B sensation (aka Kia the sassy black best friend), a former werewolf (aka Gibb, the one who makes all the wrong life choices/most likely to die first with the least development)], and someone I’m told was once in a teen drama (aka Lori the virgin heroine who is remarkably dull). With their personalities – that is traits – ticked off, all’s left to know is Lori has a boyfriend committed to the LOCAL INSANE ASYLUM FOR INSANE TEENAGERS (the fuck!?) for believing Lori’s father to have murdered his wife – in reality he just did it to get some after a certain Virgin failed to put out for, only for him to get trapped when the staff failed to see he was faking to get sympathy sex. I myself have experienced similar situations through a variety of social service institutions. Lori is still pinning over her bonkers beloved, so Ginger Fitzgerald has invited her douche of a boyfriend over to the house, along with his grinning fool of a friend whom Sassy Black tries to FORCE on her BEST FRIEND.

Kia: You haven’t been laid in ever. Sleep with this dude.

Lori: But I’m so in love with my insane childhood crush the mere thought of another greasy teen blowing his load in my face makes me feel….I don’t know, disgusted.

Kia: But the only thing preventing me from getting the unnecessary nose job I feel will make me, KELLY ROWLAND (!?!), beautiful is the thought of all the baby weight you’ll put on. You are the worst kind of person!

No, actually that’d be Gibb’s boyfriend, who has finished belittling her and has forced her upstairs for sex in a stranger’s parents’ bed. He makes a big deal of her touching him after sex, like his whole body is covered in bell-end nerve clusters and forces her to go shower – sorry fans of Katharine Isabelle, she’s using a soapy stand in 😦 Sure we don’t get to see her nude-ked, however would you settle for the twat of a boyfriend being spinally penetrated with a machete then folded into the filler of a bed sandwich? Thought so. American’s sure like their showers loud as Gibb and the rest of the house are oblivious to the stomp of an 8’7” zombie in workman boots and a trudge like the death throes of the Titanic entering the house, ascending the considerable length of WOODEN stairs onto the WOODEN landing and WOODEN floored bedroom, impale a blade in said floor, fold a bed and its occupant in half in one move, then scarper before the girl in the next room can tell something is amiss. That is fucking ninja! Discovering the human pretzel/ failed Russian gymnast that is now her boyfriend, the remaining future corpses run outside into the street into the waiting arms of a police man – or a child who has stolen his father’s uniform. Officer Kids’ Meal calls it in and soon the real law are there to sort out the mess. One officer thinks it’s the work of a certain Mr Christmas Sweater, but he is quickly silenced before he can say anything else incriminating in front of the Scooby Gang.

Inept Officer: This is a pretty fracked up situation Chief. It’s gotta be Freddy Krueger: FREDDY KRUEGER – you know, that guy we never talk about in case he returns for more murder and carnage?

Sheriff: Shut up! Just shut the Hell up. We swore never to speak about him again – just as we are now. Even speaking about not speaking about him is speaking about him.

Inept Officer: Shit, recon those teenagers we’re standing within audible hearing distance of over heard any of our noticeably loud argument?

Sheriff: Nah, but let’s bring them in for questioning anyway and see if we can draw any old memories they have of that nightmare demon up – that way we can prevent them remembering.

Inept Officer: Sounds retarded enough to work. 

Down at the station (the law kind, not the sort with trains) Officer Baby Face is questioned by Virgin, but he knows just as little as she does. He goes off to research the truth purposefully kept from him to avoid the spread of nightmares, ultimately proving that curiosity does indeed kill the cat – as do assholes with guns.

Copyright: my photo album. Lori is left alone with her thoughts; ‘Who could have killed that complete bastard? – who do we send the curtsy basket to?’ If only she could remember the name of the man the inept office shouted across at her earlier, in full. Oh wait she totally can (In an ideal world that cop would be reprimanded for restarting a child-focused genocide). Having remembered Freddy’s name – not his history, physical appearance or anything else about him APART FROM HIS NAME -, she promptly falls into a thought-induced sleep, as teenagers under high stress for having been within feet of a feared murderer are well reported as doing. In her dream (oh ***SPOILER ALERT*** this is a dream sequence. Sorry) she sees little blonde girls with no eyes (my personal dating preference) who warn her that she’s about to experience exposition – that Freddy Krueger is his name and skull fucking teens from the inside out is his game. Weird imagery, surrealness, a house that’s Lori’s but also the former house of Krueger – seriously, bad enough when realters sell murder houses, but who in their morally sound mind could sell the house of a child killer turned subconscious phantasm? That’s pretty damn low – bet the commission was enough to retire on. After reliving her mums murder at the hands of her father she awakes with many a question, chief among which isn’t “why am I still living with the man I believe killed my mother until he started heavily medicating me?” She and Kia are allowed to leave, unconcerned as the police are that she was HAVING SCREAM INDUCING NIGHT TERRORS AFTER THEY BROUGHT HER IN TO MAKE SURE SHE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THE NIGHTMARE CAUSING DEMON! Clearly there was nothing suspect about her behaviour at all.

Across town, the Grinning Fool of a friend is taking the recent demise of his jerk friend pretty hard, despite the guy being a total tool. He argues with his dad, as trailer trash do and ***SPOILER ALERT*** falls into a drunken snooze. He hears bushes rustle and sees the trademark goat (you read right) before Freddy appears and botchs an attempt to kill him using shadows, you know, rather than stabbing him repeatedly with his proven-trusty knife fingers. The guy runs back to ‘awake’ while Freddy breaks the forth wall and tells the audience that he isn’t strong enough yet BECAUSE PEOPLE AREN’T AFRAID OF BEING KILLED BY SHADOW MEN ENOUGH, so for now it’s up to Jason to continue spreading the word. Back in the real world the guy awakes to find Jason has developed a sense of humour and theatrics: placing his decapitated father next to him on the porch bench and going to the trouble of not only replacing the head on the stump, but to go the extra mile and conceal the wound with spirit glue and flesh-tone paint just for the priceless look on the kids face when the head seems to fall off as if by magic. Lols over, Jason kills the guy, who kinda deserves it for using his fathers’ disembodied head as a shield.  

Over at the mental asylum (every film should have at least one paragraph beginning with this) the Beloved Boyfriend Will can tell that something is up after his girlfriends house makes the news – the murder related section. He knows full well that Freddy is real (having killed his best friend’s brother) and once resided at Virgin’s house waaaaaay back. As he also believes Lori’s dad killed her mother, it’s not going to be a fun time meeting with the in-laws at the best of times, even when a dream stalker is on the prowl. Good thing he was committed with his best friend Mark, who helps him escape, though I wish his friend was Harvey the Rabbit as it would make an epic three-way battle come the final part. Mark helps Will escape (I’m sure it had everything to do with helping a friend reunite with his wet girlfriend and nothing to about wanting to get out of a fascist-run mental institution), overcoming the needlessly evil security working the ward – as per requirement, the staff of this place are obnoxious and utterly unlikely to take a position in a ward for troubled youths, but hey the Hollywood convention of jerks working in the social care sector is a trope we’ve come to recognise, especially since the whole Baby P debacle – yes, I’m blaming Baby P for confirming Hollywood stereotypes because I’m the other anthropomorphified movie stereotype: the amoral, insensitive and unjustly bitter nerd blogger. The duo disappear in search of Lori by using the logic of all teenagers: where would a careless woman take her emotionally retarded virgin best friend to deal with a murder in her own house – the zoo!

Round 2: The Morning After Pill – Springwood Style

Lori’s dad makes her the usual breakfast, consisting of eggs, toast and drugs in her juice – given how she acts like a sloth on Ritalin (Methylphenidate to those less informed), I’d prescribe her a dose of adrenaline directly into the heart to get her going in the morning. She’s too sleepy after a late night of intense interrogation (the kind that works hard to prevent gaining any insight apparently) and foregoes the juice. The dad tries to push it on her, as he has done every day without fail for her entire life in order for her to never have heard of Krueger – but then how does she know what a nightmare is in the first place? Surely the terror of dozing off last night would cause her mind to shut down when facing this unperceivable subconscious terror. She goes to school and has a mental freak-out, less cool than, but certainly as attention drawing as an outburst from Freakazoid or Deadpool. She describes Freddy in very vivid detail in front of a hallway full of teenage dreamers, with back-up vocals from Mark as he lays down that he kills in dreams by using fear as a means of transport – again in front of a crowd of teenagers, who tend to startle more easily than a herd of gazelle during a high-speed get away in a truck full of nitro-glycerine during an earthquake. Having now undone decade’s worth of work gone into Project Shut-Up About Krueger, Mark is whisked away by Will – whose sudden appearance causes Lori to faint.

Will: You know what you just did right?

Mark: Yeah, I threatened your girlfriend to the point of tears by telling her that her nightmares are real and going to kill her, when I should have just said “Hey Will, here she is”.

Will: And…..

Mark: And I did it in front of an audience…of dozens of Freddy’s favoured victim type…. Shit, do you recon this’ll come back to bite me in the ass?

Will: How can someone plan a successful escape from a locked down asylum but not do something simple like not confirming people’s fears about psychotic dream stalkers? Is a breakout really more achievable than just being quiet for you?

Lori is taken to the nurses’ station of the school, and by the looks of it she and Kia are attending med-school as this place has its’ own waiting room complete with crazy cosmetic surgical option magazines READILY AVAILABE FOR STUDENTS. Kia envisions Freddy ripping off her nose – her defining and emotive development as a character simply that she feels she needs a nose job. Freddy’s going to have a hard time trying to think of a more inventive and reflective haunting style for her now he’s blown his load early with that one. How do you scare someone who thinks she looks like this to begin with?:

To help take her mind off all the recent upheaval Lori has been dragged to a rave in a corn field by the morally dubious (possibly bankrupt) Kia. This is exactly where the type of place that’ll take her mind of murderers, returning lovers, and nagging thoughts that her father and the police force are involved in a massive cover up of a dream demon, as there are rapists to be presently concerned about. While Kia bickers with a dweeb with a crush on her (ah, add another slab to the morgue boys), Gibb wanders off, passes out and is followed by a guy who tries to/does rape her (Even Freddy never raped anyone…legally old enough to consent, so this guy is technically more twisted and evil than the man burnt alive for child murder. Plus, he looks like Sting *shudder*). Gibb is unaware of this penetrative problem as she is on the long train to Snooze Town, where she meets up with the disembodied head of her recent boyfriend and follows him to a barn/boiler room where Freddy is waiting. After not really doing much in terms of theatrics as we’re used to, Freddy goes in for the kill but is thwarted as Jason has turned up, drawn by the sound of fun (we nerds understand this as ‘sex, drugs and socialising’ but have no understanding of how this constitutes fun) like some hideous buzz-kill fundamentalist parent. He kills Gibbs as she sleeps, ripping her from the nightmare and into the much preferable situation of being impaled on a pike. Freddy is justifiably annoyed his homunculus, his Gollum if you will, is running amok and claiming kills like an online gamer sniper, and he declares war on zombies. Just for the record; a PHANTOM has declared was on ZOMBIES! This concept couldn’t be any more epic if it was on fire!

Jason is set on fire (fucking ‘a!) as he slaughters his way through the party goers, some of whom actually try and take on a the human equivalent of Megatron, WHO IS ON FIRE, in an act that is either bravery beyond the call of duty, or just plain idiocy. I like to think it’s both: idiocy beyond the call of duty. While the carnage is unfolding, Will arrives and escorts Lori, stoner Freeburg, Kia and her admirer Linderman escape in Marks van.

Kia: Was that him? Was that Freddy?

Lori: No, that was a different unkillable zombie.

Kia: Phew. At least he only killed Gibb – let’s move on from her death faster than we did her douchy boyfriend.

Will drops them all off at their respective houses, unconcerned that there are two teenage-preying demons on the loose having a ‘who can kill the most’ dick measuring contest in their own back yard, just so’s he can try and get into Lori’s unspoilt loins. Classy guy, but Lori’s dad drags him from the van and threatens him because ever since Will became convinced he killed his wife/Lori’s mum the two haven’t quite seen eye to eye.

Mark reminisces over his brother, then like everyone in this film falls asleep instantly while still standing in order to have a ***SPOILER ALERT*** dream in which Freddy lays down some extra exposition about bringing Jason back to serve his purpose but now he can’t stop him claiming his kills blah blah blah. So Freddy offers to deal with the character with the most reason to hate him and thus not be a part of his plans to become a more effective massacre machine.

Freddy: Exposition! Exposition! Exposition! If you tell everyone to be afraid of me and go to sleep right now I won’t kill you.

Mark: Yeeeeeah…you killed my brother, so how about ‘no’, with a side order of cram it?

Freddy: Fine – I’ll set you on fire and blister burn a warning into your back.

Mark: You don’t got the balls.

Freddy sets Mark on fire and blister burns a warning into his back as Will and Lori look on in horror and call the rest of the Scooby gang to discuss the situation. Two Zombies, One Town is going to be a more disturbing and horrible shit storm than Two Girls, One Cup ever could achieve – though I’d love nothing more than for that to be the sequel’s showdown. No here’s where logic is pissed up against the wall, for Officer Teething Trouble has tracked the gang down with info on the new addition to the Shoggoth party – you know, instead of using this Intel to help out his fellow policemen who have a localised Donner Party on their hands. Serves them right for not telling him about Freddy and thus getting this whole epidemic over with when he joined. Yes, PC Training Bra has looked up the wrong killer but accidentally given them useful info on Jason, and lucky though this cock-up turned out to be how exactly does one confuse the sweater-clad love child of Wolverine and Deadpool –                

-with the cast of the Mighty Ducks?          

Fairly noticeable these aren’t the same guy – even Michael Bay can tell the difference and ruin each franchise accordingly. Lori naps as the group come up with a plan to sacrifice her as a virgin tribute to the gods, turns out this is a dream but somehow less ridiculous than the reality that the group have WORKED OUT WHAT FREDDY WAS ORIGINALLY PLANNING (the fuck!?) in bringing Jason back to restore fear to the town in order for him to return – because the crushing fears of being a young person a world that hates you despite it crumbling under its own weight just isn’t terrifying enough – that’s like petty crime vs. corporate crime; the real dangerous one is just too big to conceive as the true threat. Making such leaping assumptions based on nothing (seriously, both film series don’t exist in this world so they have NOTHING to base this on) such as Jason running amuck and Freddy no longer being able to stop his rampage of destruction. They form the perfectly rational plan to dose up on the drug Hypnocil, which the parents of Springwood have been sneaking into their morning drinks to keep the bad dreams at bay, then address the more physical hockey player problem at hand – to think most teens only have exams and uncontrollable erections to be concerned with. We have it so easy these days. Unfortunately the best option to get this wonder pill is at the same institution that Will busted out of yesterday, instead of going to the local chemists where the parents likely pick up their weekly prescriptions of imagination suppressor.

They break into the loony bin with Jason on their trail, breaking off into three teams; Team Us, Team Them, and Team You On Your Own. So while two of the groups go in the wrong direction the one guy on his own, Freeburg, is left to the mercies of the 2 psychos – ironically he’s the one who discovers the stash of Hypnocil but somehow falls asleep while getting high and gets possessed by Freddy (neat trick, in order to take control of people, all one requires is to be swallowed by them in their subconscious. If nothing else, this film has taught us this scientifically proven fact). Team Them arrive too late as Freeburg/Freddy pours all the Hypnocil down the drain. No time to dwell on this though, for Jason has arrived and kills Officer I’m Too Young To Die. Linderman and Kia run and meet up with Lori and Will who totally haven’t been necking in the morgue and they make a break for it as Jason bears down in all his mute fury. Freeburg/Freddy interjects and doses the rotting Little Leaguer up to the eyeballs with tranquiliser – you can apparently put zombies to sleep if you use the right amount of elephant trancs (this has proven not to work on Ryan Reynolds). In his final moments Jason cleaves Freeburg in two, as strong reminder that we shouldn’t do drugs unless you wish to face a zombie that’ll provide an on the spot leg amputation free of charge.

In the undead dreamscape of Jason’s mind Freddy uses his rival in popular horror iconography to play pinball, and after re-growing his arms after misjudging the killability of his foe, uses Jason’s fear of water (his mother was related to the Wicked Witches of Oz perhaps) to render him suitably feeble enough for a lobotomy that allows Freddy to really get to the root of his fears. Back in the van the gang are hauling ass to Kamp Krusty with an applaud-worthy sensible plan to abandon Jason back in his bed so he won’t come calling for them once this is over. Lori then suggests she be put to sleep and help out Jason (THE FUCK!?) – and they AGREE!? So Lori drifts off and joins in on the group dream of Jason’s childhood death at the hands of obnoxious kids and ineffectual camp councillors. She tries to rescue Jason from drowning in his own watery subconscious – and it works…sort of -Jason starts to cough up water and all my congratulatory words are retracted faster than the Invisible Woman’s decision to submit Mr Fantastic’s name into a ‘Mr Modest’ competition, when they ration that the living corpse requires mouth-to-mouth in order to save his life. HE’S A FREAKING MEMBER OF THE WALKING DEAD CLUB YOU R-TARDS! Much as many of us would pay to see Kelly Rowland suck face with a zombie, even if it wasn’t in a film with the premise of a PHANTOM fighting a ZOMBIE, but our expectations are dashed when Jason buckaroos and sends the van hurting into the woods – the woods of Mein Kamp Crystal to be specific. Having lost out on killing Jason, Freddy is VERY pissed and to show it he not only shows Lori a recounting of her own mothers’ death at his hands (sub-plot over), he then finger-blasts her – with these:

That’s pretty fucking harsh, even for a child molestering, dream-plaguing psychopath who once did this. While the prelude to rape is going on, the gang cower from the Jason who is clearly not a morning person. They take shelter in  a cabin as they try and wake Lori, and it isn’t until Jason impales Linderman on a coat rack and the cabin is arsoned that Lori wakes up – grabbing Freddy as she goes and hauling him into the real world. With an ‘oooooh shit’ look on his face, Freddy notices that Jason is waiting for him. Hell. Fucking. Yes!

Round 3: When ‘Why Won’t You Die?’ Met ‘Just Won’t Stay Dead’

15 glorious minutes of fighting. There’s nothing really much to say about this epic  final arc that delivers exactly what 2 AvP films didn’t – antagonist A beating the royal crap out of antagonist B, who in turn beats enough stupid out of antagonist A to make them both realise that their respective franchises are never going to top this so they should go out in style. We see Freddy used as an effective means of clearing a row of windows of all glass and a useful means of bashing the dust from ones dilapidated cabin; we learn that Jason can fly with the help of a gas canister torpedo to the gut; we discover that it takes more than being impaled by an Olympic stadium supply of javelins, being hit with a wrecking ball, stabbed in the neck repetitively AND being run over by a mine cart full of machine parts – all within the same 30 seconds! – isn’t enough to keep a good zombie down; we marvel at how a film with such a ridicules premise could be this damn entertaining – so much so I almost regret slandering it as I have till this point. In a brief interlude to the action (yes Mr Bay, you can actually put action scenes on hiatus for the purpose of not making viewers bored of explosions and fighting), Kia is killed helping Lori and Will escape….idiocy beyond the call of duty. Freddy decides that he’s already proven himself to be a sadistic, child killing, retard torturing, sexual deviant ass-bag, so he may as well throw ‘racist’ into the mix.

Freddy: Man, I ain’t killed a sassy black sidekick in at least 2 sequels. Game on!

Kia: Shit. I was just trying to distract you long enough for Will and Lori to make a swift getaway on a row boat. Buuuuut seeing as you’re decided to kill me I may as well make fun of your penis and dress sense.

Freddy: Those are the things I’m most sensitive about!

Jason walks up behind Kia and kills her so hard she goes flying into a tree over in another cursed summer camp.

Jason:………………………………………………………………….. [Classic!]

Freddy: Surprisingly, you stealing this kill doesn’t bother me, despite that being what we originally fell out over. Let’s make up 🙂

Jason:…………………………………………………………………..

Freddy: You do not have the longer list of semi-decent sequels! Have at you!

They continue to fight their way over the lake pier like the Fast Show’s ‘Two Men Fighting’ skit that the internet refuses to provide a link to (why is the internet so shit at providing links to things that’d add to these postings, yet I could have so many ‘Dick in a Box’/SpongeBob mash-up links it’d make you curse every Mac user under the age of 20 to an eternity of spinning colour wheels). Lori refuses to leave in the swift safety of a small rowboat until she sees Freddy diez for killing her mother – not the razor fingering . Jason and Freddy up the stakes to Tom & Jerry proportions; Freddy has his arm torn from the shoulder and heart ripped still beating from his chest; Jason loses his fingers, gets his stomach slashed open, eyes gouged out, and lungs punctured. Jason is D.O.W.N and Lori goes all Shanna the She-Devil and blows up the pier, blasting Fredster into chunkolicious pieces. Will congratulates her on a job well done – yeah, well done Lori for letting them everything-but-kill each other for 15 solid minutes as they tare their way through everyone in your phone book, then blowing up the one-armed, half-dead winner \o/ Good for me, this smugness is interrupted by;

1)      If you want Jason to kill the reunited lovers, press 1

2)      If you wand Freddy to murder the last two teenagers alive from Springwood, press 2

Results are being calculated………………………………………………………………..

And the winner is, by a ballet count of 1 against 1: Jason….wait no, it’s Freddy with Jason’s machete…wait no, Jason isn’t dead either, but now Freddy is….aaaaaand now Jason’s dead. There is no refund for wasted votes.

Jason rams Freddy’s own disembodied arm (complete with claws) into the vile fiends chest, allowing Lori to deliver the killing blow…..we’ll just let her think it was her beheading him and not the ARM STICKING OUT OF HIS HEART that finished him. Lori and Will leave as Jason sinks back into his watery grave, a slight twinkle in his eye – for every time a child killing phantasm dies an angel gets its wings.

Epilogue: All’s Well That Ends in Hell

In the underworld Jason carries the head of Krueger to his summer home in the Lake of Eternity. Beating X-men Origins: Wolverine to the punch by half a decade, Freddy’s head winks at the camera and laughs as the credits close on both the film and this failed attempt at an Alien vs. Predator review. Middle finger to everyone involved in pilfering this scene for your craptacular X-men ‘film’.

The End

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s