Due to overwhelming demand (shut up), for my first ever review I’m going to give the now-unabridged and rambling breakdown of Transformers: Dark of the Moon in a non-bias, on the fence way – no bitching about how the characters are borderline indistinguishable, 2D and nothing like the source material, or how objects like the Matrix of Leadership are totally misunderstood by the filmmakers. Nope, just a simple breakdown of the story; point A to B. As the plot is so impenetrably convoluted with stupidity and complex bullshit it may take some goes to get this all right – or at least readable.
- Part 1: In The Begining, There Was Convolution
Cybertron, a bajillion years ago – or maybe a week ago (because although megaton left the planet in time for Earths’ Ice Age, the convolution is so bad it could actually be set in the future for all the difference it’d make). So the Autobots and Decepticons are deep in war; “freedom vhhs chaos” (which is a sort of a freedom more free than ‘freedom’ when you think about it). Sentinel Prime has created a key to certain victory and leaves the planet on the Ark ship, only for it to be shot down and spirals through space to land on the moon in…..
1961: NASA picks up a sign that something has crashed on the moon. A terrible JFK impersonator tells them “we’re going to the moon” – literally, that’s his argument. So the space race begins because the Russians ALSO have Intel of the crash. USA wins and Neil Armstrong raids the Ark for odd rubbish, discovering robots with alien faces dead within. For some reason the fact they’d get sloppy seconds stops the Russians from even trying to put a man on the moon despite the evidence of aliens up there – maybe the Stars and Stripes is to them what Garlic is to non-sparklepires -, (even when it’s revealed they’ve been working WITH the decepticons since the Cold War they still have yet to get to the whole moon-walk thing). So after 3 years of scavenging the Ark the moon programme is closed down (the fuck!?) and the 17 people involved in the REAL meaning of the moon landing lock away their findings. So far we’ve established that there is proof of alien robots yet it’s a total surprise to everyone come the 1st film, because even with their knowledge these 17 people were such douche bags they refused to let the (now public knowledge) info out.
2011: Thank fuck the bit with all the robots, plot and intrigue is out the way, because now we can get to the bit we really came here to see (and will be seeing for the next hour-30). Sam is job hunting, yet his saving the world, being friends with aliens, and a college diploma aren’t CV worthy material – so we sit and watch him job hunt for a while at the expense of any action, which is kinda good because the full hour of action pending is enough to put me off excitement forever. Oh, did I not mention he got dumped by Megan Fox and is now dating a super-rich ‘British’ 20 year old supermodel (whose acting talents actually makes Foxy look like contender for a Best Actress Oscar), whom has worked in the White House as British Ambassador and now is working for a smarmy accountant? Well he is, and he has a MAJOR bitch about how he can’t find a job. Sam, just mooch off her and fuck round the clock – seriously, take my job ‘cuz I’m sure up for trading lives with you.
Because Sam is a whiney dick even Bumble Bee has had enough and so the Autos are now helping the government kill terrorists……….don’t think to hard about that – maybe the planes from 9/11 were decepticons or something. In Russia, a government official tells the Autos that Chernobyl was caused by messing with alien tech stolen from the moon by the Deceps and given to the Ruskies back in the 80s (head hurts). It’s actually a power generator for the Ark’s badass weapon. A giant decepticon worm the size of Gods’ penis (that apparently landed on earth when everyone was looking the other way with their fingers up their noses) attacks and steals the power generator – the one the decepticons GAVE away back in the day. Optimus fights it and retrieves the generator, and Shockwave appears as the guy riding the worm. Optimus drops his name like he’s a bigger deal than he turns out to be, even though Shockwave doesn’t even really appear for another 2 hours for a bit. They go home. However the Russian who lead them to the generator turns out to be a spy/liaison for the decepticons, who WANTED Optimus to take the generator. Services delivered, the Russian is killed by an awesome Lazerbeak…who talks. Lamez. Begs the question, why even have the worm bit at all as Optimus knew what the machine was and its importance – he didn’t go “meh, just crap. WAIT the decepticons wantz it now I wantz it. Shockwaaaaaaaave!!!”
Sam gets a job in a mail room of a company that doesn’t have as much relevance to the narrative as Michael Bay thinks it does, and pisses around while his boss John Malkovich fucks around and improvs Bay-esque humour. Meanwhile in Africa, Megatron in a cape and injured after the last film – apparently he tripped and fell while he was running away from a possible fight with Optimus at the climax of Revenge of the Fallen – is chillin’ with ‘de brethren Starscream and a much smaller Soundwave, the massive satellite from the last film > a Porsche (won’t bitch about his lack of voice or wrong face). Back from Russia, Lazerbeak informs him that the power generator is in autobot hands; all according to plan. I’ll admit I was intrigued by this.
Back at blrrreeergh HQ Optimus has a go at Lady Gov liaison for keeping proof of their existence since the 60s covered up. She admits she’s a total cunt but that was need to know; “sorry but we didn’t think it was relevant to tell you we found autobots on the moon 50 years ago. Is that something you as leader of the autobots should know?” So away he and Ratchet go to the moon, where they recover off-line Sentinel Prime and 5 ‘pillars’. Ok, now here’s plot convolution 2; didn’t the second film say there were 11 Primes, 9 of whom died to hide the Key from the Fallen (10), making Optimus (11) was the last one? So is Sentinel Prime really a Prime or is it a name you send off for with enough cereal tokens?
Despite her damn good argument, Optimus ignores government lady and restores Sentinel with his Matrix (the Key to the Sun destroyer machine, obtained from during the second film when he died and was brought back to life – keep up!). Both Primes agree they can now save Cybertron and Earth, and take back the 100s of Sentinels ‘pillars’ stolen from the Ark by the decepticons. Elsewhere Sam learns via an appallingly bad ‘funny’ character played by Hangovers’ Mr Chow that people tied to the REAL moon landing are being killed – and he was one of them despite being no more than 40 (think about the math there). Anyway Lazerbeak kills him for betraying decepticon protocols and throws him out the window to make it look like suicide (all the 17 truth knower’s from the 60s’ die of ‘suicide’ to keep the Decepticon involvement hush-hush) then throws the stealthy plan out the door by blowing up half the building to kill Sam – making the appearance of Chows’ suicide redundant.
With the intel he’s thus far gathered Sam works out the Decepticons are after Sentinel as he is the only one capable of operating the ‘pillars’ he built, and use the weapon he created to obtain Victory. Convolution 3: Optimus ended up with the (apparently resurrection-granting) Matrix by fluke during the second film – it was planned to be used by the Fallen to destroy the sun (a plan Megatron supported 110%), so Megatron had no idea things would work out this way, yet apparently this was his plan ALL along since the war on Cybertron.
The decepticons attack and Sentinel reveals that he has been working with the Decepticons since he created the ‘pillars’ – revealing himself and needlessly killing Ironhide only after his entourage of decepticon backup is dispatched (the fuck!?). Heartbroken, Optimus vows to end the traitorous plot, completely forgetting the Ironhide is dead, just like he did Jazz in Transformers.
- Part 2: Justifiable Genocide
At the Lincoln Memorial Megatron has a cool as fuck shot of him sitting in the Lincoln statue chair, then tells the amazed (or befuddled) Starscream that this was the plan alllllllllllllllll along. He’s using Sentinel’s tech to bring Cybertron to Earth for reasons he doesn’t explain, seeing as they needed to blow up the sun with the Matrix to produce energon enough for the decepticon babies to be born in the 2nd film, yet needs humans to build their new empire. Fuck knows why, or why tireless robots want humans to build at a far slower production rate. Convolution 4; he left Cybertron after conquering it in the prologue of the 1st film, landing on Earth by fluke while chasing after the Allspark – the thing that film was based around – to become all powerful, and arriving 1000s of years before mankind was on the scene, so how does this tie in with a ploy to save Cybertron or using indigenous slaves? (you see why this overview is hard to convey in writing, but this is the story Bay actually wrote!)
Convolution 5; if this WAS the plan all along, then why the fuck was he helping the Fallen find the Matrix to blow up the sun in an act that’d destroy Earth, AS WELL AS THE MOON where Sentinel was hidden? It’d obliterate the apparent only way to save the planet he had already conquered, but now wants to “liberate”. That’d just be stooopid.
Sentinel uses the 5 pillars in his possession to open a bridge between here and the moon, allowing a decepticon fleet hidden there to arrive on earth and start fucking its’ shit up. *Sigh* okay, we know the Decepticons and Autobots are capable of space flight, so why can they only get to Earth via this gate? The Decepticons pretty much landed in both other films unheeded. Also, why is there a hidden fleet on the moon that’s been waiting there since Megatron and Sentinel dreamed up this ingenious idea centuries ago? How does that help the plan of major coincidental occurrences spanning millennia?
Anyway the Deception fleet arrives and make Earth its’ bitch. They promise they’ll be nice if the Autobots just fuck off – demanding they be banished from Earth, because a Decepticon war fleet with a strategic battle plan centuries old and in the making are worried about 9 Autobot ‘rebels’ – the first path to failure is admitting defeat is possible, gentlebots. The Autobots are banished, leaving in a mu-hassive spaceship that gets blown up with ONE. SINGLE. MISSILE from the Decepticons. No wonder the Ark crashed – Autobot ships are apparently made of toilet paper tubes and pritstick. Oh dearz, the deceitful decepticons used deceptions – who’da thunked it? Unopposed they begin to destroy Chicago (because they realized New York has been done to death) to use it as the base for operation; Use the pillars to bring “Cybertron to Earth” – quite how this will help is glossed over.
Notice so far I haven’t mentioned Sam, Supermodel, soldier man from the last 2 films, the annoying Sector 7 agent, his gay agent played by Firefly’s Wash, the government mamm or any other human? It’s because they are all irrelevant to this plot despite being involved throughout. Sure; Bay tries to establish their roles as integral, but really they don’t do anything but drag out the plot for an hour – there’s even a subplot about Sam’s girlfriend being hit on by her boss, a slimy Decepticon liaison, which is utterly meaningless except to give Sam a reason to fight in the war: She’s kidnapped and held hostage in Chicago to make him compliant – this is all Soundwave has done at this point; held a woman hostage, despite being the second in comman…no, promised I wouldn’t go there.
Clearly having seen both Skyline and Battle: Los Angeles, Bay recreates these films to the letter, with unstoppable alien dreadnaughts hovering over a crumbling city while smaller ships kill humans. Sam goes after his girlfriend and takes the soldiers from the other films with him. Facing death from a decepticon battle cruiser, Sam and co are saved by…………………………………………………………..
Optimus Prime. See the Autobots KNEW the decepticons would be deceitfully deceptive and lie about not being total cunts, so they hid in a rocket booster which fell to earth before the main ship was destroyed by ONE. SINGLE. MISSILE. So to PROVE A POINT the Autobots sat back and allowed hundreds of thousands of humans (whom they swore to protect) to get annihilated – just to prove a freaking point about dishonesty!
The Autobots fight the Decepticons. The end.
What, you think I’m taking the piss? No this is literally what happens; only it takes a whole hour to happen. If you want I can do a rundown of this, but it’ll be a waste of all our time. Okay, if you insist…
- Part 3: This Shit Just Got Realz
WAR!!!!! fight. fight. lesser brawl. explosion. explosion. BAY-splosion. fight with explosions. building collapses. fight. Space ship crashes. Ubber brawl. lesser brawl. Repeat until audience is so bored by unending action that they look forward to the expositionary scenes and The Beef’s terrible love talk.
More specifically, the Autobots need to remain hidden while the humans track down ground zero where Sentinel is going to use the main control pillars to bring Cybertron through to Earth – looking up would pretty much do it. But first Sam must save his girlfriend because they are that much in love that the audience didn’t need to be shown a strong character chemistry or proof of any emotional bond. So putting the fate of the world on hold he takes the soldiers to rescue a terrible actress whose British accent is apparently real, much to my chagrin. Obvious major Contradiction 6; the Autobots need to stay hidden until they can get a clear shot at Sentinel, yet refuse to scan nearby vehicles and blend into the surroundings – instead choosing to look like a red truck that is VERY clearly, to even the most retarded Decepticon running on Windows ’95, Optimus Prime, in the company of the bright yellow Bumble Bee, electric green Ratchet, 3 luminous sport cars and 3 colourful cars decked out with an arsenal on machine guns and appallingly terrible Scottish accents. Lazerbeaks’ blowing up of a building during a stealth mission seems pretty subtle in comparison.
So Sam and Co. (series pending) to the tallest tower to rescue the girl (even during the film I didn’t catch her name as Bay was more interest in her ass shots than character establishment) but the tower is attacked and half torn down in the process. Then Shockwave (du du duuuuuuuu!) appears riding his God worm, and when a chair falls on him from the building titled at a 45 degree angle he deduces there MUST be people inside, commanding Operation Overkill by having his God worm destroy the building room by room to kill anyone inside – you know, rather than bringing it down in one inescapable assault. Optimus flies in (yes, flies) as the God worm is veeery slowly preparing to kill Sam, shooting it twice and killing it stone dead. Now to give you an idea of the size of this thing, imagine you are the size of an ant, and the worm is Jupiter. Two shots. The tank in Transformers 1 took 15 min of punishment from 2 Autobots and an army squadron before finally going down.
Gloating that he has screen time – or maybe it’s that his plan is in motion -, Megatron is owned by Sentinel, who kicks his head in (pussy) and sets him in his place; this is for Cybertron, not for Megatron.
Optimus gets all discombobulated and gets tangled in wires for 15 minutes – HILARIOUS; he even has to waste the time and efforts of THREE Autobots to get him down. Meanwhile lots of people shout “Shockwave!” as he owns them all – to be fair they put up no fight at all – “oh no, he has only one giant eye, the weakest spot on all transformers, but this is too easy a target so it must be a decoy. Shit he MUST be immortal so run away!!!!!” While Optimus is dangling, Bumble Bee and an appalling robot with Einstein’s’ face and hair (the fuck!?) as captured and set for execution – Soundwave kills Al-bot Einstein (see what I did there) and with uncharacteristic glee prepares to kill Bumble Bee, but is stopped somehow and killed. Elsewhere Starscream is killed by Sam….yes, Sam kills Starscream. Meanwhile Cybertron is being pulled through a space gate above Earth – half in/half out. How this doesn’t destroy gravity as we know it is left to the physicists in the audience, what’s that – there aren’t any? Then who’s making up the audience? Oh, I see………… *sad face*
But wait, for now is my bestest bit. See Megatron has gone to sulk since he got raped by Sentinel. Sulk in a gutter actually. He’s sitting in a dumpster with his cape wrapped round him like a hobo, as cybertronian bugs crawl over him. While deep in his paddy, Girlfriend tracks him down, having seen his ass-whooping (he literally got pushed over) she uses reverse psychology to talk him into killing Sentinel.
FINALLY freed from the wires – his most persistent enemy to date, Optimus fights Sentinel after blowing up Shockwave, who is also more challenging an opponent that the God worm Jupiter 2. He also avoids getting his foot stuck in a bucket or tripping over his goddamn shoe laces too, which is surprising given the problematic wire incident of July 2011. However Sentinel can do more than just push people over, and he beats the royal crap out of Optimus, even cutting his arm off – losing a limb has proven fatal in the past, but clearly Optimus is stronger than Jazz or those other pussies. THEN Megatron shoots Sentinel in the back and rabbits on about working to build a better future with the Autobots; he’ll end the war and chaos on both worlds if he can be king. “Go fuck yourself, I’m the hero of this franchise” bellows Optimus who then does a finishing move from Mortal Kombat and rips out Megs’ head and spine in slow motion – “Nooooooo, I was barely in this film….” he gasps his last words. The Optimus shoots Sentinel in the face a few times as the wounded traitor justifies that for the sake of one city they could have saved their home world – “Me the hero!!!! Optimus SMASH!!!” comes the stoic reply from my childhood icon of all that is good in the world.
Sam is forced into marrying Girlfriend by Bumble Bee, Cybertron blows up (the fuck!?) as Optimus destroys the space bridge because…….and everyone lives happily ever after. Except the Cybertronians. But seriously, those unsuspecting Cybertronians can go fuck themselves – IN HELL!