Logan’s Run: Wolverine

Until First Class redeemed the uncanny trend, the X-Men series was following the same unsettling quality curve of the Star Wars saga: film one established the plot and characters, a little slow in places but ultimately laying the groundwork for something larger than itself; the superior sequel ups the action, drama and stakes, leading to a darker, bleaker finale; part three is a vaguely passable piece of entertainment but far too unfocussed and rushing as it tries to tie up all the loose ends while continuing to develop the larger and stand alone narratives, coming off as half good, half terrible and wholly disappointing. And then we come to the prequel, a film misguidedly focused on how the story and characters we know and love ended up in the predicament we meet them in all those years ago, and taking an adult topic (political process and civil war, and violent revenge and child napping for genetic experimentation) and woefully attaching it to a film aimed primarily at children for toy sale revenue. The parallels are intriguing but unfortunate. But while it could be argued that the Star Wars films were family friendly blockbusters so Phantom Menace was simply tapping into a new generational market of sprogs (if you want to be lynched), X-Men is more young adult+, even though every 3 year old and his invisible friend knows and loves Wolverine, that cuddliest of gruff cigar inhaling psychopaths. And so with the mature bit out of the way it’s time to see why X-Men Origins: Wolverine is comparable to the most rejected film in geekdom history.

Part 1: Young James Would Have Made a Fine Sith Lord…

The year is 1880: Canadian calendar (so about 1927 to the rest of us). Open on a large cabin in the woods where in resides the Howlett family. Hark, what Loki-level trickery is this, for the young Logan we see before us is no Chewbacca with a knife but instead a weak puny girly-man child with bronchitis called James. Good thing this pathetic weakling has his tender loving step-brother watching over him while filing his nails down into points from the root – nothing made me feel better than when my sibling mutilated himself for entertainment. A well-to-do bespectacled man enters and name drops the characters in case no one had figured out who they were after 4 decades of back story and film advertisements out the arse.

Father: Victor, what have I told you about maiming yourself in front of your worthless brother?

James: It’s okay dad, the nausea help take my mind off the tuberculosis.

Father: Oh James, how I do love you. I’m so emotionally invested in your safety and wellbeing, as would anyone else watching right now.

There comes a knocking from downstairs, followed by angered shouting.

Father: Oh lord whatever could that be? Let me just take off this weighty bullet-proof vest and go see to the commotion. Remember; I love you son, and let this love define and excuse your actions from here out.

Victor: What about me papa?

Father: Shut up Victor.

The father goes downstairs and is shot during the peace negotiations with what appears to be a drunken bear with a rifle. James sees all of this while Victor was curled up in his hutch, and grows a pair – and claws – with which he runs through the living brick-shit house. The dying tank looks down at James and tells him he is his real father; apparently in Canada one reasserts his place within a family by murdering the member you wish to usurp. Forgetting the man who raised him his entire life and provided a wonderful home environment, James mourns the death of his dead-beat real father with a cry of “NOOOOOOOOOOO~!” to rival that of Darth Vaders’ from Revenge of the Sith in its unintentional hilarity. His whore of a mother asks him why he did it – really? his real dad just proved himself to be a cold blooded murderer so this really shouldn’t come as a shock to her when her son kills for swift vengeance. James flees into the woods as an armed mob chases him down (once again, HE KILLED A MURDERER!). Victor catches up with him.

Victor: I saw what you did back there – murdering a man in cold blood. You’re just like me 😀

James: No, I’m nothing like you. It was an accident. Besides, I have bone claws and all you have are these:

Victor: Regardless, I’m all you have now. Hurry, we’ll run away and slaughter our way through the century.

James: Guess that’s reasonable, after all I did just kill a guy for inexcusable reasons (the fuck!?).

Placing his emotional development in Victor’s totally sane and competent hands they flee into the woods away from the manhunt.

Manhunt: Wait! You haven’t collected your reward money for taking out Baby Killer Magrute! Shoot, they’re gone. Well, better invest the money for them – how about that Weapon’s X programme? [Irony]

Cue title sequence. Enjoy it, it’s the last thing you will before the migraines end. James and Victor work their way through their bucket list (that is to say, half the worlds armed populous) as they attend every know war/global conflict (that is, the ones Americans can identify with – might have well gone the whole hog and had them hop in a time machine to take on the British Red Coats). As time passes James slowly begins to show concerns that Victor is enjoying the bloodshed a little too much. Eventually their actions place them before a firing squad and executed, and when this fails a certain throw back to ­X-Men 2 enters the picture.

William Stryker: You may not realise this but I’m Brian Cox and I’m here to offer you a deal. Come join my team of mutant mercs and you can have your freedom.

Victor: Do I get to kill a load of people?

Stryker: Of course – what other motivation do you need that requires the bare minimum of character development?

James is a little more hesitant, having long since realised that without the worry of death they could easily overcome their captor and escape without the need for Faustian deals. He goes along with it anyway, the pussy. So off James and Victor go to Africa with the other members of the Burger King kids’ meal toy-line cast; Frank Dukes (aka the not-yet Blob), a hobbit that can control electricity; Black Nightcrawler; marksman extraordinaire Agent Zero, and Ryan Reynolds. The band of merry men storm a stronghold guarded in a way perfect for each character to showcase his abilities, slaying their way to the man at the top – Reynolds powers are demonstrated to be the ability to take a breath between sentences (completely ludicrous in it lack of reality), to which Stryker adlibs how one day humanity will find a way to shut him up forever. Wow, without even trying he’s proven himself to be the only man capable of portraying Deadpools’ grating personality, only without the funny. Stryker forces the man to hand over his paperweight, a large chunk of metal called Adamantium, and demands to know where it came from before having him executed. The amateur geology society then heads into the jungle and threaten a tribe of locals into giving up the source of Adamantium, but they are less than happy to accept the terms of ‘give up holy rock and die’ so are forced to have to suffer the indignity being killed Victor, who never has to worry about breaking a nail. A slaughter breaks out, with shooting, sword swinging, claw slashing, and Dominic Monaghan flicking a light switch on and off. Wolverine finally decides that eating the hearts of Nazis and the Vietnamese is alright, but the Emancipation Proclamation happened for a reason and tries to stop Victor’s rampage. He quits the Girl Scouts and disappears off into the jungle, leaving the rest of the team standing dumbfounded after him as Stryker blithely shouts that no one ever leaves The Programme.

Six months, a year, some significant amount of time passes and James has carved out a nice little niece for himself back in Canada as a logger (oh, so killing rare mineral withholders is wrong but deforestation isn’t? Hypocrite) under the name ‘Logan’, and has fallen in love – how do we know it’s love; well without sounding like one of them queermosexuals, she’s waaaaaaaaay below Hugh Jackman standards, so there’s really no other reason for him to stay with her, as she’s also got no personality and tells boring as shit stories that rival Aunt Mays’ in tedium. One moonlit night when the plot is relevant she tells one such tale of how a lone warrior falls in love with the moon (I can see that) and becomes a crazed animal of passion when she is denied him. And the name of this animal: the Stoat, naturally. That same night Victor pays Dominic Monaghan a visit at the carnival he’s working at (living the dream of all ex-mercs) – this ain’t no social call though, demonstrated when Victors’ nails grow by half an inch, and no amount of turning the lights off and on will do Dominic any good…

The next day Logan is seen off to work by his beloved, who is confronted by Victor on her way home – his attempts at menace come off more as being a dick who scratches other peoples’ paintwork with his girly fingernails. Logan sees Victor on the edge of the forest and gives chase where he discovers the wreckage (‘a bit scratched’) of his car! Oh, and his wife’s been murdered. That sucks too I guess. At the hospital Logan runs into Stryker, a little convenient – too convenient to Logan, who puts his head through a fucking wall. Stryked admits he wasn’t expecting a warm reception, but he needs Logan’s help as Victor has gone rogue and is killing his way through The Programme’s ex-personnel (X-personnel). Realising his low credibility, Stryker recalls that at this point X-Men 2 is still a long way removed from the plot and swears on his integrity that he’d use his son in a horrific experiment to commit genocide before having anything to do with Logan’s wife’s murdered for contrived and convoluted reasons.

Logan: But how do I stop a man who can grow his nails to almost an inch? Sure, I’ve got these claws, but there’s only 6 of them – he’s got like, ten or something.

Stryker: Don’t worry, I have a perfectly logical solution: we cut you open and pour molten metal over your bones.

Logan: How about you just coat my claws?

Stryker:…No, I prefer my way.

Logan:…Do I have any other crazy surgical options?

Stryker: We can sew a nest of rabid badges inside you.

Logan agrees to the terms and thus begins the beginning of months, years, maybe even decades of subjugation at the hands of Weapon X as they break him down into a mindless killing machine, an act that’ll leave deep mental scars and define the character’s development for the rest of his life. Kidding, it’s like 5 minutes.

Part 2: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.

At their super secret headquarters somewhere inside a cliff-face Logan is lowered into a fish tank, having been chest-shaved to prevent clogging the machines. Generals and science staff mill around with interest as the procedure begins. Stryker informs Logan that they’ll be using the Adamantium he refused to help them collect, and that he hopes the irony isn’t lost on him. He asks what he wants his new dog tags to read. “The Stoat” replies Logan, a tear in his eye. Stryker nods with a kind smile and walks over to Dr. Cornelius – covering his mouth while pretending to scratch he mumbles to Cornelius; “just write ‘Wolverine’ or ‘Polar Grizzly’… – something cool”. He looks back at Logan, who gives him a weak but hopeful thumbs up which he returns with a smug smile. Pipes are drilled into Logan and MOLTERN METAL is pumped into his body, luckily only welding itself to bone rather than doing what physics wants and going everywhere before melting his flesh and exploding out of his bloated belly. The procedure is a complete success so Stryker decides to talk very loudly over the water tank that Wolverine is to be evacuated to the main facility for the deprogramming session.

Wolverine: I said ‘stoat’! RAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Wolverine bursts from the tank and cuts a sway of destruction through the facility to freedom. An awkward silence descends over the room as all eyes fall on Stryker.

Stryker: Bollocks.

Seeing an immortal man with an indestructible skeleton, built in swords, over a century of military and combat experience and a VERY big chip on his shoulder as of no immediate threat to national security, Wolverine is allowed to run free unhindered, eventually coming across an old farmhouse and taking naked refuge in the barn. The elderly proprietors return and upon discovering a naked man in their hay loft, decide to invite him into the place where they will eventually sleep with exposed necks – are they the fucking Kent’s or something!? Logan admires his shinny new claws in the mirror, possibly wondering how something so glaringly computer generated could be substantial enough to be weapons – until he slices open the sink in a scene of slap-stick that wouldn’t be out of place in Evil Dead 2. Over dinner they bond and clothe Logan so I guess this means he’ll be miffed when they inevitably die. To make this truth pill all the bitterer to swallow, the old coot even gives Logan (the naked man from the secret military organisation he found in his barn) his bitchin’ bike. Having woken up naked in my fair share of old people’s houses, sheds, condos, hospital beds, etc, I gotta say this charity is not normal protocol when they discover you; a brick to the face and a stint on the sex offenders register is more conventional, but then again I don’t look like Hugh Jackman. The old woman enters with milk and cookies and they all share a good laugh about how foolish Mr Kent never could ride for shit, when the milk explodes.

Mrs Kent: That’s odd; the milk doesn’t usually explode until Tuesday.

A bullet hole opens up her lower stomach, Mr Kent’s arm flies off.

Mr Kent: My, this is peculiar.

Miles away, Agent Zero repositions himself and takes aim again, no doubt wondering if the money he’ll get for this gig will allow him to finally get the corrective eye surgery he needs. Time makes waste though as Wolverine has escaped the barn on motorbike. “Oh no, he’s travelling in a straight line towards me. If I don’t pack up my sniper rifle and leave now he’ll be on me in a matter of minutes.” Thus sharp shooter extraordinaire Agent Zero takes to the air in helicopter and napalms everything that isn’t Wolverine in the immediate vicinity. Wolverine uses an explosion to launch the motorbike at the helicopter and bring it down (the fuck!?). Inside the pile of bone shards and minced gizzards that was once a hyped-up marksman receives a radio message from Stryker. Wolverine overhears this and doubles back, demanding what Stryker has to do with all this AND AGENT ZERO ACTUALLY TELLS HIM, plus info that Victor is abducting mutant for the Weapon X facility! Fuck me these guys are fucktards when it comes to secrecy of vital information. Across state Victor is stalking Scott ‘Captain Ray-Ban’ Summers at his highschool Using his mighty nails. Victor captures the cycloptic teen and hauls him away. Wolverine explodes Agent Zero to make sure that not a single cell of his body survives – you know, like in The Thing only with less alien parasite and more mortally wounded Asian.

Back at HQ STRYKER puts down the phone as Dr Cornelius enters carrying a small wooden box.

Stryker: Wolverine just took down Agent Zeros’ team.

Cornelius: I knew Zero would fail; the only way to kill Wolverine is with this –

Dr. Cornelius puts the wooden box on Strykers’ desk and opens it. Inside are a pistol and six bullets.

Cornelius: – An adamantium bullet. Now if we’re going to…

Stryker: Wait, go back a minute. You knew this before we sent out the strike team?

Cornelius: Of course; we did just spend millions making him indestructible. So back to what I was saying…

Styker: So we just lost our best sharpshooter and the element of surprise, thus revealing to Wolverine that we are the ones who killed his wife and are abducting mutants…and you knew it would end this way?

Cornelius:…Erm, ye~eah…

Stryker: And you knew Zero would fail before you decided not to give him the only weapon that could kill Wolverine, knowing full well his mutant power allows him to hit any target without even looking?

Dr. Cornelius looks at the floor.

Stryker: Right, I’m transferring you to ***SPOILER ALERT*** Project Deadpool.

Cornelius: But Ryan Reynolds is a total arse – he’s already driven two orderlies to suicide!

Stryker: OUT!

Wolverine decides it’s time to get his priorities in order, after all the bad life choices he’s been making of late. Setting about bringing the old team back together he tracks down Wraith/Black Nightcrawler who now runs a gym (for a group of worlds’ greatest mercenaries, they all have low aspirations outside of the assassination game) who informs him that the man to ask about Weapon X is Frank Dukes, who “took Logan’s’ leaving a bit hard” and spent the past few months eating like a middle aged spinster in an all you can eat ice cream cafe. This man was a TRAINED KILLER who DESTROYS TANKS WITH HIS FISTS! How can the lack of one interchangeable team member cause that kind of reaction – any reaction? They didn’t even have any screen time together – Christ, the actor spent more time with Dominic Moraghan’s Charlie during his time on Lost, and he died the previous season! Nothing is ever easy when a characters powers need to be showcased for all the kids merchandising, with Wraith’s house rule stating that to obtain information about fast approaching assassinations, one must win a boxing match – even when his life is depending on getting this information. The flab blocking Dukes’ ears causes a misunderstanding:

Dukes: ‘Blob’. Did you just call me ‘blob’?

Wolverine: I called you a fat c**t.

Dukes pummels Wolverine until a head-butt leads to a self K.O., and as section 4, clause 2, paragraph 21 of the boxers code of honour states ‘Twat yourself out and you must reveal information vital to a movie plot, only if it prevents the slaughter of former team mates’. He reveals that Stryker and Victor have been working together to hunt down mutants for some secret project, taking them to a base on some island. The only guy who knows where to find it is an escapee playing at Gambit. Apparently he never thought Stryker would come after him, which must be true if even the freaking Blob, a tack so blunt he wouldn’t worry a haemophiliac, knows where he is without any worry of laying low. So is Stryker just waiting for Gambit to come wandering back to the facility when he gets bored of not being tortured? Why hasn’t Gambit told the authorities that there is a facility of child-nappers operating in the area using mutants for living weapons? Wraith leads Wolverine to Gambit, who knocks him through the wall with a deck of cards (they are super powered cards – Wolverine isn’t some punk-ass who can be knocked around with a bit of paper you know) and out into the streets beyond. While this less than successful negotiation is going on, Victor kills Wraith and steals his DNA, as one does, and joins the Wolverine/Gambit boss battle, causing Gambit to wuss-out and flee to the roof. Wolverine the indestructible machine man fails to kill Victor and his pedicure powers, and after being told he also murdered Dukes – THE GUY WITH UNBREAKABLE SKIN – Victor cheeses it.

Gambit:  Sacré bleu, if le Sabertooth wanted you mort then you must be one of the bien guys. Come, you will join me in ma flying machine, no?

Wolverine: Your accent is appalling – and I’m an Australasian playing a Canadian. Wait, you own a plane? How the Hell have you managed to stay below the attention of the government for so long?

Part 3: The Worlds’ Greatest Actress, The Sparklepire Sex Symbol, and The Mut[e]ant

Stryker meets with a bigwig in his lab of evil to revels that project Shut Ryan Reynolds Up is almost complete. Gambit flies Wolverine to Three Mile Island, home to the Weapon X Deadpool initiative. Wolverine invites Gambit to the fight, but his contract stipulates only one chance to display his mutant abilities per film, abandoning Wolvie to it. Government facilities not being what they used to be since the lofty, pre-recession days of Spawn, Wolverine breezes into the compound and even the main research lab without even a ‘shnict’, locating Stryker and a team of brokenly gibbering scientists of Project Deadpool – “the jokes – always with the jokes.” As Wolverine prepares to kill Stryker for ordering the death of his wife, who should show up but said wife.

Wolverine: G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-ghost!!!!

Silverfox: Nope, I’m a mutant and I used my ability to plant suggestions to fool you into thinking I was dead.

Sabertooth: And I helped.

Wolverine/Silverfox/Stryker: Shut up Victor.

Silverfox: Please understand; I had to do it to save my sister.

Wolverine: Silverfox doesn’t have a sister.

Silverfox: I know, but neither does Emma Frost – that’s just too big a coincidence for us to ignore.

At this point it should be made clear that the girl in the cellar (oh yeah, the mutant kids are being kept in cages in the cellar) is not the Emma Frost, but her Sparklepire equivalent who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Thus Wolverine realises he went through the toughest mental and physical ordeal a man has ever endured, just so his fake wife could rescue her fictitious sibling, and decides not to stick around for the unveiling of mankind’s greatest accomplishment: a Ryan Reynolds devoid of speech. Sabertooth asks for the adamantium treatment but is refused on the grounds that he’s no Wolverine – a reason so bafflingly retarded is defies the narratives’ causality; during his time with Stryker’s team of mutant misfits Wolverine provided a missing moral core, demonstrated when he refused to kill innocents and left mid-mission to become a lumber jack. Sabertooth however stayed on and racked up the body count, and even captured all the young mutants Weapon X has chained up downstairs, thus allowing the Deadpool project to develop and come to fruition – allowing Stryker to make a ton of cash while killing off his genetic adversaries. Now if you were an evil scientist who wanted a perfect killer to do my bidding, which of the two candidates above would be the dead ringer for the position? Justifiably annoyed Sabertooth slinks off. Silverfox asks for her sisters’ release but is denied – take that you lying bitch! As he leaves Wolverine remembers that there are a load of children waiting to be turned into kebab and returns to the not-very secure holding pen and frees them all – in plain sight of Stryker’s office, and sets about freeing the hostages, including; Cyclops; the chronologically confused Emma Frost and Banshee – you know, the ones who are in First Class and completely different ages; and Quicksilver…the son of Magneto… Look, I realise that Quicksilver and Magneto were estranged for some decades in the comics but this is just a mess. If Magneto’s son was being held captive by a human – a military scientist of all people – no amount of estrangement would stop him force feeing Stryker his own windpipe. On a side note, this is the first of 5 X-Men films not to star Magneto or Mystique, pictured here in First Class;

I like to think Wolverine and Cyclops share a moment between the panels:

Cyclops: Gee willekers Mister, thanks! How can I ever repay you?

Wolverine: Don’t sweat it kid –if we ever meet again, I’ll just bone your girlfriend.

Silverfox joins the band of escaping mutants as Stryker watches on. He activates the apparently semi-robotic Ryan Reynolds – you know, just like how Deadpool was a remote controlled android made up of Dominic Monaghan and Will I Am in the comics. Ryan Reynolds greets Wolverine and the Girl Scouts in Darth Maul Phantom Menace style (salting the wound – they couldn’t think of a better film to steal from? THAT’S THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH?) The reference is perfectly fitting because much like Darth Maul, Deadnolds is a mute red/black antagonist hyped through the roof, whom sword fights and used red lasers for a bit before falling down a shaft – after being cut in 2. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED THIS PARALLEL?! Let’s do a breakdown of the 2 versions of Deadpool and see how they compare:

Comic

Film

Red and Black costume Shirtless but does own red pants
Iconic mask No iconic mask
Cancer patient gone batshit bonkers Cancer-free volunteer
Guns, swords, bombs… A retractable arm-length wrist sword
Comedic, insane, pop-culture junkie Mute and sealed mouth
Teleporting device Can self-teleport
Free willed Remote controlled
An ionic and beloved antihero for our time Ryan Reynolds

How did this happen? How does someone take that:

and make this?!:

So Stryker type’s commands into a computer (‘kill they ass’) and Ryan Reynolds follows said orders – though not to the letter (‘brawl then die’).

Stryker: It’s working. It’s working! He hasn’t said a word in minutes!

 Silverfox leads the kids AWAY from the hangar doors where Deadnolds entered (Phantom Menace once again), however their route is finally obstructed by some armed guards. Emma Frost turns all Sparklepire and deflects the bullets – like this only less sexy:

Cyclops vaporise the guards and makes orphans of their children. Wondering aloud here; who signs up to be henchmen for sadistic corporations? Silverfox gets shot and tells the kids to go on without her – they probably think she’s just faking again. The fight between Wolverine and Deadnolds moves outside so they can show off all of his tricks; teleportation, sword hands, laser eyes, regeneration, but it all feels redundant because DEADPOOL HAS NONE OF THESE THINGS! This is Keanu Reeves in The Day the Earth Stood Still all over again – they picked someone who’s quite right for the part (a jabbering Quentin Tarentino with woman appeal, and a chunk of vulcanised rubber respectively) and cast them accordingly (a pop culture spouting womaniser, and an emotionless plank representing the Space U.N.) and decide to piss it all up against the wall by changing the characters these one-trick ponies were destined to play. Back in the lab tunnels the kids are lost. Quicksilver tries to take control but oh no, it’s always got to be about Scott, whom is psychically directed by Charles Xavier – why he doesn’t send out instructions to all the escapees is due to the arrogance field Cyclops projects, stifling Charles’ abilities. Or could just be a case of favouritism – or maybe Scott is developing a case of schizophrenia, which’d make him far more relatable to me personally. The battle for Best Claws 2009 rages on atop a cooling tower, which Wolverine has climbed in a ridiculous attempt to lose Deadnolds – even if he couldn’t teleport what good would standing around at the top of a mu-hassive tower do anybody? They tippy-toe around while slicing enough chunks off one another to open a deli, and then Sabertooth joins the mix, using his much renowned stealth abilities to climb a gigantic tower with his Barbie nail extensions, while remaining unseen the entire time.

Sabertooth: Hey brother, I’m totally on your side now. Sorry I made you think I killed your wife, on top of becoming a child-napper, an accomplice to torture, and savagely murdering all your old friends.

Wolverine: You are forgiven, my dearest brother.

They kiss and return to being whomped by Deadnolds. Eventually Wolverine cuts off his head and 2009’s Venom-level character mishandling falls, undeveloped and hollow, into the cooling tower. As a final ‘fuck you’ though, he fires his Cyclops-vision as he goes, causing the tower to collapse, and for some reason the entire island to go kablooy. Wolverine saves Sabertooth from a fall he would recover from instantly and they part.

Sabertooth: This changes nothing between us. You left me back there in Africa for an entire plane ride home with Ryan Reynolds. If I ever see you in a sequel, or where ever this films set in the chronology [it isn’t], I’ll kill you – and then never return for the next instalment. Muhahahahah!

Yay, my favourite convolution in the entire plot: Remember how Wolverine couldn’t hear Silverfox entering through a door behind him, or hear her footsteps/smell her scent when she was mere feet from him? Well now he’s overcompensating like a creepy stalker, as he can now hear her dying whimpers ACROSS AN EXPLODING REFINARY.

One of these makes less noise than a soft foot falls according to science. He goes to her and blah blah blah BANG! – shot in the head. Viewers paying close attention earlier, not to that pulpy red mush leaking from their ears but to a clever plot twist about adamantium, will recall Stryker still has the Adamanti-gun and all six bullets (the one’s that’d have been more use earlier when sending Agent Zero the mutant marksman on his one-way assassination mission, and thus negating all this mess). Wolverine takes the bullets to the face like a man…that is to say, he passes out. Stryker closes in for the kill in order to taunt the unconscious killing machine but a quick intervention by Silverfox and her powers of persuasion send him walking – literally. Not “kill yourself”, or “undergo facial reconstruction surgery to look like Brian Cox”, but to burn some calories – thus almost sealing the fate of every mutant/homosapien come X2. Stupid bitch. She dies and Wolverine recovers – as does his adamantium apparently, as it shows no signs of bullet penetration come his cranial X-rays in X-Men. Gambit appears.

Gambit: Okay, I’m ready to kick some a…ah crap, I missed it!

Wolverine: I have amnesia now, thus making this whole film totally cannon to the rest of the saga. To demonstraight this, let me ask who you are.

Gambit: Who I am is of no relevance to this entire film. Let’s go. But wait, who is that attractive looking corpse over there?

Wolverine: Not a clue, but I bet she’s faking it. To the Gambit-jet!

The fire and police departments arrive as Gambit uses his much fan-loved piloting skills to take Wolverine to Japan. Meanwhile the escapee kids are confronted by an old man with a disarming, yet somewhat creepy smile. His face is also 10 years older than it should be at this point in history.

Charles Xavier: With the power of CGI, I, Patrick Stewart, am here to rescue you. Now all you young subtle children get inside my helicopter and live with me in my secluded woodland mansion.

Cyclops: Sounds perfectly legitimate.

The children board the helicopter and thus the First class of Xavier’s’ school for mutants are recruited…no, this is set after X-men First Class, just with a now younger Emma Frost, who isn’t evil. And Wolverine has already been asked to join, even though it’s set in the modern day….***space time fabric rips apart, rejoins and deletes this scene out of existence***

Not content with ending the film like one normally would, we are now treated [subjected] to a Lord of the Rings: Return of the King special – showing there was far higher regard for this script than the product that was finally executed.

William Stryker walks on bloodied feet down a country road. A military car pulls up to him. After the rousing success of Project Deadpool and the containment of the mutant children, he’s to be rewarded with a promotion and a big role in X2. He decides not to tell them the truth.

THE END

Wolverine drinks himself stupid in Japan. He reminds us he has amnesia again. David Lynch drops in and informs us he’s pulling out of the sequel – but there will still be one. Wolverine takes another shot.

THE END AGAIN

Deadnolds scrambles around the rubble of Three Mile Island. His disembodied head breaks the fourth wall; winking and ‘suhing’ the audience. TO FUCKING LATE YOU BASTARDS!

THE THE END

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